Hand hold please, my marriage is over

[TotallyLosttonight]

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

@TotallyLosttonight as a child of a family where something similar (not the same) happened and mum chose not to press charges because of the shame and because she thought it would upset us, the children. I can tell you we, as children, never got over that feeling that justice was not served and it has affected our family ever since.

It’s totally up to you what you want to do but I just thought I’d share from my POV.

It’s also important to remember that you’re not the one causing the trauma, it’s your husband who has done it, he carried the guilt, not you.

OP, I know you say he's not a paedophile but he IS a sex offender, with no respect for sexual boundaries or consent. He has violated you.

If he had raped an adult woman, would you want him to have access to your children? I would not allow my dc to associate with anyone who has sexually violated or abused another person.

I know you don't want to go to the police, but they will be able to investigate thoroughly. - there may be other stuff that he hasn't shown you. You need to be aware.

Please think about confiding in a good friend. I'm so sorry you're going through this

No, this is totally normal. You've spend so long loving this man and then you find this out, it's difficult to separate the loving husband with the vile pervert. Take things at your own pace, you just get through today, try not to keep thinking of the future. One day at a time, you can do this x

OP this is awful
I understand your shock and distress but there are some things you need to do ASAP and I'll explain why

1. Go to the police. This is really important. Apart from the criminal offence bit his lawyer will use any time delay to argue that it wasn't really that upsetting to you. He may well say now that he won't fight you for anything but you can be damn sure that as soon as a solicitor gets involved there be a fight.
2. Do not go on holiday with him. The solicitors would use exactly the same argument - that it obviously didn't upset you because you still went away together.
3. You need to get the custody proceedings started. They take a while. I'm also agree with the poster who said that you have no idea what he's capable of. He's not the man you thought and I would be worried that it could be more than adult pornography. It would be phenomenally well hidden if it was. Don't let him have that laptop back . Big hugs to you

I also second getting specialist legal advice today or as soon as possible as well. You need to know where you stand, even if you do nothing with the information.

At some point the anger is really going to kick in, he has blown up your marriage. Your only responsibility now is to yourself and children.

Yes his lawyers may argue you were complicit with the images and footage being placed publicly on the internet. Any delay will be unfavourable.

You need some sound legal advice, no holidays and ask him to stay in a hotel.

Sex addict my arse.
It's disgusting he's trying to play victim.

This.

And it's nots hd he was willing to physically tisske with you (that's a nice word) .... It's sounds like it was verging on assault - in order to hide it.

So ... criminal offence, total and utter disregard for you and your relationship, total and utter betrayal of your trust & intimacy, lying before about his activities and pretty much an assault on you when you caught him.

And it sounds like he was willing to physically tussle with you (that's a nice word)....

For the holiday OP, do you have any relatives, maybe older teenage, who would fancy a free holiday in DH’s place in return for helping you out with the kids? That way the children still get their holiday and you get some breathing space without him around to decompress and plan

@TotallyLosttonight I'm a pragmatist ! Get evidence and if he's deleted then the best way is a conversation and'record' . I totally understand your look after number one (you and your children) and at the moment you have the upper hand as he will be desparate for this not to get out. I also understand your 'worried for him' viewpoint, some women can just switch off and loathe instantly- but some can't , even though they loathe the behaviour. I have no idea why he did this- showing off , access to others stuff ? (There are sites where you can't access unless you yourself load stuff up too) - regardless of the fact you are ending it- quite rightly- he needs some psychiatric help .

Regardless of his own sexual inclinations, and even if he's not, as you say, a paedophile: this 'community' he has made himself a part of is by definition made up of people who constantly push and erode boundaries. Presumably that includes pushing each other to go further and further with what they dare to share. After all, it's all about transgression and the exploitation of power over others.

So, if he's been egged on to share images of you and somehow he got off on that and justified it to himself, I wouldn't want to rule out the possibility of him being egged on to share images of your children too and starting to edge towards mentally justifying it in some twisted way. Whether or not he has actually done it.

There could well be people using the group who would encourage that, and even if he didn't go into it with any such intentions, well. You just don't know what he's capable of, OP, clearly.

You have no idea the extent of his addiction

He doesn't have an addiction FFS. He's just working his way through "caught out sex offender" bingo (which heavily overlaps with "caught out cheater" bingo).

Depression and potential suicide and shit childhood and sexual deprivation by op will be next.

And by sex offender, I'm not participating in the speculation about other offences, in referring to the offence against op .. of sharing her intimate photos without her knowledge or consent repeatedly.

Re: evidence. This is why you need the laptop. As long as all he's done is delete files they're still on the computer. And if he's doing all this on the Cloud then there will probably be backups for a short while. This is another reason you need professional help on this. The police are quite capable of forensic investigation in this area.

I'm so sorry to read this
I'd be reporting this to the police it's a total violation of your privacy

I'm not normally one for 'speculation' either but in this case it already sounds as if the OP is minimising a bit as a coping mechanism -- as in, she's wondering about still going on holiday, and considering whether she can hold off on taking certain steps in order to somehow manage or lessen the impact on her children.

Because of that, I think it's actually pretty important to consider the worst case scenario even though it's only speculation.

Police as soon as you can.

You need to rule out that he hasn't taken dodgy photos of your kids too. They have the tech to analyse devices etc. Unlikely but not impossible.

Take emergency leave from work. Avoid telling him that.

Right now he’s promising to give me whatever I need, he’ll pay for the house etc. He won’t fight me for the kids.

Do his reactions to being caught so far are blaming "addiction" and playing victim, and bribery.

Won't fight you for the kids .... That's like a type of coercion, like an underlying threat that he'll make things as difficult and stressful etc as he can around residency and access if you don't lie down.

Fuck that. Who does he think he is ..... Even if he wasn't guilty of a sex offencw- which he is - he wouldn't get more than 50-50 by "fighting you for the kids". Given what you box expose about him, and have him prosecuted for (and we don't even know what he's deleted yet, but could do if his devices end up going into computer forensics) ..... He's in zero fkg position to fight you for residence or access to kids. So he's being very "generous" by trying to bribe/coerce you with what he wouldn't get anyway.

*Given what you could expose about him

Likewise, trying to bribe you with the house .... You would be awarded your fair share of joint marital assets (and probably get more because you're very likely to be resident parent) and (thankfully) have a decent job and income ..... So again, very generous of him to try to bribe you with something you'd probably get anyway. Even if it's not that house, you could settle in a nice house you'd make your home. You may not even want to stay there with the memories & associations of this.

He's a piece of fucking work.

Yes, unfortunately there is urgency in reporting this both in terms of evidence and I tend of what victim blaming/twisting arguments legal eagles representing him may make.

I'm not ready to report anything. Maybe in time, but not now.

Op this so serious.

You need legal advice on how that might affect you going forward, especially if and when the gloves come off in a divorce.

There is "rights of women" and women's aid sometimes have legal advisors.

I really think you'll regret this down the line. You'll have wished you acted sooner.

Especially if they find inappropriate pics of your or other kids have been shared too.

I'm sorry, it's an awful situation but...

I have the most awful feeling you are going to let this go because the alternative just feels too difficult. Too hard.

You are now living with a sex offender that is a fact, who thought nothing of violating you to give pleasure and thrills to other men in his community. They matter more to him than you do. God only knows what else he has been doing. As a minimum you need a therapist and a STD testing at the GP.