Why do I find being a mum so hard when others seem fine ??

[feddupppp]

I am just so exhausted of if all.

From the moment I wake up and even when I'm asleep essentially because I get woken up constantly, I'm completely responsible for two little ones. (3 years and 9 months). It's just go go go. Clean this, change that, carry this, carry that. It never stops. The demands, the whingeing- does not stop.

My 3 year old goes to nursery ( although she's never there as she's always ill), but my 9 month old is even more work than her now. Constantly falling, grabbing stuff, putting stuff in his mouth etc. constant poo explosions. Crawls away and resists nappy changes like I've never seen before.

I have help occasionally from my mum, she comes and stays a couple of weeks and it's bliss. My H is there one day a week, but other than that, I'm completely on my own in it. I know others have it way worse than me, but I'm just not coping. I just can't do it. I hate my life. It's so small. It's just them. I go back to work soon, but I'm scared it will be even worse for me.

I've had such a bad few weeks of the kids not letting me sleep, having to look after them whilst I've also been sick myself. I keep vomiting and having stomach bugs or something. ( it's being investigated ).

How do we find the strength to carry on ? How do we do this ? I try to talk to my H about this. I tried tonight and ended up in a fight. He doesn't get it. I told him he doesn't get it, because he's never done it before. He's never taken them both somewhere alone, had the 3 year old have a massive unstoppable tantrum - then had them both fall asleep in the car and had them both screaming and crying when he got them home and tried to get them out of the car. He's also never had to somehow get them both in the house ( plus bags ) then sort them both out, make sure they're safe, make them dinner, get them to bed etc. it all just seems so much right now. Maybe it's because I've been unwell, but I can't see how I can carry on.

Oh god, parenting is hard. So hard. And just when you get used to one phase, it turns into another. Most people find it hard and struggle at some point. I don't think people are often finding it much harder, or situations much worse, more like everybody is trying to relate in their own way about how it's hard for them. Everyone's benchmark for tough is different. But most of us find it hard, I definitely did, and now my youngest is 9 I'm in a stage where life is so much easier. Baby and preschooler parenting doesn't have to be everyone's favourite age, and it's OK to say that it's shit for you.

I feel like I could have practically written this post word for word, my kids are nearly 3 and 1. It's hard, tough, lonely and exhausting. You're not alone xx

I’m in a similar situation OP. I have a 2.5 yo and a 6 month old and I am definitely not fine!

In fact I’m bloody exhausted. Between toddler tantrums and constant night wakes I am completely and utterly at the end of my tether.

My husband is great but he doesn’t get it. He gets to leave the house and go to work
and completely detach. I’m here 24/7 and literally never get any rest.

No advice really, just wanted to say that most of us aren’t fine. You sound lovely and are doing great x

I completely relate. I’m a single parent to 8m old and 2 year old. We’ve all been ill for the last two weeks and it’s just horrific. My toddler has spent around half the time screaming and clinging to me and trying to hurt the baby. A lot of the time the baby has been crying too. I’m so sleep deprived from them waking up alternately but have to do housework in the evenings as there’s no other time. I mostly felt like quite a good parent when I just had one and don’t really feel that now. You feel like you have nothing left to give them sometimes but then have to find more.

I do feel you on this one. Mine are 2 and 4. I feel my world is so small. I hate that people are not upfront and honest about things, when it's so hard. Agree with everyone else, I don't know if anyone is 'fine'. I've been told that it gets better with time but the fact I haven't really been sleeping for 4 years is brutal. I still can't see the light but my mum tells me everyday that it's there ... And mine always get so ill too. I know it might not be much comfort but you're the centre of your children's little universe and even if things are crazy and feel unbearable, you're their world ...... And I'm sure although you don't feel it and you feel bad you're doing an amazing job. It will get better.

I don't think anyone can say they find being a mum easy. It's really hard OP. Some people just cope better than others and some are better at putting on a brave face. I found it very hard and lonely when my daughter was young. As she got older, it got better.-

Why do yo keep comparing yourself to others? It doesn’t matter what other people are doing or how they are doing with their stressful lives, no one person is the same and no one person deals with an identical situation the same.

Why are you so concerned over your hubby having time off when you clearly don’t? You seem to care more about his opinion and what he says you should be doing than you care about your own mental health. If you’re unwell at the moment are you able to give the children to him while you rest on his day off? I think you need to sit him down, explain you don’t want to argue but lay all your emotions out on the table. Explain that without more help or even just a break especially at the moment while you’re unwell you won’t cope. Explain it doesn’t matter how other people are coping or seem to be coping you aren’t and you currently need a bit more help unless he wants you to; A, have a mental breakdown, B, accidentally potentially hurt one of the children or yourself due to exhaustion or worse!!

It is hard having two tiny ones, my first two children were about the same age gap as yours perhaps a bit closer together. I tried to avoid being at home on my own with the children as much as possible (I was young and my ex husband worked 7 days a week, was mentally and financially abusive). I would go absolutes anywhere during the day to avoid being confined to the house such as visit any family who would have me, play centres, parks, walks. That doesn’t seem like an option for you as you’ve stated you struggle with taking them out together.

You need help, please if he won’t give it to you find help for yourself. Can you afford to have baby in nursery one day a week or something just for the time being? Like a respite?

I highly recommend you get a nanny when you go back to work. It sounds like you can afford it. That way the DC washing and toys will be kept tidy, the nanny can do the main meal of the day and you can provide a picky tea.

You also won’t need to worry about them being home from nursery with illness constantly.
Hang in there until then. Get the DC outside as much as possible - it seems to make life more bearable. Have a hug too. It’s tough

Comparison is the thief of joy - do not go there. Honestly just don’t do it.

Your husband needs to hear “I am on my knees here, knock it off with the guilt trips”.

How dare he try to make you feel bad? He needs a break from work? So do you - but you are working all day and most of the night too, 7 days a week.

If anyone is being pathetic or a weakling it is HIM.

I just want to say another thing.

He's fdown with the bug we've all had. The bug I've not been able to kick for 3 weeks that keeps coming back for me and has me up vomiting several nights a week and then looking after two children alone...

So he's finally come down with it and has been home since yesterday afternoon, just nicely in his bed all curled up. Hasn't got up once. Nothing of course! He gets to rest when he feels poorly, but he mums need to keep going. And when we dare complain, well in fact, I didn't complain. I broke down in tears because I was just so exhausted, we are told we are always moaning and just need to get on. The hypocrisy.

And I'm sorry all posters who have lovely husbands! ALL men I know in RL are completely fucking useless. All of them. Everyone I know, especially with young kids is pretty much in the same boat. The job of mothering is still very much a woman's work.

Whether we work or don't work, we made them and they're our problem. Whilst the men get to lie upstairs when they're poorly, we are up vomiting with our kids and then looking after them. It's all one massive joke at our expense.

The job of mothering is still very much a woman's work.

I just meant looking after children.

Ignore your husband. Get in more help. Get your husband to do some solo childcare on his day off. Also, what helped me with tantrums was reading that it's ok if they're not content in that moment. It allowed me to let it wash over me, carry on as normal and ignore, which has - in time - meant they've got a lot better.

I read somewhere that the tantrum is such a horrible experience for parents also because we attach something to it. So whilst it is happening, we have thoughts about it like ' I'm a bad parent. Something is wrong with my child. This is all my fault. This is because of too much screen time.' Whereas if we just thought ' this is my child experiencing strong emotions they can not yet deal with ' appropriately '. That would help. But all the doubts we put on ourselves and our child because of the tantrums make it worse.

It is a hard slog when they were little. I think the only reason I managed is because I was late 20's and had loads of energy then.

You are carrying too much mental (and physical) load. Your DH isn't pulling his weight. I think you need to renegotiate this. I used to "lose my sh!t" with DH occasionally which used to work (at least for a time). Does he know exactly how you feel? Do you get any time alone to recharge? I used to do things like wander about shops for a couple of hours not thinking of anything.

Agree that everyone isn't fine. I think mostly people don't want to admit even to themselves how hard they find it.
I have a two year gap and when mine were your ages we had just gone into the winter lockdown. I cried in Aldi after hearing it had just been announced. No one asked if I was okay. And then a few weeks in I called the GP and got help for pnd because I realised I really really wasn't ok.
Things getting back to normal helped, working more helped. Also as they get older they really do play together more and you get more of a break from that.

I would pay for any help you can afford. A cleaner, extra childcare, whatever you need. Book something just for you to look forward to. And yeah try and go out for fresh air and a run about every day even if it's just the garden. Listening to parenting hell podcast also makes me laugh and feel better about the shitness of parenting.

Your post really resonated with me. I remember dp asking me to ‘pop in’ to a shop to get something on my way home from dropping the other ones at school and I had a complete meltdown. The thought of having to wrangle a toddler and baby out of the car, get them across the road, into the shop, manage to buy what he wanted without the toddler having a tantrum/ pulling stuff off the shelves and then get them back in the car again was more than I could cope with at that already exhausted time. And then I felt even worse because it just sounded so ridiculous and pathetic when I was trying to explain it to him.

Im with you OP, I’m currently hanging out of my arse, being sick/cough/cold/temp and DH is at work 6am until 8pm tonight. He phones in sick and gets lemsip and naps, I get changing shitty arses, school runs, peppa pig, pretend tea parties, tantrums, baths, bedtimes the lot!

Completely unreasonable to ask you. Maybe a petrol station, if you can leave them both in the car whilst you pop in. But there's no just ' popping to the shops ' with two kids that age. It's an entire trip in itself.

My H has never taken both children anywhere on his own before. He has NO idea what it takes.

He's looked after them both for max 3 hours at home, that's all he's ever done on his own. He has NO idea. Having another adult to help makes it an entirely different thing.

I heard this woman talking on a podcast the other day and she sounded good. Might be worth checking out…

www.goodinside.com/podcast/

IYour life would be completely different with a supportive partner who valued the work that you do, treated you like an equal, who listened to you and took you seriously. The lack of support from your partner will wear you down. You need to explain that your mental health means you need a day off once a month and he will be to look after the children and run the errands with them for a whole day. His attitude sounds so superior and entitled that this may not be enough. Your partner doesn't see you as an equal human being. You are not a robot and if you don't find a way to get some time off you are facing burn out.

Motherhood is massively oversold to women IMO. We're told it's hard work "but worth it", that the love we feel for our children will somehow cancel out the sacrifice and the stress and the boredom and the sleep deprivation. But when I actually had kids I realised that whilst I loved them fiercely and would do anything for them, so much of parenting is just relentlessly shit, and I was surprised to discover that the love I felt for them didn't necessarily make it any less shit.

I remember wondering, at 2am when I was up with a 4 year old and a three month old who both had chickenpox and DH was abroad on a 2 week business trip, why the streets weren't full of women screaming, shouting, crying, breaking things every day...where was the rage??? Then I remembered that I wasn't screaming or shouting or breaking things either. Instead I was doing the school run, changing nappies, making endless meals, picking up Duplo and raging on the inside. I cried, frequently, but this was done behind closed doors. To anyone on the outside looking in I would have seemed absolutely "fine", but I definitely wasn't fine.

My kids are older now and life in general has definitely gotten easier. I'm slowly getting some freedom and flexibility back. But some days (or weeks) are still shit. There are still moments where, if I could go back in time and give my pre-child self advice, I'm not entirely sure I'd tell them "it's worth it"...and that's with a DH who does his fair share of the parenting and domestic stuff.

You have a DH problem, OP. You need to outsource what you can, demand some time for yourself and if he won't facilitate it he can pay for someone else to. He is taking the piss.

This is a fabulous summation.

That raging inside thing - so much more needs to be said and done to help women through this. Calling us Karen and belittling us when we take up the slack and take all this shit. Agree you have a DH problem OP but it’s also more than that. Because our scientific has broken down so much there is no support available where there once was.

Mine are 16 & 19 now, one at Uni. It’s absolute bliss now with none of the boring shite that drove me mad in the preschool years. Would I do it again? God the love I feel for them is HUGE so yes, I can’t imagine a life without them. But I’d get back to work quicker, outsource more, insist on more help in those pre school years.

Scientific - society

OP I could be you! Mine are 2.5 and 4m, so in a few short months will both be the age yours are now.

it’s so hard. So hard! But I can’t really articulate why sometimes. I find going out with the two really daunting too! Between lugging the heavy car seat in and out the car whilst wrangling a toddler, or heaving the massive pram out, getting baby in it whilst toddlers screaming to get out first. I’m always so scared of being judged by others two which is daft because if I see a mother struggling I sympathise not judge.

I got the guilt from my parents and in laws two re toddler going to nursery 3 days a week whilst I’m off. If she didn’t go, I think I’d combust!!! All the offers of help that were made from both sides of the family whilst I was pregnant disappeared into the Etha. They only come occasionally, take photos/cuddles and take offence if I don’t sit and entertain them rather than getting jobs done.

we had to sack our cleaner because she was terrible, and can’t find another one right now, the laundry though. Dear god the laundry is never ended cycle of collecting it, putting it on, drying it, folding, putting away (or forgetting it’s in the machine and needing to re wash it) I’d love a laundry service!!!

I have friends with 2 kids older than ours and they say it gets better so I’m clinging onto that. But I regularly send pathetic help me/I’m so shite at this/why am I so crap at this SOS texts to them. You’re not alone.

though I must say, your DH needs to step up! When he’s home he needs to do 50% of the work with you! You do 100% at your job during the day, as does he, and then you share in the evening. My DH works away 3 nights a week but when he’s home he’s great!

Also this is bloody hard and very few people experience it or can fathom it. It’s very hard to ask someone who doesn’t get much of a break themselves to sacrifice their break to let you have a break. We had so much resentment when ours were little because he was working every day, then doing renovation work in between and I was just on my own with all the children. After he’d finished work he’d want to relax on the sofa. I did all the night wakings because he Had To Work. Then if he did have time off he’d want us to do something and couldn’t understand me sometimes just wanting a break. He looked forward to spending time with us and took it personally if I didn’t want to. If I tried to explain it to him he’d get defensive and say “we can swap if you like and you do my job and I’ll stay home, I’d love to be at home looking after kids all day instead of doing my job”. That wasn’t what I was saying at all, and I wasn’t trying to compete over who had it harder because I knew he worked bloody hard but at the same time I just sometimes needed a bit of time where I wasn’t dealing with the children!

We’re ok now they’re a bit older and he often has them by himself but those years were hard and he will NEVER know how hard it can be looking after a baby and toddler alone day in day out because he never did it!