AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

[WorkingMutha]

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

If anything I think it's more important your DH celebrates and treats MIL than you getting "spoilt" by children who live with you. When your dc grow up and leave home it will be a reminder to show up and spoil you then.

I never expect mother's day to be just about me whilst my dc have 2 grandmother's. In the scheme of things you'd be better arranging something to treat you, your DM if still around and your MIL.

This thread is about to be more violent than the red wedding in GOT. Lord God above OP, you know not what you have started.

too and* sorry

It is also entirely possible that your MIL had a mother (and father) who visited their own mothers on Mother’s Day when they were adults with children. So how do you know she has ‘had her turn’. Maybe she hasn’t? Which isn’t at all your fault, but is maybe another viewpoint?

Why doesn’t your DH say ‘Mum, could we do your Mother’s Day on x day this year?’

This is just me pondering...but is it not a little bit like having your moment whilst they are young?

I have girls, and should they have children when they are older I would like to think that I would understand that it's then their turn to have some focus and attention on Mother's Day. I'm not saying I would be happy to be ignored, I'm just saying that whilst their children are young I will understand that I might get my visit the day before or something.

A little like Christmas Day - I wouldn't want my children and future grandchildren rushing around in the morning to get to ours for dinner, I will have had my magical Christmas days when my children were young.

As it stands, I don't go to see my MIL on Mother's Day, but I don't expect my partner not to pop over for a bit.

I was raised that actually spending the day Mother’s Day was for those raising children. Obviously the older mothers still get cards and gifts but the day to relax or whatever is for the mother of under 18’s.

sounds a bit like this grandparents who wants Christmas at theirs because it always has been. Forgetting that they didn’t do Christmas at grandmas clearly. Since she’s always done it.

Surely Mother's Day is just a celebration of mothers? Last year we all went to MIL's and I took in a bottle of prosecco and cake. We all had a lovely afternoon then I went for dinner with my husband and son. (My own mum has sadly passed away). Does it have to be either / or? Can't you just all have a nice time together?

*'This is just me pondering...but is it not a little bit like having your moment whilst they are young?

I have girls, and should they have children when they are older I would like to think that I would understand that it's then their turn to have some focus and attention on Mother's Day. I'm not saying I would be happy to be ignored, I'm just saying that whilst their children are young I will understand that I might get my visit the day before or something.'*

'A little like Christmas Day - I wouldn't want my children and future grandchildren rushing around in the morning to get to ours for dinner, I will have had my magical Christmas days when my children were young.'

Exactly this ^

Sorry but I agree with OP. Mother’s Day should be all about a treat for mums who are doing the everyday slog. Young kids love spoiling their mums and this often requires some help from Dad. My kids have their own kids and I have told them to make sure my grandkids spend the day spoiling their mum.
For the people who say can’t you all go out together, being spoiled means not having to rush out. I remember a couple of times going out with my mother and the rest of the family. My mother insisted it was her day. She made no reference to the fact that there were 3 other mothers there with their children. After a while my sister and I just didn’t bother.

'Can't you just all have a nice time together?'

@Cakeandcardio

Nice in theory but some like to make it all about themselves (ha hem my dm) and then it isn't Mother's day for those with not enough miles on the clock.

I will happily stand down when my dcs are older and be more than happy with a card tbh.

How do you know? Remember all those things that you were never going to do as a parent, when you didn't have any kids? You might just change your mind about how you're going to feel as a grandparent, too.

Also, the origin of mothers day was young adult daughters who were in service, being given the day off by their employers to go and visit their mothers. So there's no background to it being about the mums of small children.

I mean you can say the same to those who claim they won’t be the mils from hell too.

Exactly. And I often think the same when I read posts where the writer claims that they're going to be an amazing MIL.

It's daft to be so confident about how you'll be in a role that you have no experience of.

I agree. We all get together in our family to celebrate Mother's Day, the adult DC love to make a fuss of their Nan.

'My mother insisted it was her day. She made no reference to the fact that there were 3 other mothers there with their children. After a while my sister and I just didn’t bother.'

@Flossflower this is exactly what happened with mine. I have no tolerance with those that make it all about them, this is the issue with shared days, there is usually always one!

😆 yup 100% this.

But I did vote YANBU as IMO, you are the most important mother in your DH's life right now. It isn't that the torch has passed on - you're always a mum despite how old your kids are - but your role as a mum at this stage is pretty demanding and full on.

Exactly this and I've struggled with this from my MIL too. For me, Mother's Day is a day spent with your young children, breakfast made (with help) by them, handmade cards, nice family outing. I won't expect the same when they're late teens and especially when they have their own families, the torch is passed onto them to celebrate the day.

This

She should be happy with a card and a phone/video call.

Surely your fourth word should be grateful, judging by your attitude!

@saraclara I know because I'm not a one for a fuss and my opinions are shaped by what I've experienced. No way do I want my adult dcs to stress about visiting me when sleep deprived with young dcs and their wife needs a break. All i want now on Mother's day is a bloody rest, dcs have me run ragged, infact if dm wants my own dc for mothers day she can have them, the sheer thought of babysitting would send her for the hills though! 😂

I mean trying to think a head as my introverted self I couldn’t imagine anything worse then my fully grown ass children with wife’s/husbands and children wanting to descend on me for Mother’s Day of all days for say a fully cooked Sunday dinner and entertainment.

maybe Christmas dinner so they don’t have to cook so it’s cheaper and less mess hassle after getting to do all the presents etc at home chilled.

I was just raised that most days are relaxed home days. Celebrating at home.

She's your DHs mum fgs and by marriage, yours too.

Meet for lunch or brunch - don't go to her house, then part ways so you can enjoy the rest of the day with your DH and DCs.

My mothers day is normally split, some time with my mum and some time with my DCs. This year I might do a joint lunch, then something separate with my DCs later on. Dread to think what it'd be like if I had to see MIL too, but my DH didn't speak to his mother, she is a cruel woman, and since my DH died, there is def no need to see her!

Hope you both have a lovely mothers day.

Well if they know you, they won't.

My DD's pop round for a little while, after the one with small children has had her own Mothers' Day morning at home. They give me their little gifts and we have a coffee and a chat.
I really appreciate that they take the time to visit. I love them dearly, and it makes me happy that they want to acknowledge their love for me on that day.

I'd understand, but feel a little bit sad if I spent the entire day alone. I don't expect or want a full on day of huge celebration though

To me the compromise would you go out for brunch and DH would take girls to his mums and leave you alone for a few hours.

I’ve seen friends having had mothers days totally overtaken by MILs/DMs where they are expected to make it all about them and they’ve been totally forgotten.
For lots of people spending the day having to go to their MILs and be nice all day and managing small children isn’t any kind of break. And surely that’s the point of it.

I have a friend whose MIL and DM would descent on her and expect to be ‘spoiled’ so she would spend all day cleaning, cooking, hosting and looking after lots of children (useless DH). She used to say it was the worst day of the year and what she wanted to do for MD was leave and be on her own for a full day.