Hi OP @feddupppp I have just signed up to Mumsnet in order to reply to your post (which I saw on FB). I have 2 girls, now 18 and 14. I had an incredibly tough time when they were little (later diagnosed as PND and PTSD from first delivery, plus non sleeping eldest, etc etc). A lot of issues, but looking back I can see that a lot of the reason it became SO severe for my MH was my (now ex) husband's behaviour/attitude. It tipped everything from awful to totally unbearable.
It is a really, really tough stage, sure. But regardless of what stage you're at in life, if something is causing you this much misery it needs to change. Tough stages will come at any time of life and every one of them will do far more damage than it could have done if you don't have any support from your husband.
Sorry this is long, but I just wanted to say:
Never mind anyone else. You're feeling like shit atm. That matters and needs addressing. Yes, the childcare thing gets easier eventually, but the dickhead management doesn't, it gets worse when they are enabled to continue undermining us.
Your H is being at best naive and self-centred, and at worst emotionally abusive. He has zero idea what you're dealing with, and SO many things you've mentioned resonated with me. Brought back awful memories of how shit my ex made me feel for not being able to do everything, all the time, while he essentially lived the life he wanted to. As others have said, if he genuinely can't be around more than one day a week, he needs to rethink his priorities and/or pay for proper help AND be a genuine emotional support to you - whatever shape that takes for you, at the coalface of it all. Something tells me he won't be receptive to that, but hopefully I'm wrong.
If he was divorced he would have to step up and do up to 50% of what you're doing. Wouldn't hurt to point that out.
Please see your doctor for a start as depression can 100% be caused by unsupportive and detrimental home life. Get some counselling from someone used to spotting emotional abuse because I suspect you might recognise a lot of issues once you get validation that no, you're by NO means being crap/spoilt/whatever. Even if it's not that, you'll build your confidence up. Your confidence in your own abilities has been screwed up, both by this life stage AND by your H. Build that up and you might well feel better about whatever steps you feel need taking.
Go away for the entirety of the next 2 times he's back. Tell him where you are if you want, but wherever you go, do not be contactable for idiotic questions, and do not apologise for stating what you need. And don't make it easier by prepping it all for him! IF he has an ounce of sense/empathy, this will hopefully be enough to wake him up. If not, it'll give you a bit of clarity. If you're too worried about his reaction to do this, that's a red flag in itself.
I'm embarrassed to say it took me about 10 years of misery with my ex (out of a total of 25 years - plenty of signs but it got a lot worse for the last decade) to actually get the strength to leave. I read loads of books about emotional abuse, started counselling, recognised what was going on, and very gradually got some of my strength back. As the girls got older they became less draining to cope with, and both supported my decision 100% and said how relieved they were when I finally left (2.5 years ago). I stayed for years thinking I was doing the right thing for them. I tried so hard not to badmouth their father, but they took it all in anyway and worked it out on their own.
I will always regret giving them a masterclass in how to cope with an emotionally abusive prick and give away all self esteem in the process.
I pray that I got out in time for them not to replicate that in their relationships, but it worries me. At the very least, you don't want to be modelling "when you're a mum/main carer you don't matter" to them, as it all goes in from a really young age.
I'll shut up now, but I hope it helps knowing that you are NOT being pathetic, needy or weak. Let us know how you're doing. X