Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

I really feel for you OP, I can remember those days well.

Have you told your mum how you are feeling? Could she come and stay and help you for a bit? How about your MIL, do you get on ok, would she help you? My late MIL was a great help to me with my boys.

Surely DH could take the children out to the park, or for a walk with the pram, to allow you an hour or two of peace.

it’s completely unfair for you to take all the responsibilities and care for the children, can’t he see how it’s getting you down?

It's good that they are always ill now. Better than later when you go back to work.

Your husband is a twat and shit father who can't manage on his own.

Sleep deprivation is the worst.

Other people are not fine.

I wish we could purge the world of fucking men who believe their job stops at the procreation bit.

My DH is very, very supportive - he does night feeds, bath times, bed time, I do all day everyday. We split it on weekends.

This is after I had a complete breakdown when DC was still under 6 months because I just wasn't coping. But he didn't tell me to suck it up because he's not a dick, he's a supportive partner.

No one is coping 100 per cent, it's fucking hard work but no one wants to admit they're not coping because there's still a very large stigma attached to not Mary Poppins-ing every minute of motherhood.

You are not the problem. You're surrounded by unsupportive assholes. He either needs to pull his weight or fuck the whole way off. I suspect your life would be a lot less stressful without a third child.

What did you do to have a breakdown ? I've tried screaming, crying, throwing shit around. I've broken down crying in supermarkets, in front of my mother in law, husband etc. nothing works. I've broken down in front of my parents screaming / shouting on my own ( they could hear ). I just think everyone thinks I'm a shit mum. And no, that's not in my head, they really think that. They really think I need to just get the fuck on with it. It's what having kids is, tough shit.

You have it really tough and I sympathise- I have a 5 year old and 21mo twins, it’s their first winter in nursery so we have constant illness. DH pulls his weight- he does 4/7 nights with the twins a week and some of the nursery and school runs as he works from home. But I am so poorly all the time. In the last 10 days I’ve had D&V and now I have cold/chills, sore throat and conjunctivitis in both eyes. I’ve had to carry on for the most part, DH took the kids for a couple of hours when I was really sick but that’s it. If he was that poorly he would take the day off work and go back to bed! But he does his share in other ways so I can’t get too annoyed. But I definitely don’t feel like I have it together, I look at other mums on the school run with their hair and makeup done and think they have it together!

In your position I would probably be questioning whether it’s worth being with your husband. He sounds utterly selfish. Being at work is a break compared to young kids!

Sounds like you are single mum , what was the plan ? I’m honestly not shaming or blaming , I really feel this and I only have one of 3 years old and she still doesn’t sleep through a night , I’m desperately trying to find in myself the strength to have another one cause we do want one , cause we know in the long run is gonna be good but I just can’t bring myself to go through what you are describing … I’m honestly asking you how did you manage to decide to have a second one ? Was life easier with one and you thought you could do it again ?? Cause that’s exactly how I see myself ending up if I have 2 and my partner would be waay more helpful than yours …
your H is a dick … I’m sorry but he is leaving you alone and drowning … you could leave him tomorrow and your life wouldn’t be effected … might even get easier cause there is nothing like the loneliness of doing it all alone when it was ALWAYS meant to be team work … he doesn’t get to have a kind of job that keeps him from being home or help and have the whole happy family and children once he gets home … especially if there wasn’t a help planned for you . Selfish ass that’s whT he is . He is the issue here not the kids not the routine not the fact that they are always sick … that’s shit but natural and will get better but he will still be an ass in 10
years and you will live next to someone who left you drowning in a moment of need and shamed you for needing help .

I really struggle too, I think lots of people do. a couple of things which has helped me are…

not to hold myself to unrealistic expectations. There is only so much I can do. Don’t guilt myself about the things I can’t manage.

sleep deprivation is awful and makes everything seem worse. As they (hopefully!) get older and sleep better then you will feel better.

toddler & baby is the hardest combo! Toddlers are completely unreasonable little beings, with little safety sense. Babies are 100% reliant on us for everything. It’s gets easier as they get older!!

make sure your DH pulls his weight whenever possible. If he’s not home much then it’s imperative he does as much as possible when he is there. He is not more important than you and you both deserve down time to rest.

don’t rule out post natal depression, it’s very common at the stage you’re at. Don’t be afraid to speak to the gp or health visitor about this if you need to.

Hi OP, I have children the same age as you and it is relentless. If people are judging you for getting help sometimes please ignore them. Remember the saying it takes a village? It is so true. We weren't meant to do this alone.
Children tend to play up for their mums because we're their safe space. But you need to prioritise yourself sometimes. It's ok to walk away for a breather if the whinging gets too much. The housework can wait sometimes. I find it helpful to get out each day with the kids, even if just a long walk to the park if you can manage it. And going back to work will hopefully be a good thing for you and help you feel a bit better.
I have no advice about tantrums I'm sorry but you sound like you're doing a great job in what's been a very challenging few years. I hope you feel better. Please reach out to family, friend, GP if you need.

Just here to say it’s not just you. I have a 5yo, 3yo and 9mo. Currently the 3yo is off nursery because we’re potty training and he had so many accidents there yesterday and the 9mo is whingy and teething. It’s really really hard. The 5yo has her moments but she’s much easier to deal with generally as she’s becoming a bit more self sufficient. And she sleeps. It does get easier. But for now 3yo is watching the iPad to keep us all sane 😬😬 Some days I feel like we’re on top of stuff but they’re not very often. Even days out usually end up with tears. 9mo starts nursery next month and I go back to work and even though it will be hard I am looking forward to some time when there’s no children wanting my attention.

I have two 13 months apart and some days nothing seems to go right, others are lovely. What I have found really helps is just getting out of the house. If I don't it is much more stressful, so I go out every morning and we do something and it honestly makes such a difference to the day.

I feel for you. Potty training is hard !!

I can't even imagine having 3 kids. I wouldn't make it I think.

The iPad, oh the dreaded iPad. We use it. I try not too, as much as I can. My mum is CONSTANTLY making me feel bad about giving the 3 year old the iPad. Every time she calls me she says ' I bet she's on the iPad '. The reason she has tantrums is the iPad, the reasons she has deep tear troughs is the iPad. Everything is the iPad ! And my fault as a mother as I'm failing her. She reminds me every single time she phones me.

tell your mum to piss off too - has she got anything constructive to say? Or is she just going to pass judgement as well?

She calls and if I put FaceTime off she literally just criticises us the whole time ! ' is he wearing socks ? ' watch out he's about to fall.. ' don't let him stand there he can open that cupboard ' ' why is her hair not tied back ? ' why is she on the iPad again. Have you cooked anything tonight ?

That was our last FaceTime two days ago. I did. tell her to stop, I always do !

You are at the sharp end with kids of those ages. It is difficult. Everyone finds it difficult (and if they don’t they have a lot of help or are not being entirely truthful!). It does get easier. Can you think of anything that might help make things easier now?

It really does sound as if you're struggling. But admitting it is the first step before things can get better. I don't meant to be cruel, but some mums will of course be better at being a mum than you. That's the case with anything in life - there will always be people who are better than you. You don't automatically get the skillset of a good mum, just because you have kids.

The first step to coping better is finding good mum role models, and try and find out what works for them, what strategies they have, what routines they have. If you do what they do, then with time and perseverance there's no reason why you shouldn't get outcomes similar to them.

I find Mumsnet tends to be very good at making you feel better, but not great at providing concrete advice to actually help with an issue. Hopefully you'll take this post as inspiration to improve, rather than a dig. But it's up to you - as with a lot of things in life it's all about mindset

And it sounds like need to have a frank talk with your mum and the effect she is having on you.

If I'd only had my daughter I'd be such a smug mum luckily I had my eldest first and he taught me humility and understanding 😂

It’s just really, really hard work. Mine are 2.5 and 4 and I feel like I never stop. I just move from mess to mess to mess. This winter has been awful for illness too. I do feel it’s getting a lot easier though, when my youngest hit 12 months things started to get better. I can assure you that I don’t feel like I’m coping fine most of the time!

Your post has actually really stung somehow. That's not to say you were trying to be mean. Probably says more about me. I know you did not intend for that.

OP I have a 2.5 year old and a ten month old and I feel like you. I love my children dearly, and wouldn’t be without them but it’s exhausting at the moment and I don’t have any health issues.
You asked what help others get; My 2.5 year old has been going to nursery throughout mat leave for 2 days a week, initially full days, but now half days as mat pay is gone. My DP also works long hours and has a long commute but only Monday to Friday, he’s off at weekends, and he is supportive when he’s home. I dread going back to work too as my work is stressful and I’ll have to do all pick ups and drop offs. Both our parents live the other side of the country, so not much family support.
it isn't surprising you’re feeling like you do when you’re having health issues and you look after two tiny children by yourself 6 days a week. I think that would be too much for a lot of people. If you can afford it, put your foot down and tell your husband you need to hire more help if it isn’t possible for him to reduce his hours and help more.

@Catsonskis god I’m so annoyed on your behalf at being guilt tripped for older one being in nursery. Surely it’s a win win for everyone as baby gets one to one attention, toddler can socialise and do fun things in nursery and you ‘only’ have one to look after on those days. Argh I hate how us women are being judged/guilt tripped etc when we’re all just doing our best.

OP I forever look at other mums and think they have it all together, look fab, are calm etc when I feel like such a mess.. then I try to remember what one of my friends once said - ‘we’re all just getting by’ or similar when we talked about parenting.. I find it helps.

Re men: DH is definitely not perfect but he pulls his weight, and he also gets up at night/when DC is ill/scared etc, I’d say it’s 50-50. Not meaning to rub it in, just saying it is possible and should be the norm!

OP if you love your kids and do a ‘good
enough’ job then IMO you’re a good mum. Striving for perfection isn’t achievable and isn’t good for kids anyway. They need to learn that people make mistakes, aren’t perfect… otherwise what ridiculous expectations will they have of life. Please don’t think being a good mum is a competition. Two completely different mums can be both great mums!

Please ignore this poster OP. There is no-one on earth who is a better mum to your children than you. Because you're their mum ❤️ it is completely, utterly normal to feel as you feel. I felt just the same. You'd probably find it so much easier as a single parent without your awful H bringing you down. Maybe something to think about. In the meantime, you're the best mum your children could ever wish for. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

I don’t need to meet the objective standard of being a good mum. I just need to be a good enough mum for the kids I have.

I always tell them “I’m the best mum you’ll ever have” and it’s true - some days are better than others mind you, but no one on earth is more qualified to be mum for my kids. And it’s the same for you!

It sounds like you are surrounded by unsupportive assholes who are not helping just nitpicking. How utterly crap of them.

OMG what an appalling destroying post @Matlab

OP this says nothing about you and everything about @Matlab

”take it as an inspiration to improve” oh do FTFO

The worst thing about parenting in my 19 years of it? Dick comments and attitudes like this. IGNORE