AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

[WorkingMutha]

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

@WorkingMutha

this op

how will you feel when you have to pass on ‘the torch’?

She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline.

You wrote “invitation “ in quotes as if you consider it a summons that must be obeyed, yet you have no trouble declining every year.

Absolutely

What is your MIL like generally?
Is it you just don’t want to share the day or is your relationship rocky?

You wouldn’t be married without your MIL, as your DH wouldn’t exist. It’s not all about you. It’s about your own DM & your MIL as well. Compromise is needed not exclusion.

I think once DD is an adult doing the hard grafty bit of mothering I would happily leave her to being celebrated by her family. Bottle of wine and a happy mothers day would do me. I’d just be grateful I get a full nights sleep.

Tbh though if it’s important to her it’s on your DH to figure out what to do. Perhaps take the kids around to hers for a few hours and give you some time for yourself.

Do you see your mum?

If I'm being brutally honest, you and your DH sound awful.

Every single year you both decline the invite. Have you considered how this might make her feel as a mother?

The torch doesn't get passed just because you're so selfish that you think all the attention belongs on you that you couldn't possibly deign to allow your MIL to have some of the attention as well.

You are free to enjoy your MD's with your children. Is there a reason DH won't or can't go and see HIS mother on MD or does his attention belong on you, too, OP? Or is he as bad as you?

How will you feel if your children take your attitude when they become parents and decide, oh, well, the torch has been passed and they're no longer important?

I agree with this.

I’ve recently lost my mum so I’m probably a bit sensitive but I find this utterly selfish and really upsetting. Mother’s Day isn’t exclusive, it’s open to all mum’s even those of adult children.

I loved seeing and making a fuss of my dm on Mother’s Day and even though mil has her moments I would have thought less of dh if he didn’t bother. I may have been a mum too but I was better for having my mum to show me the way and I wanted to show my gratitude.

We used to alternate spending each year with dm and mil so they both got to see the grandkids and even though my dm is gone and the kids are growing up we’ll be continuing this with mil.

Remember that your mil is still dh’s mum and always will be. I really hope she doesn’t realise how little she is valued and I hope your dh learns to appreciate her while he still has the chance.

Wow, you really believed that "a son is a son until he gets himself a wife thing" didn't you?

What about your mum?

There's a whole weekend you can do things over, surely enough time to see everyone?

Yep....and probably is getting free childcare or moaning about not getting enough

You've only been a mum a few years wait until your in your 30th year of worry and stress but added to it is worry about the grandkids and DIL and then your child says it's not about you it's all about me me me . Nasty.

You sound like a spoilt brat. Why not have a joint mothers day with her and let DH spoil you both?

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Wow, talk about self-centred!!!!

Would u consider doing it every second year. So one year suit yourselves and the following year suit her. There will come a time when she is not around and you and yr DH may regret it.

Worshipping mil? Sounds like a roast dinner or a piece of cake with the woman who raised op's dh.

How often does he see his mum?

Doesn't he ever want to see her on MD?

I don't think that MD needs to be a whole day of fuss for anyone tbh!

I half agree with this. My parents do. They think Mother's Day is for the mums doing the hard yards with a young/ youngish family. Once you're the grandparent it's time to stow back.

I try and book a date in with the grandparents either close by or have my own treats on another day.

My mum is in her 70s and on her own. I see her on MD instead of leaving her home alone with a hallmark card because I love her and want her to know that. I can't get over the fact that some pp genuinely think that the day should revolve around them once they have their own dc. Surely there's room to include and show appreciation to everyone.

She is your husbands mother, not yours. He can go and see her in the afternoon

I think this is a time for compromise.
Your MIL is still your DH's Mum. It's not altogether surprising that she would like to spend some time with him. You could split the day or if she lives too far away to do that, at least visit the day before. I don't particularly enjoy playing happy families with my ILs, especially since my own parents are both dead and everyone seems to forget that a)they still matter to me and b)I do have other family and I haven't just been absorbed into theirs. But equally, I have to respect my DH's wish to spend time with his family.
Mother's Day isn't all about your MIL , but it's not all about you either, there needs to be give and take.

Gosh I have one son and not having any more children. I hope he and his future partner don't feel this way about me!

Not to say I would expect to see him every year, but not at all, ever on mother's day? I'll still be his mum when I'm 100 and he's 60!

It seems I have a different opinion to many posters. I have always felt that it’s a day for Mums to be spoilt by their children, when those offspring live at home. Once they have their own homes and families, they then get spoilt by their children.
I am very pleased if I receive cards from my adult children, but I wouldn’t dream of expecting them to do anything else. I have had ‘my time’. Now it’s theirs.

I'm not really big into Mother's Day anyway but I get coffee in bed and a little gift and card, I pop round to my Mum's with a present and DH does the same with his Mum. It's never occurred to me that there's a time limit or that one Mum might 'trump' the other..except maybe on someone's first Mother's Day as a Mum.

I do get the point actually that no-one should demand a Mother's Day and I can't see myself making a fuss of it when my DS has his own family.

But I'm cringing though that she asks and you decline every single year!! My heart breaks a little bit for her!

So when your children are all grown up you’ll be fine with them not bothering to visit on Mother’s Day?
Why can’t you find a compromise?
Others have suggested some good ones.
In our family Mother’s Day is about all our mothers. Including my 102 year old grandmother. We will see as many of them as we can get together! I think you are being a bit mean.