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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
Meandyouandyouandme · 06/02/2023 17:38

Can you not all go out together? Do you not like your MIL?

Danikm151 · 06/02/2023 17:39

She’s still a mother. Invite her out with you.

strawberry2017 · 06/02/2023 17:40

As long as your husband is sending something for her then I don't see why you have to spend the day with her.
She isn't your mother.

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2023 17:41

She didn’t stop being a mother when you became one. Why wouldn’t she want to see her son on Mothers’ Day? Why can’t you go for brunch and visit her for tea? R take her out for tea?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/02/2023 17:42

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2023 17:41

She didn’t stop being a mother when you became one. Why wouldn’t she want to see her son on Mothers’ Day? Why can’t you go for brunch and visit her for tea? R take her out for tea?

I agree with this.

nettytree · 06/02/2023 17:42

How would you feel when your daughters become mothers themselves and decide that you are not important on Mother’s Day. She is still your husbands mother, maybe try and see it from her prospective.

plumduck · 06/02/2023 17:43

Yeah I get the same. She forgets I have a mother I might want to do something with. We do every other year with her but it's never enough.

Pinkypurplecloud · 06/02/2023 17:44

I’d just do things on different days and go out for brunch with your DH and DDs on a different day - added bonus less busy restaurant. Or just invite her with you. Or offer to see her the day before.

AlliwantforChristmasisgu · 06/02/2023 17:44

’Mother’s day isn’t about her any more’?? She hasn’t stopped being a mother! In fact, I would argue that Mother’s Day (Mothering Sunday) is actually more about visiting the mother you don’t live with any more.

Fair enough if you want to go and see your mother, as long as you don’t stop your husband seeing his.

But shame on him for his attitude. And I wonder how you will feel when your children are adult?

CharlotteSometimes1 · 06/02/2023 17:45

We compromise in that DH pops over to see her at some point during the day. I have shared Mother’s Day with MIL and my DM at times and it’s shit. My dcs are older now and when they have dcs I’ll happily handover to them.

JanusTheFirst · 06/02/2023 17:45

She's a mother, of course it's about her as well as you.

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2023 17:45

I don't see why she can't be included in some way, or he pop in sometime over the day. Surely giving you time off could include taking the children to her's? I thought that this was going to be about having to go every year, I've never known anyone who doesn't see their Mum year after year on MD.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2023 17:45

Does your DH have any siblings that can do something with her?

Technonan · 06/02/2023 17:46

After reading some MIL posts on here (not all of them) I take some pleasure in the thought that the person bitching about her MIL will be a MIL herself one day and have a DIL bitching about her.

Meandyouandyouandme · 06/02/2023 17:46

I agree with pp, when your DC are grown up with their own families, I assume it’ll be ok not to see you on Mothers Day.

donttellmehesalive · 06/02/2023 17:46

Good grief you sound monstrous. Look at your kids and think about how much you love them. That's how much she loves her adult children. Perfectly normal in my circle for adults to see their mum on Mother's Day.

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/02/2023 17:46

Fair enough if you dont want to, but i think your husband is unreasonable in not seeing her. Shes his mum, he could make the effort on mothers day to either visit her or invite her out.

ThisWOMANWontWheesht · 06/02/2023 17:48

Yeah, sod those grandmothers. What does Mother's Day have to do with them? Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2023 17:48

Do you have a mum who’s around? If so what do you do for her?

If DH can’t be arsed to see her that’s his decision but if you normally all get on and she’s nice it wouldn’t hurt for all of you or him on his own to pop in and give her flowers in person and have a drink.

I’m a mum but I also value my mum and always see her on the day or the day before to do something together. She’s an incredible mum and grandma and a huge part of our lives, that’s something we all appreciate and want to mark with gratitude.

I admire her persistence in the face of annual rejection.

jacult · 06/02/2023 17:49

Can’t you do something on the Saturday for yourselves and then do something with her on the Sunday?

I can’t believe you think your husband and children are sweet for giving you one ‘day off’ a year!! I think your anger might be a bit misplaced!!

Westfacing · 06/02/2023 17:51

She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline

Does she really invite you every year, and every year you decline?

You both sound as bad as each other!

ReamsOfCheese · 06/02/2023 17:51

I always think some people take this stuff too far. Surely a big fuss on Mother's Day should stop when you become a grandmother and grandmothers should celebrate on Grandparent's Day instead to avoid calendar clashes like this. No you shouldn't have to dick around worshipping MIL on mother's day although I'm sure all those who can't let go will pile on to say otherwise. She should be happy with a card and a phone/video call.

Toomuch2do · 06/02/2023 17:52

donttellmehesalive · 06/02/2023 17:46

Good grief you sound monstrous. Look at your kids and think about how much you love them. That's how much she loves her adult children. Perfectly normal in my circle for adults to see their mum on Mother's Day.

This ^

5128gap · 06/02/2023 17:52

Unless there's a huge back story of her being terrible, I don't think much of your 'hubby' that he can't spare an hour for the woman who raised him on mother's day. You don't need to go. The day is about your relationship with your daughters after all. You're not 'hubby's' mum.

pizzaHeart · 06/02/2023 17:53

’Mother’s day isn’t about her any more’?? She hasn’t stopped being a mother! In fact, I would argue that Mother’s Day (Mothering Sunday) is actually more about visiting the mother you don’t live with any more.
100% this ^