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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
ellyeth · 08/02/2023 23:24

It's not that much to ask is it? Can't you all just celebrate the day together? Imagine yourself in the same situation years from now - where it is made abundantly clear from your child and his/her partner that you are not wanted on Mother's Day.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 09/02/2023 03:14

I totally disagree, you are loved and appreciated and with your children daily. I think Mother’s Day is lovely for the older generation, a special time when their children and grandchildren return to show some love, she doesn’t want cards and flowers, she wants time with HER child. What a shame she has to invite - YOUR family should be inviting her. At least DH has the decency to feel ashamed.

peedoffnow · 09/02/2023 03:42

You are being unreasonable!!
She didn’t stop being a mum because you became one. Your husband is still her son and why wouldn’t she want to spend Mothers Day with HER son??

After all, you’re his wife and NOT his mum, so he at least, should be spending it with her.

Put yourself in her position years down the line and your DC choose not to see you or spend Mothers Day with you? How hurtful would that be?

I have 4 grown up DC but I would be really annoyed if I didn’t see them on Mothers Day, as after all, it’s a day for their mums 🤷‍♀️

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2023 03:50

Why can't your H spend just the morning with his mum then, and rest of the day with you? Its a good compromise. Are you joined at the hip?! You speak as if its a competition. There shouldnt be any 'sides'. If you dont want to go then don't, but make no comment when your H does. Its not all about you.

orchid220 · 09/02/2023 10:22

I find attitudes on here quite strange. Of course the mother-in-law is still a mother but she's not doing the hard work of parenting anymore. OP is doing that as she has small children so of course mother’s day should prioritise her. I have adult DD and while they aren't parents, if they ever are I would want mother’s day to revolve around them if they have small children, not me.

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 10:45

I agree. But I think it’s nice MIL is inviting them for dinner. Means you don’t have to spend a fortune eating out and still get the day together… I’m not sure having grown up kids is easier though.. my mum does her fair share of baby sitting the grandkids.

Barney60 · 09/02/2023 11:12

I also agree with this, if you dont want to go her son should.
Blossomtoes · 06/02/2023 17:41
She didn’t stop being a mother when you became one. Why wouldn’t she want to see her son on Mothers’ Day? Why can’t you go for brunch and visit her for tea? R take her out for tea?

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 11:25

As children we don’t fully appreciate all our mums do for us, now I’m a mother I appreciate her more and am close. Mother’s Day is always spent with her, and she still spends it with her 97 year old mum too…
Being a mum on Mother’s Day is lovely, but celebrating still having a mum on Mother’s Day in my opinion is even more special. So many of my friends have already lost a parent and I feel privileged to still have mine and share Mother’s Day with her… they’re not here forever!
Ask her if she can do Mother’s Day on Saturday so you can give her flowers in person and then spend Mother’s Day doing what you always do.

Jem57 · 09/02/2023 13:51

This reply has been deleted

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rogueone · 09/02/2023 14:35

I think the OP has left the building as she has not returned...

SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 14:44

Mumsnet really should just set up a 'moan about your MIL' sub-forum. So many damn posts all amounting to the same thing.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 14:52

HikingforScenery · 07/02/2023 13:01

You sound quite mean tbh

Your husband doesn’t sound great either.

Your children are watching so will understand you don’t think they should spend any time with you on mother’s day when they grow up

For what it's worth, I don't think my son should. It's a made-up day which causes far too much angst.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 14:53

celebrating still having a mum on Mother’s Day in my opinion is even more special. So many of my friends have already lost a parent and I feel privileged to still have mine and share Mother’s Day with her… they’re not here forever

Even better, be nice to them all year round, not just on one day of the year.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 14:55

I have 4 grown up DC but I would be really annoyed if I didn’t see them on Mothers Day, as after all, it’s a day for their mums

Well they clearly all live very locally to you, which is lucky.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 14:57

crossstitchingnana · 08/02/2023 20:21

I haven't spent Mothers Day with my mum for 25-30 years. Purely geography.

Exactly. Everyone seems to be missing the point that people don't all live in the next road to each other anymore.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 15:00

Same. I find the martyrdom pretty depressing too. The number of people who proclaim that they won’t want or expect anything from their adult children in the dim and distant future as if it’s some kind of badge of honour. If my kids behaved like some MN posters I’d think I’d completely failed as a parent

Snort.

Maybe I am jaded because Mother's Day tends to fall near my birthday (or on it) and it has wrecked my birthday more than once as every pub is full of other peoples' badly behaved children. So I have no desire at all to do anything on Mother's Day itself. I don't expect more than a card from ds, and I don't think that in any way means I have failed as a parent.

FixItUpChappie · 09/02/2023 15:30

It seems I have a different opinion to many posters. I have always felt that it’s a day for Mums to be spoilt by their children, when those offspring live at home. Once they have their own homes and families, they then get spoilt by their children. I am very pleased if I receive cards from my adult children, but I wouldn’t dream of expecting them to do anything else.

^^This is how I see it too. Though I would add its a day for Mums to be spoilt by their children and husbands by way of thanks for what Mums do within the family. I see Father's Day similarly.

Stewball01 · 09/02/2023 15:42

@CharlotteSometimes1
I agree with you although my DMum lived in England and my HMiL lived In South Africa. Where I live have changed mothers day into family day 🙄😳.
I just got gifts from my LC. No spoiling. They didn't take it seriously.
I do agree that OP's dh should go to see his mum.
My MiL didn't like me from before she met me. She turned up when I was in the 9th month. No idea why. My mum came as expected. She turned my milk sour.

orchid220 · 09/02/2023 15:55

T1Dmama · 09/02/2023 10:45

I agree. But I think it’s nice MIL is inviting them for dinner. Means you don’t have to spend a fortune eating out and still get the day together… I’m not sure having grown up kids is easier though.. my mum does her fair share of baby sitting the grandkids.

Many grandparents don't do any babysitting. Mine didn't and I bet OP's mother-in-law doesn't either.

NomiMacaroni · 09/02/2023 16:25

Go out for brunch and take her out for dinner. It is Mother's Day, not your birthday. It may come as a surprise but there are other mothers out there as well, that did not cease becoming mothers when you became one.

Choconut · 09/02/2023 16:52

She's not your mother, why is she messaging you about mothers day? Get your DH to tell her that he's taking you for brunch and it's already arranged but HE will come and see her with the kids to give you a lovely break in the afternoon. I can't stand mummies boys that won't stand up to their overly entitled mothers.

Christerbell · 09/02/2023 18:32

Glad you’re not my dil!!
my sons and dils always have made Mother’s Day very special for me

Madamum18 · 09/02/2023 20:01

but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

She IS still a Mother..its nothing to do with torches being passed. The adult way to approach this would be for her son to have a chat with her about how you as a family like to spend Mothers day making a fuss of you etc. That that does not mean he thinks any less of her as his Mum and could you all go out together or go to her house for a "Mums day" another weekend. Either that or just all get together as a family on SOME years|!

Lianne1977 · 09/02/2023 20:34

Anyone think this a troll…why on earth would you expect your husband/partner not to treat their mother like you want your children to treat you.
I lost my mum 13yrs ago 14 months later I finally(after a lot of heartache) became a mum myself but I spend my Mother’s Days now with my amazing MIL as she’s my husbands mum and I love her for giving us him and we get to drink cocktails and enjoy a day off!

GettingStuffed · 09/02/2023 20:38

I'm a granny and wouldn't want my children to not spend it with their children. I usually get a card from them. I wondered if this harks back to the "mum, what do you want for mother's day " " you lot not to fight for a day"