Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

Totally get where you’re coming from and remember feeling exactly the same! Also had little to no help with a DH who worked very long hours and had a MIL who only helped the other set of grandchildren even when I was really struggling and they had both parents at home a lot and really didn’t need the help. Spent a lot of time feeling crap, resentful and thinking everyone seemed to be coping and even enjoying it way more than me.

But I promise it gets easier - just hang on in there! This is not a great time of year with all the winter bugs about. Once they’re both at nursery and you’re at work and most importantly you get a break, you will feel much more positive about it all.

Nobody else is just fine so you’re not alone, I assume everything was fine with your first when just her but worse after 2nd. Maybe you should have stopped at 1?! Can you get a Nanny/childminder for couple of days or put both in nursery for couple of days?

I’m not always fine (constant illnesses for all of us since she started nursery has been very difficult) but I think the reason things are mostly good is that I only have one child and a pretty hands on DH. Without those factors I think I’d be seriously struggling. I know that doesn’t really help as you already have two and can’t give one back, but I’ve noticed so far that each stage gets generally easier than the last even though there are new hard bits, and I’m sure it’ll be great for you when yours are old enough to play with each other.

Also a really big thing that would help you I think is to let go of people’s judgement and do what’s right for you, you only get one life don’t live it to please other people.

Others seem fine? Hmm. Where to start?

• Some people are also struggling but not letting it show in front of you
• Some parents have a lot of help, paid or family or both
• some parents have better mental health, better physical health, less need to sleep, strong resilience, probably don't need much alone time and thrive on chaos and adrenaline, extroverted
• Some people take to parenting better than others, some people LOVE the baby stage
• Some people have awful jobs or no real careers and feel a purpose or appreciative to be at home with DC
• Some people have more hands on partners
• Some people have or are facing far more traumatic things happening to them or close ones that it puts their daily struggles into perspective such as bereavement or terminal illness diagnosis that it made them appreciate what they have and accept that it's a phase, not their life forever

I hated the baby stage. I don't function well without solid minimum 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to throttle anyone who said to me: mess doesn't matter! (it depresses me having an untidy dirty home) or (enjoy it they are only little for a short while) fuck offffff!!! People mean it well and remember the baby stage with nostalgia so I try to take it with grace and hide my annoyance.

It'll be better when you're back at work. The biggest stress then is childcare when the child is ill and you have to work or lack of sleep and then having to work.

Some people do just have easy kids. They think they are excellent parents but really, it’s just their kids. Occasionally these smug parents have a subsequent child and realise their excellent parenting wasn’t down to them. I once spoke to a woman who only on her fourth child, when all her previous excellent strategies failed, realised it was her kids’ temperaments that made her an excellent parent, rather than her parenting

And if you have kids who let you sleep, well, that’s worth an entire village of support on its own, isn’t it?

You just have a tough deal OP. It will gradually get better, and I am sorry you have Un empathetic smug arses around you.

Can you give your kids entirely to your H on the day he is there, and take yourself off somewhere for a rest/ break that day, once a week? Book yourself into a day use room for a sleep and then a nice meal and spa?

Yes, help everyday like other women get from their partners! As you're not here to help, I need someone else!

I'm unclear if he's home on those 6 days or literally working away Mon-Sat kind of thing? If he earns decent money, why is he working 6 days such long hours?

Your biggest problem is your husband.

There's no 'we' it's just you getting on with it and him living his own life.

It doesn't matter what other people do it or how well they cope. YOU aren't coping and HE is doing nothing to help you.

You definitely aren’t the only mum who feels like that OP. I had two under two, it’s very hard work. But it does get easier. You are doing a great job

I feel the same. Well, maybe not "hate" but it is definitely not a net positive in my life. I spent most of the last year wrestling myself over putting DS in nursery for one of my 2 days off work but honestly I may as well just wait til September now.

Unfortunately OP, on here, there are certain posters who plop into threads and say "Try being a single parent to 4, I NEVER get a break" etc. It's competitive misery. Same as those who say "I would give anything to be arguing with my mum but I can't because she's DEAD." Do ignore.

I feel so much for you. When my kids were at that stage, if I had as little help as you, I’d be utterly on my knees. And I felt utterly on my knees! But my DH was around a lot and more hands on, my mum also came and I would get a few hrs here and there. And still I felt many of the things you feel, the utter relentless drudgery, fatigue, sense of being not good enough. I remember the phrase ‘I hate my life’ running around my head a lot. Tbh I still have the odd day like that now they are 7 and 4. But it is so much better.

Others have said it, but I’d implore you not to add beating yourself up to your list of suffering. Some of this you can’t avoid, but that inner voice that says you should be better - get that to fuck! I’ve read those responses on threads a la ‘I don’t understand why you are finding it so hard’ - please try to say a big massive ‘fuck you’ in your mind to that! Those people either have children with an easy temperament, or their own temperament- whatever, I don’t care, they are not you and not most of us. God knows we judge ourselves enough without other mums along to do it for us. Big hug to you x

This type of partner sucks the energy from you. Also if you do manage to negotiate time away, they often phone you up, feign incompetence and continue to make your 'time off' so stressful that you decide it's not worth it for the good of the DC. I would suggest insisting that you have a 4 hour slot and literally force yourself not to be on call for him in that way. (I left DH eventually , for his ongoing feigned incompetence at all of life not just childcare, three years ago - what amazes me is that he still tries this from a distance!) Unless you hold your line on this, it won't get any better! He can then choose what he wants to do with an equivalent 4-hour slot if he is going to be that petty - spend it as a family or do his own thing. If he chooses the latter then I guess you learn a little more about him.

I only have one. I found 10 months old was the pits. I hated it. I loved my little toddler but 3 years old was HARD. A 3 year old and 10 month old? No thanks. Mine had significant sleep issues (as in he just didn't. For six years) so I feel your pain at the sleep deprivation.

One of the biggest problems here isn't your children, it's your bellend of a husband who isn't being supportive when you are struggling and is telling you to shut up. Deal with him and your problems will improve...

Everyone struggles in their own way. Just because they don't talk about it, doesn't mean they aren't. The fact they aren't says more - that they can't be honest and that's where the issue is - it's taboo.

It's ok to struggle. It's also ok to make your husbands ears bleed until he gets the message that he needs to step up and be sympathetic

Motherhood is the hardest thing anyone could post do ever.

I love it but sometimes struggle so much too, mentally and physically.

You're not alone

This sounds like torture for you. Could you ask/plead with your Mum to come and stay for a few weeks just to give you a bit of respite from the drudgery? Please don’t worry about what other people think, it’s absolutely none of their business.

OP in the nicest possible way you need to change your mindset. The days are long and sometime tedious and repetitive but try and focus on the nice, enjoyable bits with your DC. Complaining will make nothing better, but do just go off yourself and leave your DH with them. You need it.

Time off and choosing a positive attitude will make a big difference

Mentally with 10month old, I needed someone to 'dump' the baby with for a few hours on a regular basis. DH was working crazy hours at that point but still got that I just needed the mental relief. Your DH doesn't get to abdicate that responsibility because you have a cleaner and the older one goes to nursery. He's a selfish bellend who is working these hours precisely to avoid the torture you are having. His response tells you how much he doesn't want to do it. That's says how hard it is louder than any conversation with another parent. He's gaslighting you about it too so he doesn't have to do it

He's not a parent. You are doubling up on the parenting. Point it out.

Defo not fine 💐 just trying to keep going and finding snippets of time for me, I feel so run down and lacking energy. I am on my own too near enough, can be extremely lonely at times! X

I feel like this alot, and I only have one 3 year old.
I just find parenting such a grind. I miss my old life so much.

I don't understand how people can go on to have 2-3 kids. It looks like a complete shit show to me and not worth it.

So no, you're not alone. Parenting can be really shit.

I’m resisting comparing to give you examples but I will say, can you hav3 a dedicated big bag for the back of the pushchair/pram, that you just top up as and when so you’re ready to leave th3 house quickly? It doesn’t matter if everyone isn’t properly dressed what matters is wearing the right clothing for the weather eg warm and layered up and you get away from the feeling you have in the house. Failing that do you play enough? Sounds silly but if feeling overwhelmed are you trying to do everything when maybe prioritise just enjoying playing, reading to them, watching tv with the eldest while nursing the youngest, and as long as there are no trip hazards the housework is going nowhere and you can catch up when they sleep bit by bit. I

It is so hard. You always feel like you’re juggling too much, haven’t done enough, being judged. I think the reality is that we are all finding it hard but for some reason no one talks about it. It will get easier as they get bigger, the challenges are always there but will take a different form x

Similar to what @Aftertheshowisover said, sometimes setting yourself up can make all the difference. I used to set up teddy bear picnics , snacks etc in the cosy room and read my book or a mag in breaks from them playing. We would kill quite a bit of time doing that and it was very chill

I was also on my knees at your stage of motherhood @feddupppp I can still remember the utter exhaustion and lack of support from my DH. (24 years later he’s an Ex DH…)

Things that helped me:

-Taking a small dose of antidepressants for a couple of years

-Taking the DC to any toddler group I could muster the energy for if only to wear them out. I found the local NCT group was quite active in my area.

— Getting outside whatever the weather. Feed the ducks. Breathe some fresh air and walk.

— Talk to your HV. Ask her what she can suggest.

And lastly, you can self refer to Homestart. It’s NOT means tested and it was an absolute saviour for me. I had a fabulous volunteer who came round one afternoon a week. She’d been there and got the t shirt. Took the kids to the playground while I had a looong bath. She was a godsend.

www.home-start.org.uk/

I was so impressed and grateful by the help Homestart gave me that I became a volunteer myself. I’ve made some great friends along the way.

Lots of great suggestions here.

I’d just add to ignore what other people say re how much help they’re getting or how easy they find things. You’d be amazed how many people lie and say they’re doing everything themselves and have little or no help but then you find their DH works from home or their parents practically live with them.

Unless you’re with someone 24/7 you don’t actually know what their situation really is so don’t bother comparing yourself to others.

Just focus on how you feel and what might make life better for you! I would say in your situation that wanting a few hours respite is completely normal. There are very few people who’d be happy caring for 2 young children on their own with no support 6 days a week. I’d look into arranging a couple of mornings a week with a childminder for your youngest while your older one is at nursery or similar arrangement.

I totally get what you are saying. My life was hideous when they were that age TBH. It’s the constant exhaustion, boredom, relentlessness, feeling of being touched out all the time. Mine were terrible sleepers - not once did they nap at the same time despite my best efforts.

My daughter was surgically attached to my boobs for 2 years.

i remember wanting to kill my partner because she had a 45 minute commute to work - 45 minutes alone to listen to the radio! I was so so jealous!

I now know I had awful PND which obviously didn’t help but sleep deprived was the killer.

You are deep in the trenches OP. And you will sleep again. I do think you DH has to step up though - his Big Important Job is not more important than his family. Why does he work 6 days a week? He is working long hours on those days? How are you going to resume your career if he won’t share the childhood illnesses and the parenting load? I hated ML but when I returned to work, we did share the mental load and the drudge which helped.

mine are older now and I still find parenting really hard, I am not a natural. But I do adore them and life is immeasurably better.

Hang on in there. it is a cliche but you do have to take it a day, and sometimes an hour at a time. Hopefully it will be a bit easier come the spring when you can be out with them more - they can trash the park, rather than your house!