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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/02/2023 09:11

Text him and ask him to stay elsewhere until you decide what to do OP. He can't be there. You need space.

I think the best thing to do is think practically about how you can move forward. Think of everything as worst case scenario and then decide what you want to do next.

There's no rush and no pressure.
Do you have a friend or relative who could take his place on the holiday?

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 09:18

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 09:11

Text him and ask him to stay elsewhere until you decide what to do OP. He can't be there. You need space.

I think the best thing to do is think practically about how you can move forward. Think of everything as worst case scenario and then decide what you want to do next.

There's no rush and no pressure.
Do you have a friend or relative who could take his place on the holiday?

No, family are all far away and our friends all have kids (it's half term) so no one I would ask to come away with me

OP posts:
tara66 · 07/02/2023 09:18

I don't see the point of being a sex addict - it does not make you richer, more intelligent or successful. Perhaps he can get counselling at tax payer's expense?

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 09:19

It is a criminal offence by the way.

You no longer know the man you are living with - he is not the man you thought he was. Sweep the house for cameras right now.

Even your children are not safe. You have no idea the extent of his addiction or the levels he will sink to.
You can no longer accept him living with you or the dc and I would put your safety and that of your dc before all else.
In your position I would report to the police today, because when the shock wears off you will need to put supervised contact front and centre of future arrangements and there is no way I could ever trust a man like this to be alone with my children. Their safety is more important than CM.

It is an unforgivable breach of your trust and privacy. I am so sorry op.

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 09:23

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 09:19

It is a criminal offence by the way.

You no longer know the man you are living with - he is not the man you thought he was. Sweep the house for cameras right now.

Even your children are not safe. You have no idea the extent of his addiction or the levels he will sink to.
You can no longer accept him living with you or the dc and I would put your safety and that of your dc before all else.
In your position I would report to the police today, because when the shock wears off you will need to put supervised contact front and centre of future arrangements and there is no way I could ever trust a man like this to be alone with my children. Their safety is more important than CM.

It is an unforgivable breach of your trust and privacy. I am so sorry op.

I'm not defending him but he's not a paedophile. This is about adult sex.

OP posts:
Takeitonthechin · 07/02/2023 09:25

Who in their right mind would do this o their wife/ husband/ partner!
He has no respect for you or your relationship.
The first thing I would do is report it to the police... don't think about it, just do it.
The next would be to get a solicitor and also ask him to leave.

Bryzoan · 07/02/2023 09:34

This is horrendous. I can totally understand your shock and confusion, but I think you need to draw a line. This is a massive abuse of trust. Your husband may love you on one level, but clearly does not have sufficient regard for you or have your back in any way. What he has done is so damaging and absolutely deliberate.

I think anything other than asking him to leave, finding another friend or family member to support you on the holiday (or seeing if it can be postponed until that is possible) and going to the police would be minimising this huge abuse of trust.

It is going to be a really difficult time for you and the kids. But allowing a continuation of the relationship in any way has the potential to be much more damaging to you on many levels. You can do this. Good luck.

sweetgingercat · 07/02/2023 09:44

I am so sorry OP. This man has been awful. Not only has he violated you in the most appalling, public way, but solely for his own benefit he has also deleted his activity, making it much more difficult for you to track down pictures of you and get them removed.

I am not surprised that you are still thinking about him, and how to keep the family together until your holiday, as a wife and mother that is the way you have been thinking and behaving for years and it’s very hard to undo immediately.

However, I think in your case I would be prioritising the removal of the pictures without delay as the longer they are up, the harder it will be to do this. First off tell your husband you want him to hand over his laptop and detail everything he has done or you will go to the police? Take his laptop immediately to a specialist who will help you find, document and take down what they can and keep all the evidence and the money you have spent for any future divorce / settlement. Your husband should pay.

Second, you should tell your husband he must leave the house to give you space to think this through. This is really vital. It will help you to separate mentally, your interests and his own interests (which he is quite capable of looking out for, and clearly doesn’t need your help). You need to focus on your interests and your children’s interests. These come first OP, and your children’s interests are not served by staying with a man who posts identifiable images of their mother on sex websites.

Third, can you take someone else on your skiing holiday instead? … your mother, a friend, even a nanny with skiing/holiday experience who you can hire temporarily? I know it’s nice to imagine that you can all go together happily, but this man is not your husband any more, he is your abuser and for your own mental health and self respect, you need to get away from him.

He has done things that are illegal, unacceptable and abhorrent in the eyes of everyone. This gives you a strong hand going forward in any separation / negotiation, so don’t weaken and give that hand away. Use it to get yourself a clean break, to get your boys away from him and his vile influence and to demonstrate to your boys that you are strong and will not put up with such abuse.

If, at any point he refuses to do what is best for you and the children, tell him you will go to the police and his family and social circle with your file of evidence and that this will ruin his life.

I guess it will be incredibly difficult and mourning the loss of your partner, your relationship and the father of your children will be immensely hard, but you are obviously a strong, caring and thoughtful woman and you deserve to give yourself much better.

Vaselining · 07/02/2023 09:44

This is a truly shitty thing to do and I do think I could ever come back from something like that. And this is coming from someone who doesn't automatically think you have to leave a relationship due to an affair. Personally I would go to the police. This isn't even a momentary lapse of judgement, or snapping and smashing a glass in a moment of anger. This is malicious. I'm really sorry for you.

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 10:15

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 09:23

I'm not defending him but he's not a paedophile. This is about adult sex.

I am sorry op but you have no idea at all who he isn now. Did you ever imagine he would post photos of you - so the world can see you? No. You can not trust him.
Sex addictions are insidious, and he is certainly not in control of his.

Figgygal · 07/02/2023 10:22

I'd give him the opportunity to get them removed to try and do some damage limitation but if he couldn't oh my god I would report him to the police, kick him out, never trust him again.
I'm furious for you op what a disgusting betrayal.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 10:28

That's worse than an affair. He shouldn't be in any position of trust and I wouldn't trust him with the kids either.

Of course you still have feelings for him because you're not an utter sociopath, but you mustn't let that cloud things. This is literally criminal and he could be capable of anything on there. Police, devices and no unsupervised contact with the kids.

slamfightbrightlight · 07/02/2023 10:32

Has he deleted the pictures from the site and from his laptop?

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 10:33

slamfightbrightlight · 07/02/2023 10:32

Has he deleted the pictures from the site and from his laptop?

It was a site where people made contact and then shared via email. To be honest I don't know exactly.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/02/2023 10:33

OP he's probably not a paedophile but he is now a sex offender. I know you don't want to consider that as an option and don't want to report him for your children's sakes but, when you're ready to, I'd strongly consider the implications of that.

slamfightbrightlight · 07/02/2023 10:39

I also would be reporting to the police. Not necessarily for them to pursue prosecution, but if I was in a senior role and those photos ever came to light, I’d want a clear evidence trail that they were put there without my consent.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 10:46

Ok lovely- what a total sleazy twat , I'm so very sorry, I'm beginning to really despise so many men's behaviour that I find it hard to trust many of them- but you rightly need to think of you first. Here's what I would do. I would have a conversation about it and discreetly hit 'record' on your phone. I probably wouldn't go to the police for same reasons you state and that is primarily looking after yourself. I would make it clear he plays totally fair and gives you everything you need or I would be going to police (as you will have a recording)? I would tell him to get online and get every single image removed today.

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 10:50

Op, I am sorry but in my professional experience with these matters encourages me to warn you that this may very well be the tip of the iceberg. Please be prepared for that.
Has he filmed any intimacy together? Knowingly or unknowingly?

Protecting yourself and your children is vital.
You have been violated. It’s shocking and frightening not knowing how to respond or what to do.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/02/2023 10:51

That's awful. It's one thing to share photos of himself but if you unknowingly and trying to hide it is disturbing. Sex addict or not, that's not normal. He's a sexual predator.

I would make sure he's deleted everything, and has no back ups on usbs, hard drives, phones etc before you do anything else.

SouperNoodle · 07/02/2023 10:53

Omg this is just horrific. I feel sick for you.
This is truly horrific and I totally understand why you don't want to go to the police but if you want to leave it for now and change your mind in future, that's totally fine.

Please get as much support around you as possible. Things are going to be really tough at first but it will slowly get better xx

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 10:56

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 10:46

Ok lovely- what a total sleazy twat , I'm so very sorry, I'm beginning to really despise so many men's behaviour that I find it hard to trust many of them- but you rightly need to think of you first. Here's what I would do. I would have a conversation about it and discreetly hit 'record' on your phone. I probably wouldn't go to the police for same reasons you state and that is primarily looking after yourself. I would make it clear he plays totally fair and gives you everything you need or I would be going to police (as you will have a recording)? I would tell him to get online and get every single image removed today.

This is a really good idea, thank you. I honestly cannot contemplate police just now. Think of me what you will, yes I may be weak but right now I want to look after me and my boys with the minimum trauma. If I keep the recording I will have evidence of him admitting it if I need it at a later date (if he turns nasty or starts fighting for custody).

OP posts:
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 10:57

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 10:50

Op, I am sorry but in my professional experience with these matters encourages me to warn you that this may very well be the tip of the iceberg. Please be prepared for that.
Has he filmed any intimacy together? Knowingly or unknowingly?

Protecting yourself and your children is vital.
You have been violated. It’s shocking and frightening not knowing how to respond or what to do.

There are videos too, yes

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 07/02/2023 10:58

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 03:01

I saw the site and grabbed his laptop. He actually fought me for it! He kept trying to grab it back and grabbed my arms.

So he also assaulted you. Please report this to the police, all of it.

I’m sorry @TotallyLosttonight, you did not consent to what he has done. He is using the “script” a lot of men use when caught out about their behaviour. Making themselves out to be the victim and hopeless and as if it wasn’t deliberate and premeditated. I know that you will be grieving for the fact that he is not the man you thought he was.

Pansypotter123 · 07/02/2023 11:07

This is horrific and you have my total sympathy. If it was me I'd go and see a solicitor specialising in divorce and seek their advice re your financial position in the event he should lose his job should he be prosecuted if you contact the police and should you now proceed to divorce him.

It may well be that no (revenge porn type) offence has been committed as there is a need to prove intent to cause distress although that is under review.

Going forward should you divorce you need to look after your financial interests and those of your children. Do you need financial support from him or can you afford to go it alone if he loses his job as a result of this?

Good luck! 💐

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 11:07

It sounds like you need more time to come to a decision.
He needs to move out and give you some space. He can tell the boys he has a business trip for now. You are not weak for needing the headspace to work out what to do. It’s right that you take your time and allow the shock to wear off before doing anything. Coming to terms with such a breach is huge.

If you can’t tell anyone in RL at the moment, can you organise to urgently see a reputable counsellor instead? So you have a confidential safe space to talk this out and the support and help you might need.

Please protect your passwords, bank accounts and personal information now anyway and copies of mortgages, etc. You don’t need to do anything right now, but it’s important to start protecting yourself and your position.

You are married to one hell of a nasty piece of work op, don’t underestimate him.