Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

I PROMISE you that everyone else isn’t ‘fine’. I know it’s really rough but you are not alone, sometimes having children is utter shit.

I post here because if you talk to people in RL about this, they just think you're weak and should stop whingeing. My H included.

I can never talk to anyone about how I feel. When I try, it goes wrong. ( with my H anyway )

Well, even the help I do get, gets resented / judged by others who ' did everything alone ' and don't respect people who get help sometimes.

Its hell. Sleep deprivation is a torture. I actually set my work pattern to 3 and half days. So on the half day I could sleep all afternoon while they did a full day a daycare. It's only way I stayed sane when dh worked away

Can y out outline your routine, what a day can look like, so posters can spot where there might be room to change something up to free up time/energy?

We aren't all fine, honestly.
We are all working our way through how hard having kids is. Nothing can prepare you.
I think some people don't like to admit they are struggling.

Work will help you massively. I think of work as a break now, it saved my sanity.

Who is having the baby whilst you work? Is she going in nursery also?
Are you able to get her into nursery sooner?
To give yourself sometime to recharge before work?

Definitely this! Do what you can, leave what you can’t, prioritise the essentials child top of list of course. Get out as Much as you can for both your sakes if it helps. Fresh air, change of view, both underrated. Comparison is the thief of joy (or something like that) is v true.

Hahaha. Everyone is NOT doing fine. Especially those who make you feel judged, they likely are doing that because they're not holding their shit together either. Try a few kiddies groups until you hit the one with the nice people who take one look at you, make you a brew while all the children lick the stickle bricks and you all moan about finding rice krispies in your hair and in the bed. Ignore all the others.

Work is so much easier !!

I think nursery is going to be the way to go.
However, they're always ill. They're literally, always ill.

There are awful moments exactly as you've described, OP. What you've said there about life being so small - it's a Groundhog Day of reducing an adult sized brain, capacity for thought and productivity and need for stimulation into a 3 year old's concept of the world and that is SO hard.
From what you've said I think you know your husband needs to step up. You haven't said why he's not playing an active role as a parent - is it work schedule, or disinterest? Either way it needs to shift.
What would really help for you is to get some regular, scheduled time away for yourself that you can count on and look forward to - you can manage the poonami on Monday because you know you have a lovely yoga class and no baby bedtime to do on Wednesday and nobody can take that from you. How's the budget, is it possible to hire a babysitter to do a weekly bedtime session if your husband can't/won't manage it?

@Aftertheshowisover I find getting out with both an absolute nightmare !

I feel you, OP. I feel like this often, overwhelmed and like I’m drowning. Mine are 5 and just 3! It’s so draining. I just feel tired. My husband feels the same, we are knackered all the time.

It’s such a drag getting them in their car seats, making sure they have water bottles/snacks/shoes on both feet/coats/fucking gloves and hats etc etc!! Our house is a mess the whole time. Kids coughing. Constantly. In your face. Battles over snacks they want (getting in to the cupboards), battles over wanting to do painting but then wanting to do some other messy activity before they’ve even really done any of the painting…cleaning one room, breathing a sigh of relief, going in to another room to find it’s a tip again, cleaning that mess, and whilst you’re doing that, they make a mess of the room you just finished cleaning…

Sorry for ranting on your thread! But I 100% get it. I’m not saying I don’t love my kids. I adore them. I adore being their mummy. But it is very very hard. You are not alone and this will pass. I find it goes in stages. Sometimes it feels manageable and amazing. Others it is like you’re drowning with no end in sight. But it does pass. Does your husband work away? Could he not take the kids out more? Hopefully going back to work will give you some much needed breathing space and adult interaction. I work part time and those days are essential to keep me from cracking up!

Everyone isn't fine. Mine are 2 years apart and it was hideous when they were tiny.

1. it will get easier as they get older, IME . Mine are now 19 & 16 and two under 5 was far and away the hardest time
2. no one finds it easy. Everyone is melting and dying inside
3. your H needs an appreciation of what it is like, he needs leaving with them whilst you go off and do something - anything - just for you.

They’re not all fine. Guaranteed. They’re scared of admitting their challenges, so act as though all is ok. The pressure to be seen to be managing it all perfectively is high.

I partly blame social media and the snap shots posted of people’s ‘perfect’ lives. It’s all smoke and mirrors - that one perfect photo that gets posted probably took 3 hours and involved many many tears!

oh. And your OH need to step up, and take his kids even just for a couple of hours. I recommend leaving him with the kids, and go out - shopping, cafe, sleep in the car - whatever works! Just don’t answer your phone…

Why is your H only there one day?

Can you leave on that day - go to the gym, a long walk, work, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a 3h bath?

The answer is many people are not fine but most of them have more help / support than you.

Will your H step up when you are back at work and both DC are at nursery? Taking equal amount of time off when they are ill? Splitting drop off and pick up? Taking his fair share of the mental and physical load? Dealing with night wake ups? Doing it all on your own will lead to burn out, 100%.

Another thing to mention OP, a lot of people look back on this time with rose tinted glasses and forget how bloody exhausting it all is.

I think the only solution is to either get your DH to deal with them and let you have time out, or could you go to your mums for a bit and get some rest there whilst she helps with the kids?
I promise it gets easier.

You need more regular breaks- where’s your H all these times?

No and no. Can't do any of that. The way his work is, it's just not possible.

I could have written this. My DH and I are in the same position (same ages too). It's the sheer bloody drudgery of it all that gets me- it's so predictable and there's absolutely no space for spontaneity or joy because it's all routines and needs.
We don't have any outside help at all (apart from childminder while I'm at part-time job), no family, no babysitters. It takes it's toll on marriage and mental health in equal measure. It breeds resentment between us even when there's nothing wrong because we're so bone-tired and overwhelmed.

All I know is that the best and the worst are all just phases- it's never wonderful or horrendous forever.

I'm curious though OP- your DH MUST have time off - why on earth does he not think that these are his responsibilities? How has he managed 3 years without having to take them out or do the shopping with them?

What about weekends? I’d be absenting myself for large chunks at the weekend I think. 3 hour stretch as a minimum.

Tis hard bloody work and often shite. Your dh sounds shit too.

Count the seconds until you are back at work. Enjoy the respite and adult company.

@Constellar I do go to the gym sometimes on a weekend. But he's only home one day a week, so he gets resentful of me just going off. He would rather we did something together, which is fair enough kind of. He also never gets a break from work.