Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

Very very small thing but they don't need "proper dinner". Could you do pre made pancakes and ham? Beans or scrambled eggs on toast? Give them a snack (yogurts,) while you get 10 mins to throw a simple dinner together? Might take a tiny bit of pressure off you

I promise it’s not you. I was like this too - very active baby, bad sleeper, breastfeeding went wrong, bad birth, not very helpful husband, no family support. Couldn’t put DS down to change him without him crawling off.

I was exhausted. And tearful all the bloody time.

It turned out I had PND and anxiety - but even if you don’t, what you are dealing with is shit, relentless and utterly exhausting.

I promise it’s not just you. Could you afford to put one or both of them in nursery one day a week so you can actually rest?

My GP was crap at diagnosing my PND, said I was “exhausted”. I had to go private in the end - worth investigating that (if you could afford it) in case your GP isn’t helpful.

But no, OP, it’s not just you. It really is this hard. That’s why we haven’t had a second. If we do, there’ll be a huge age gap. DS is nearly 4 now; I promise it does get easier.

OP you ask how much help other people get:

We have one DC in preschool, which offers wrap around care during most school breaks.
We both work full time from home and both have pretty relaxed jobs (DH works 10-5 and I work 7-4 with a long lunch break).
DH covers as much if not more illness than I do. We both have flexible jobs and usually can just work around any illness days.
My parents live 10 mins away and are not regular childcare but very willing to be pinch hitters. They cover a lot of gaps from the school, usually do a couple of sleepovers a month, maybe a date night or a weekend afternoon a couple times a month.
We had a nanny full time until DC turned 4, she is regularly available to babysit when my parents can’t. We have been choosing to save the money but could afford to have her 5-6 x a month.

I work out most days, ski most weeks during the winter. Go out 4-6x a month, meet friends for walks after DC bed time a few x month. Your life does sound really hard. I don’t know if that makes it feel better (you’re not being a baby about it!) or worse because it doesn’t have to be like that.

We also did sleep training at 7 months - gentle controlled crying (NOT cry it out). It worked in three nights. Highly recommend it to save marriage and sanity.

Who's giving you this impression tho? Cos it sounds like it's all coming fro ma DH who chooses to work in a job where he sees his wife and kids 4 times a month so has no idea.

DS has a disability to no one looked after him until he was 3 or so and just an hour hear and there. No one has all three. Both Nans do 45 minutes a week as there's a, gap between me going to activity with eldest and DH getting home. But I have a DH who does a fair share.

Yes some parents are alone whilst their partners work for months in rigs or in the army or whatever your DH does where he's away 6 days a week but let's be clear. He is making that choice.

If he earns bucket loads for it, you need to buy in what he isn't giving physically. If he can't afford it, why the hell is he working those hours away from home?

@SleepingStandingUp my H gives that impression. It's just what life is like for mums. I also have some friends who get lots of help and he thinks it's ridiculous. I think he thinks I have enough help. Older child in nursery ( although doesn't go a lot due to illness ). Younger child is with me full time of course.

Cleaner once a week.

It would be a lot easier if it wasn't for constant illness. But even then, looking after the baby is torture, especially when I'm not well myself and extremely sleep deprived.

Even though I have a cleaner once a week, keeping up with all the house work is so difficult. So much laundry! Constant mess, constant tidying. It's exhausting and never ends.

Yea he does earn enough to get even more help in. I suggested we could get a baby sitter at the weekend for a few hours. Even to allow us to sort out house stuff and he was like ' ok so you want someone to help every day '.. we are considering a nanny for when I go back to work / or nursery. And I said that he also needs time to himself on his day off, so why not sometimes get a baby sitter. That was his response, that I want help every day and he made me feel ridiculous.

He's just always saying ' yeah it's hard but we just need to get on with it '.

@SleepingStandingUp also other people have said ' oh you're ok, the older one is at nursery ' ' you don't have that much, just the little one. Sleep when he sleeps '...

Or other have said, oh wow, my older one didn't go to nursery when I was on Mat leave.. etc etc. people judge it. Even on here people have told me they don't know why I find it so hard and why I can't cope. In other posts I've made in the past. I made one recently actually talking about how I had felt judged by others because my mum comes over a few times a year to help a couple of weeks and a few people said they don't understand how a grown adult would need that much help and is having that much trouble coping that they'd need that. It made me feel terrible.

We are ALL there with you op. It’s non stop and sometimes you realise you don’t even have a second to have a thought!!!! Firstly yes you’ve been sick and also are probably extremely sleep deprived so huge hugs. It does get easier and anyone who seems fine may have it easier or they might just be hiding it. I see my friends with very young kids now, sleepwalking and I realise that was me. Youngest is 8 now and it’s so much easier but I also miss some of the lovely peppy pig watching/muddy walks holding hands/ sitting colouring/finger painting/reading stories etc.

I'm there with you, OP.

I only have one child (11 months), but I find parenting so so hard. My husband does his fair share and my mum helps a lot, but day-to-day I don't get a moment to myself. Can't even go to the toilet without rushing back to check he's not doing something dangerous.

I haven't slept more than two hours in a row for 11 months. Every nap and bedtime is a battle.

I don't take him to do enough as I'm always so tired and I feel so guilty about my shit parenting all the time, but I have no more to give.

I don't think I'll have the second child I assumed I would, as I'm just not good at parenting.

I found having a baby and toddler SOOO hard. Mine are 15 and 18 now and a baby and toddler was far and away the hardest bit, but it gets easier and easier in my experience.

Whoa, OP. Poor you. Your H is a dick. A selfish sexist wanker.

Agree with a PP: you would be better off separating. He would have to parent/sort childcare for half the time.

Maybe it’s the only way he will ever be forced to parent and take responsibility. He will only get worse.

Even without him being such a waste of time, this stage of having two really little kids is nightmarishly hard. It does get easier.

Our circumstances sound different but so much of the emotions of how you feel I can relate to. And I honestly don't think anyone has any of it figured out! And if they judge you let them off. Being a mum is the hardest (and yes best) thing I have ever done. Having a tiny human depending on you 24/7 is exhausting.

I obviously don't know what it was like truly and I'm sure they had their crap. But in the 90s growing up our neighbours dropped in to borrow the paper. We were sent next door to be minded and their kids came back when their mum had to go shopping or wherever. I live rurally now but last time I lived in town I didn't even know my all my neighbours names.

It’s the sleep deprivation and the illness. No one would be able to just brush that off and come out smiling, it’s torture.

Everyone copes differently because we all have different stress levels, different circumstances, and different children.

Personally I've done the hard child and hard circumstances - probably harder than what you've had from what you've said but obviously can't tell for sure. I got through it because I had to until I had a chance to make things easier, which I did as much as possible, and now it is much easier and I am happier and so are my kids. Unfortunately whilst I got through it it certainly wasn't unscathed and the impact on my mental health took work to fix too. I'd recommend avoiding that if possible.

Anyway, your husband is being a knob. Very easy to say you should cope better and requires bugger all effort from him. Frankly why should you just survive when you could be thriving if he pulled his weight?

He never gets a break from work? Does he have someone waking him up every 3 hours every night when he’s away? No?! Then he sure as hell gets a break from work.

When he says “we need to get on with it” does that actually mean YOU need to get on with it?!

You’ve obviously got a lot to deal with - sure some people have it harder and some easier - comparing yourself is irrelevant. YOU are having a hard time. It IS hard and it’s ok to feel that.

TBH I think you’d be finding it a bit easier if your H provided some emotional support and wasn’t constantly minimizing your feelings and criticising you.

As a first step I suggest telling him you’re completely burnt out from the current set of illnesses and that you need a night off to sleep. Even though you usually love doing stuff together on his day off and value spending time all together, you’re no good to anyone in current state and are worried about going on and on without a break.

Therefore (if the littlest one isn’t EBF and you can face it) next time he comes back (or the time after if you think it’ll work better to give him some lead up), you’re going to stay in a hotel or with a friend when he gets back and you’ll return when he is leaving. If the baby is EBF or you aren’t ready to leave them for 24 hours yet then take them with you to said friend/hotel and just leave the 3 year old.

Use “I” statements (I really need a break/I am struggling/I am burning out/I really need your support) rather than “you” statements (you don’t do anything to help/you’re never here/you don’t understand) Don’t try and make a more long term plan than that moment, just try and get this one tiny pause.

If you do that and afterwards he doesn’t bloody understand what you’re going through and continues to belittle your feelings etc then I’m afraid you have a massive H problem.

And again, really kindly - don’t compare yourself to others, don’t listen to people who are rude and judgemental, and always accept reasonable offers of help. It’ll help your sanity. 💐

I'm so angry at your husband. Not only he doesn't do anything, but he minimises your struggles.
And what does he mean with his work it's impossible to do any parenting? I he was a single dad, it would have to be possible.
Parenting 2 little ones is hard. Especially in winter when they're constantly ill. Glad your mum can help sometimes. Sending you hugs.

Hi Op

I think everyone sooner or later struggles with some kind of issue whatever age related

stage one, it is,in bringing up their children,
especially when your children are very small,

I just think obviously it depends on what kind of support you have as parents and also your own childhood experiences how challenging it is,
People like to put on a facade they have got it all sussed all together, well some people do this,
But sooner or later they will trip up on their smug attitude an be knocked off balance seeming out of the blue when a parenting challenge presents itself,
Also if you are into Facebook ect where everyone seems to show off their perfect seeming lives of going off abroad in the sin happy families ect you know perfect photos for every bloody thing,
Don't read too much into this ,nobody leads prefect charmed lives constantly like instragarm ect
It's just a photos that has just captured a moment in ⏲️ time that's particular poignant ect or ment to give that impression.

Also rember some people. are lucky have luck of the draw have good background as in suppeeeeeeeeeeeeec.support wise too.sigh I know the feeling..

Oops typo mistake I ment to say when people take holiday snaps when they go abroad.ect...

A lot of your problems is your pathetic husband undermines you, makes you feel like you are exaggerating,

He is so deluded, about the everyday hard slog demands of parenting young children,

I am just real curious what job career has he got that he is away from his family for so long then?

If your family finances can afford it, sounds like can, as what else is the point of him having a job like this, as its detrimental at the moment for family well being ,

He should, could put financial provision for extra support for you in whatever that may be.

What job does your husband do and is he actually away for 6 nights or do you mean he works 6 days per week but is home when he finishes at the end of the day.

I have zero family support and H also works away half the month. I also work 4 days a week. I can guarantee you I'm far from fine most days! About as far as you can get. I think I've just got used to the feeling of absolute sheer exhaustion so I don't expect to feel anything different. And I when I do, it's a nice bonus. My toddler also doesn't sleep through the night still so many days (including at work) I'm literally a walking zombie. It's hell. So yeah, you're definitely not alone.

This. Currently I have a double whammy - toddler hasn't slept as she's unwell (yet again). Which means I can't go into work (again). No back up childcare as no local family and H working away until tomorrow.

Not quite sure how I still have a job tbh.

I absolutely HATED the early years of motherhood. I used to shoot daggers at anyone who said it was 'such a special time'. You are not alone. It is exhausting, boring, isolating and just soul-destroying. I love my DC with all my heart but no fucking way do I ever want a pre school aged child ever again. Pure hell.

Sounds like your biggest problem is being constantly undermined by your husband. It suits him to keep you down feeling a bit rubbish, because it reflects from the fact that most dads do more than he is offering.

It's easy for him to say "we just need to get on with it" when he's living his normal life with no change

You haven't said why he's unavailable 6/7 days. Is that because you know it's bollocks and he could contribute if he wanted to?

Your husbands opinion is irrelevant, he has no experience parenting so why does he think he gets to decide how hard it is? You need to get a backbone, your husband sounds awful but stand up for yourself, get some help so you can get a break because he's clearly not pulling his weight with the kids.

And yes, it's hard. I found 0-5 so difficult it put me off having any more. DC is a teenager now and I find it 100x more enjoyable parenting an older child than a younger one.