Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

He NEEDS to walk a mile in your shoes and you NEED a break OP. So he can suck it up for one day. He can do the both kids thing, resentful or not. Tell him it's to save your marriage and you're going to have the day to yourself and he's in charge.

I promise you aren’t alone with this. Having a baby and a toddler was like utter torture for me, I found it so hard.

Only recently have I actually been able to take my two out by myself and they’re 2.5 and just turned 4! I found myself at breaking point a number of times and that was with a very supportive husband so I can barely imagine how you are feeling, it’s definitely not easy.

Hopefully getting back to work will help you by getting a break from the monotony of caring for young kids.

Dear OP, I hope you can find the headspace to take on board some of the great suggestions on here this morning. I’m so sorry you are struggling, looking after two little ones is very very hard work. I’ve got just a couple of thoughts …
If painting is too messy, don’t paint at home
If children get in cupboards put child cupboard locks on, maybe put plastic toys cups etc in one they can open
where are the stories songs rhymes dances in your house?
as another poster just said, try the teddy bears picnic. Your 3 yr old might enjoy imaginary play and you might be able to keep her going with a few interested responses while you sit and play with the baby
change of scene - yes it’s hard getting out but what about a walk round the block/ to the park with double buggy
its important to bond with your children and to look for small things to enjoy.
a small word in support of your DH. He needs to step up if possible ( sorry, I’m not sure if he’s actually away from home six days??) and if he’s at home do things to help. However I can understand he’s having trouble responding to you when you say things like ‘looking after the baby is torture’. He’s probably worried sick about what’s going to happen if this carries on
also his desire to do things together in some of his time off would maybe help you bond as a family.
certainly take plenty of support from your DM if you can get it, you don’t need to tell other people anyway
hope you will soon feel a bit better and more able to take a positive approach to this phase

I can relate to the exhaustion and judgement. My husband has never judged anything and is all about "optimising" and making things easier for me with two small children, which in our case was paid support due to DH's job and the fact he has epilepsy, so can't be sleep deprived.

My MIL has been extremely judgemental about my toddler going to nursery twice a week and having a cleaner, but I'm learning to ignore other people's unhelpful comments

Other people aren't you and I have found it's easy to be a perfect parent when you're not doing it.

My newborn is EBF and a terrible sleeper, so I barely sleep. I'm not prepared to go under physically and mentally in order to prove that I'm a worthy mother to others. If you fall apart the family falls apart as you are the lynch pin. Tell your husband you need more support.

I only have 1 and I found 0-1 much harder than I thought I would. The days were just so long and thankless. I sobbed often and wondered wtf I’d done. A girl I knew from school had a baby around the same time as me and would constantly post about how magical her maternity leave was and it made me feel like an utterly shite mum for not feeling like she did.

I do feel a lot better now I’m back at work though. Having some adult conversations, coffee with a colleague and just 30 minutes by myself to eat my lunch makes the world of difference.

I also confided in my dr and was prescribed sertraline and propanalol which I know isn’t for everyone but being on them has made me see really clearly how desperately unhappy and anxious I was and I feel worlds away from this now.

But also, to echo other posters, your DH needs to pull his weight. It isn’t fair how it currently is. Could you show him this post?

I admit on winter days we watched s lot of Disney films which my little Dds enjoyed and nature programmes ( animal park anyone?) which my toddler son enjoyed- short cuts don’t harm. Anything to help create a relaxed and upbeat atmosphere at home.

It wasn't easy, it was relentless. I was shattered all the time and I remember crying thinking I couldn't do it- everyone else isn't fine!

I'm a single parent and for me, nursery then school and me being at work massively helped/helps!

You need to talk to your H. Maybe he doesn't understand quite how you feel. Everyone needs some time out.

Why is your husband only there one day a week? Sounds a bit shit and sounds like his work isn’t what’s best for your families needs.

I agree that not everyone is actually fine. I have 2 under 2. A 21 month old and a 10 month old who has a genetic disorder. I go to the gym and I’ve just started a part time job. On the outside I may appear fine but I really am not. It’s all so difficult. I do think you need people around you to complain/moan too. Not sure why your DH can’t be the peeson to have a bit of empathy especially seeing as he’s only there once a week

Sometimes I think I won't make it through the day it's that hard but somehow I do.
I put on a brave face, maybe many others do that and I don't think it's talked about through fear of judgement. Some days I cry it's that hard (in private). I have unhelpful parents so maybe that's an extreme case. That feeling of being on a desert island on your own with kids who need every ounce of you. You're not alone. I just try to breathe and say to myself you will get through today, one foot in front of the other x💐

Not everyone is fine. I have a similar age gap between my two and when my youngest was a baby, no joking I genuinely nearly lost my mind. I remember taking them to mcdonalds just to shove some easy food into the oldest, then we couldn't get a seat and she was going ballistic because they didn't have any fish fingers, and I had the baby in one arm.and the tray on the other, and inevitably I spilled my coke all over the floor and I just stood in the middle of mcdonalds and cried. A very kind lady gave me her table, sorted getting the mess cleaned and bought me a new coke, not a world of judgement, just support. Fuck the judgy twats, seriously, fuck them all. You find it hard because it is hard and you don't need to justify it.

Fwiw my kids are now 8 and 6 and it is SO much easier. House is fairly tidy, illnesses much less frequent, and they are generally reasonable human beings.

Take yourself off to the gym on a weekend and leave child with his dad
let then have some quality time together

I'm in the same boat OP. Partner works 6 days a week also. I'm exhausted. 4 year old and 1 year old here.

I find it incredibly hard. I have 3 young DC (6, 2 & 1 yo). It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I don’t have family help and DH works long shifts.

If you want to reach out please message me, I’m happy for you to have a good moan and I’ll no doubt join in!

OP sounds really tough. I wonder if you and DH are a little fixated on what others do/need? It really doesn’t matter if everyone else has 5 under fives, no help and a pristine house. The point is that you are struggling right now and can’t continue. 3 and 1 are the worst ages for kids (google it; I sure did when two of mine were at this stage!) and you are just approaching that - no one finds it a pic nic. If DH is absent all week you not only lack his support, you lack that adult company factor too so no wonder you are finding this difficult; add in sickness as well and it sounds like a nightmare.

For what it’s worth, I echo other poster comments about rose tinted glasses; my second didn’t sleep for more than 45 mins at a time until he was 4 months; he would lie in my arms with me sitting upright for most of the night, and woke during the night until he was around 9-11months (reflux). I remember this as a fact, but don’t really remember the bits around it; how difficult it must have been etc etc. I also remember being covered in bruises due to being so run down; again I remember going back to the work and telling my boss not to worry, but don’t really remember seeing the bruises. Bit like labour. You mostly remember the cute stuff! I got through by taking the kids out every day - clubs for the older one or playgroup/play cafe. I know you don’t like taking them both out; try it in small steps; walk to the park and build up from there. Their behaviour will improve as they get used to it. By taking them out it meant the house didn’t get messy for the morning or afternoon, the day was punctuated, and I got a bit of a break, even if just mentally. They were also happier, and it gave me enough strength to do other bits with them when we got home. If you have the finances to have lunch out as well, that’s a huge win.

As you have mentioned that you can afford it, I would buy in as much help as you possibly can. It’s irrelevant when your DH says ‘we need to get on with it’ - he’s not there. You have the finances, you are doing the drudge, it has to be your decision. Why not ask your cleaner to come twice a week so they can tackle some laundry as well whilst they’re there? Three times would be perfect (I don’t have a cleaner due to funds but there is no point cleaning if you can afford not to). Ask the nursery if anyone is interested in babysitting on the weekend day that DH isn’t at home and use that time as yours to nap/gym/shop/see friends, so then you can all enjoy the family time that he is craving on his one day at home.

This time is really short, but it’s also your time; you do deserve to be able to enjoy it. Paid help will help you enjoy it so why not buy in whatever you can? Once you are a little more rested, things will improve so dramatically, and you might be able to dial back your support a little but ultimately it is what you need right now. You also have a DH problem, but - one problem at a time 🤗

Its shit until they start school. My last one started in September and now I'm finding it all relatively easy. Routine is absolutely key though. For your own sanity more then anything else! Use a slow cooker for meals, get shopping delivered. Get out the house as much as possible and find your tribe. Plenty of Mums out there who are willing to admit life is an absolute shit show. I don't entertain 'perfect' mothers who just want to judge. Its all smoke and mirrors anyway, I have mum friends I can call and say I want to sell my kid on ebay and they reply 'omg me too!'

I completely understand how you are feeling! I love my daughter more than anything but my god I sometime hate being a mum. It’s boring, monotonous, constant tantrums, constant noise, constant sensory overload, too much house work, not enough time, not enough support, no time for me.

sometimes I honestly feel that I don’t want to live anymore. I have spoken to my GP and my work but neither are taking me seriously. Everywhere you turn there is just no support and understanding x

You have a husband issue. Why has he never looked after the kids himself? You need to share responsibility - was this discussed or have you just assumed this role?

It doesn’t need to be this hard, although I’m not surprised how bad it is. He needs to help you with sleep training, and working out why the children are permanently ill.

@Idontknownemore

Hats off to you- THREE young kids and little family support!

Hi OP

I wanted to say that you find it hard because it is bloody hard. I had a non sleeper and I had to put my eldest in nursery full time until the sleep sorted itself out as I couldnt cope. It also felt like by the time I'd got them ready to leave the house it was so late there was no point going.

A baby and a toddler is a killer as (with an older baby especially) they can't be left and they have different interests. Even taking them to the park seems impossible as all the baby can do is go in the baby swings but the toddler will be falling over and climbing dangerously on stuff. Not easy. Its absolutely relentless and a lot of it is just boring by mentally exhausting at the same time.

Can you do any sleep training? You should also get a bit of respite when it comes to spring there is normally a bit less illness.

Honestly though I think one of the reasons you're struggling is the lack of support. Both physical and mental. Putting both to bed on your own I found to be impossible. Id panic when my husband was away a night. You're doing that every night. Yes you get some help from your mum but it's a 24 7 job so even two days a week means you're still working 150 hours in a week!

Your husband though really sounds like he is making everything worse. He is belittling you and indirectly criticising you. If he is not there from a practical perspective then he should be from an emotional one. But he is just shutting you down. Even if he cant do anything practical just saying 'I know its hard for you, I'm sorry I'm away so much, I really appreciate everything you do, and I'll make sure you have a rest when you're home' would make you feel massively better I think. Instead you've got someone who hasnt ever looked after both his kids together for any length of time, implying that its easy and you get loads of help and therefore should be coping. Fuck him OP. Honestly he can get to fuck, if it's that fucking easy then he can actually spend some quality time with his kids when he is off or actually listen and hear what you're saying instead of dismissing your feelings.

I have a supportive husband who used to acknowledge that when our kids were tiny it was easier being at work, was happy to buy in help etc and i still found it impossible. I regretted my eldest until they were about 2 as it was just so hard.

I think you need to sit him down when he is back, in a counselling environment if necessary, and explain to him that he is not actually listening to what you're saying, you are not coping, you need some help, whether he thinks you have it easy or not is irrelevant. I'd be asking him to take a few days annual leave and look after the kids on his own without you there, or using food you've prepared etc etc to really see what it's like. Or consider him taking the last few months of shared paternity. Or take a few months of parental leave. So he can truly appreciate what it's like. The monotony, the never ending demands, the lack of sleep, the overwhelming responsibility. And if he refuses then he has absolutely no right to judge what is 'enough' help or not. And you need some time off, you cant be a parent 24.7 and nothing else, you need some regular time at some points in the week to do something for yourself.

You are not alone! 1 and 4 year old here and finding it so so tough. My eldest continued her nursery through my mat leave (we dropped a day for financial reasons) and it was a bloody god send. Then she started school in Sept which was also great!
What I've discovered since becoming a mum is that everyone has an opinion. If your kids are happy and loved then you're doing great. It feels relentless when they're sp young but it will get easier (I tell myself this on repeat)

He needs to adjust his work or adjust his expectations.

He is just trying to put you back in your box. How has his life changed? 6 days a week (and probably all nights) are the same as pre children for him. He is absolutely not pulling his weight. He is fighting you instead of being in your corner and asking how he can help or looking for ways to make things better which is just unforgivable.

With you, OP.

You poor thing, nobody should underestimate just how hard having small children is, it is isolating and draining. I used to see other women who seemed so together while I was a wreck. Dh and I argued loads. I struggled to get my stuff together but it does get better. Ask someone to help, a friend or relative you feel comfortable with even just for a few hours.

My kids are a bit older now and I would love to help a new tired mum and take the baby out for a few hours, now it's over I miss that stage. Unfortunately I don't know anyone with a baby these days. 🤔

My kids are 7 and 5 now and at school and, even though I now work, it is so so so much better than being a sahm to little ones.

We had zero family help, but DH pulled his weight despite working full time. I wouldn’t have coped without that. The odd week he worked away I felt like I was drowning. Even though I really only had his help for maybe an hour a day when the kids were awake, that hour made all the difference to the relentless grind! Plus of course he was there to watch them if I wanted to go out, and he helped with housework and early mornings and was home all weekend!

Definitely at 9 months and 3 DH would’ve had them both together on his own. he might not have liked it, but he could manage! He also took the older one to the park, supermarket, swimming lesson etc a lot on a weekend so I could stay at home when the baby napped.

You definitely have a DH problem! My parents would also come and visit for a couple of weeks at a time once a year and honestly it was like a spa holiday for me, so if your mum can come and help then ask her to!

Pre schoolers be crazy. I cope ok most of the time but that's because I use avoidance tactics - shopping deliveries so I never have to take them to a shop, tactical outings to let them run wild and free so we can all nap for a couple of hours when everyone is tired out. Going ok tonight you can have buttered pasta for dinner because I can't be arsed arguing. Wine. Pick your battles!