Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

I could have written your post, OP.

I struggle as well.

Everything you wrote really resonated with me: the constant whinging; the do this, carry this, get me that etc - the demands are non stop and it is horrible.

Everytime I leave the room, for even a second, it's "mum! Mum! Muuum! Mum!" and it is so draining.

I don't have the answer. Some mums do seem to cope better - but they might have easier kids, more help, big house/garden for them to play in, maybe they have a cleaner etc. So comparing really doesn't do any good.

I don't really have the answer. I'm still in that situation and finding it hard. But mine are slightly older and the only thing I can say to you sounds like a total cliche but....it really does go so fast. Try and just lean into it. Lower your expectations. Try to enjoy it.

I know you're probably rolling your eyes at that but honestly, my kids are still young, but they are passing milestones and leaving stages behind and it really all does happen in the blink of an eye. I've just lowered my expectations and tried to roll with the punches a bit more.

But I do still lose my shit occasionally. It is so bloody hard.

And the sleep deprivation there's no way around that I'm afraid. That is hell and I very much hope it passes for you soon.

I wasn't fine, I had similar age gaps to you and it was the hardest and lowest point of my life, I still describe it as 'I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy' but it does pass, I know that seems like a stock phrase but it does pass, they get more independent and the struggles change. While parenting now is still hard (eldest is 10) i get more sleep and it's a more manageable hard!
I have no magic answer but your not alone and you can do this

Trust me you are not alone in feeling like this! I think social media makes it appear like we’re all having a lovely time and making parenting look easy but it’s not reality.

I really struggled with the newborn stage, it nearly broke me. DS is now 20 months and it’s easier but I am dreading having a second child because I feel like I’m only just about coping - and that’s from someone who gets help from my mum and DH.

It gets better, I promise. Yes, mine (6 and 10) bicker and grump and tantrum but it’s a walk in the park compared to when they were both preschool. I love late Primary, it’s my favourite stage so far…and I do not, despite being told many times I would, miss the baby stage. I have moments of wishing they were more portable but I wouldn’t swap for the world.

This resonates with me too. It really is so draining and it is good to hear it's not just me.

You have two young children and no respite, add in health issues and it's a perfect storm.

Most of us only had one of the above at a time! Tell dh he is taking his two children out so you can recharge.

Don't tidy just sleep. Until you can get the minimum sleep needed you will end up running on empty.

Hopefully a few weeks of having a day to recharge will help.

It fucking sucks

Just to chime into the chorus that you aren't alone and most people aren't having a whale of a time especially in the trenches with very young children. It can be very hard to admit you're struggling when ostensibly there isn't a 'thing' as such to complain about it's the entire drudgery and groundhog day element of it.

Can't do any of that. The way his work is, it's just not possible.

so you're effectively a single parent. You won't be able to return to work doing all drop offs, covering illness, mental load, household organisation.

Op... It would be easier if you split up because he'd HAVE to parent or pay for care in his 50% time.

What is his job? Police? Military? If it's genuinely one job where you cannot parent at all 6 out of 7 days of the week, you need a deep conversation. His job is dictating the life of 4 people. He doesn't get to make that his only and number 1 priority full stop. Something has to give. You cannot parent alone with the veneer of a partner. He needs to actually be one, day in day out.

Has he any idea of what your life is like?

Can you engineer a day away to "help" a relative but let him be the sole carer for the day? Repeatedly?

And don't you fucking write a list or prep meals. He's their dad. He should know this stuff.

Firstly, I promise we're not all fine.

I too mthe 3 yo twins to the shop, let them pick a magazine, raised I had no bank card, had to remove the magazines, totally failed to get further than the door and basically spent 10 minutes outside with one screaming then the other. In the end I called a taxi. I live half a mile away 🙄🙄. Someone kindly walked past and told me "we've all been there". It's true.

Then walking home the other day with them in the buggy, one screaming over something or other so much a bloke yelled out a car window at me, "it gets better!!" it probably does 😏😂

The point is lots of us find it hard.
You're finding it harder because

1. You're unwell and have no time to recover
2. You have a DH problem. He's swanning in one day a week, is clearly an unsupportive idiot, makes you feel worse, throws the routine off and buggers off again.

In your shoes you need to ask him to book some leave. Tell him you're drowning and you don't care who else did it better with more kids and less help. You, his wife, his children's mother, is drowning and you need HIS help with HIS kids before the next time he comes home you lack a bag for 1 and mice to your mother's for a week.

In the meanwhile, when is he home next? Can you wait for him to come in, spend half an hour with him then tell him you just need to pop out and GO before he can dump a child on you? Just an hour. Do a Tesco shop if it makes you feel better. Get a coffee tho at the end or do a drive through Maccies and LET HIM LOOK AFTER HIS KIDS ALONE.

What would happen?

Oh OP, I was there and it was hell - one or the other always woke up and my useless ex didn't do a thing to help. I remember going to work on 1 hours sleep and having a breakdown in a meeting. You get through it because you have to but I promise it gets better, my two are older now and such delights (they have their moments) and I even get a lie in.

You are at a rough age and doing it alone for a majority of the time. You are enough and your children love you. No one is finding it easy and that I can be certain.

They grow up and suddenly you get a goodnight's sleep. These times will.pass.As your DH is only one day a week let him have quality time with the little ones whilst you have a sleep

Don't want to depress you but even at 12 and 7, it's not fine but you have had longer to adjust and your normal changes. You need more time with 2 to get into the rhythm.

Another person who’s intrigued as to what job means he is completely unavailable to parent day or night for 6/7ths of the week.

Reading your post took me back and I remember how bloody hard it is!! But it does get easier. I promise.
Please cut yourself some slack though and remember that every day you’ve kept your kids fed, watered, clothed and safe is a triumph!!
Do you have a friend or relative that you can arrange to go to for couple of days when DH will have to take care of the kids? Because that will not only give you a little break but also help him understand what you are dealing with!!
As others have said, not everyone is coping fine. They might want you to think that but they’re probably not!!
Good luck op. You can do it!!
hand hold

Trust me we all aren’t fine I thought the same but then I realised it’s only what we see on the outside.

i struggle every so often. To be honest my daughter is now 14 months old and since she’s been 10 months old she’s been going to a childminders 2 days a week and I took a job at a school for 1.5 hours a day at lunch time, so when she’s not at the childminders she’s with my mum or sister and I tell you now I look forward to the days where I can do something with her or just stay home even that 1.5 hours a day break is enough.

we don’t live with her dad anymore and I take her to see him every day that is possible and he does more now than he used to when we were there.

I realised quickly that I needed to stay in work and universal credit pay 85% of my childcare fees so even this month all I had to pay was £30 of my own money.

Being a mother is hard, being constantly relied on is hard, being woken up through the night is hard and not being able to just run out the door and go on your own is hard. Having to be at home for a certain time is hard but I truly believe my baby will become my best friend and that will make every day easier. Having her for company when she can talk will beat anybody else’s etc.

You probably need to get out more even if it’s just for a walk I’ve done that even when ihe not been stressed and it helped. I took my daughter to soft play and it was great to see her having fun.

when I feel rubbish I smile at my daughter and she smiles back. I ask for a kiss and she kisses me sometimes and I love the morning cuddles that I get. If you find the beauty in some things and stick to it you’ll get somewhere.

Its always going to have its challenges it’s always going to have its bad moments but it’s also always going to be the best thing you’ve ever done.

it’s totally normal to feel and it should pass if it doesn’t your health visitor

You're not alone and everyone else isn't fine.

If it reassures you my mum chats for years were full of mums going through different phases and seasons with their children. Some seasons are really tough and it's exhausting.

Your DH cannot expect you to return to work and continue doing 90% of childcare and domestic duties. He either needs to step up or needs to find a way to outsource his share of the load so you're not doing it all.

Being a mum is hard work, but it's more hard work then the men don't pull their weight.

Hang in there OP, it gets better! I have two years between mine, my second maternity leave was tough going. I know you have said you find it hard getting out with both of them but that was my saving grace, out from about 9 until 2, home for nap, I was so lucky they both napped at the same time, I napped too or if I was feeling ok I d do tidying, cleaning, prep dinner or sometimes sit and chill. They would wake about 4, dinner, bit of a play, bath, watch night garden then bedtime.

i also went back to work full time over 4 days when DS was six months old, and used all ten KIT days before that for a break and adult company.

it will pass, mine have been brilliant fun since I would say probably 6 and 4, it really does get better and you are doing an amazing job!

I also massively struggle and think 'other mums done seem to find it as hard as me'.

Mine are 5 and 2. The sleep deprivation is the worst, I feel like no matter how much DH gives me the night off or our family take the boys for a night, I will never catch up.

My youngest is an appalling sleeper, has been all his life, and honestly I think it has ruined me. I am never not bone crushingly tired and unlike you, I actually get breaks.

Please dont feel like you are alone, there are so many of us struggling :(

Not everyone is fine. many people don’t have as much on their plate to manage on their own though .

I've 3 between 5&10 was just thinking today who are these people who change job ECT "to spend more time with their children" work is a piece of cake compared to children complaining, arguing, hungry .....

So how much help do other people get ? Because I get the impression my situation is not unique at all and a lot have it much worse than me.

Reading your post took me back and I remember how bloody hard it is!! But it does get easier. I promise.

This. And, yes, some have it worse but lots have dh who do a lot more parenting that that. Best part about going back to work is you can take a day's annual leave (while the kids are in nursery) and actually get. a. break.

Is your OH away for 6 nights a week?

So DH earns money and that's it? Does none of the labour?

No wonder you are on your knees.

Going back to work will be easier. Use all the time in the work day to look after yourself. Eat a proper lunch. Healthy snacks. Lots of water! A walk around the park in your lunch break, with a podcast or audio book etc. Don't rush back to the house!!

Nursery hours are fantastic, once they go to sch it's nearly impossible to find wrap around care so enjoy it while you can.