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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 06/02/2023 18:54

OP at what age are you pencilling in for your own children to abandon you on mother's day?

Do they have to become mother's themselves or is there a magical age when you should expect to be ignored on mother's day in favour of other funner things?

PennyRa · 06/02/2023 18:54

She's his mother and your children's grandMother. You aren't the only mother in their lives.

saraclara · 06/02/2023 18:54

harrassedmumto3 · 06/02/2023 18:03

I swear to God, if I read one more mean-spirited MIL thread ... Grin

Yep. And I'm not even a MIL (to a DIL, anyway, and fortunately my sons-in-law are completely chill)

I don't think your MIL should 'own' the entire day, OP. But generally I've always found that Mothers Day when my kids were at home, was vey much a first half of the morning thing. Wake up to a cuppa, have a nice breakfast and little gifts, then on to a normal Sunday. So surely there's room for you to have that, and see your MIL for an hour or so. Your DH just needs to explain that he and your DDs have plans for you.

Oldnproud · 06/02/2023 18:55

jannier · 06/02/2023 18:39

You've only been a mum a few years wait until your in your 30th year of worry and stress but added to it is worry about the grandkids and DIL and then your child says it's not about you it's all about me me me . Nasty.

Yes, this.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/02/2023 18:56

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

😂 I usually agree mother in laws are awful, but YABU just because you're now a mother doesn't mean she's not anymore.

EmmaDilemma5 · 06/02/2023 18:57

Why are you competing with your husband's mum? You're both mums!

You're lucky you have daughters. I wonder if you'd feel the same if you had sons and what you'd think if they stopped seeing you for Mother's Day because their wives were jealous is wasn't all about them.

Why can't you just enjoy the day together, two mum's, different generation, all sharing the love of family that day.

I think it's pretty sad of you to exclude your husband's mum like this.

Favouritefruits · 06/02/2023 18:58

It’s not my first choice to see my MIL on Mother’s day but I do it because I understand and acknowledge her feelings too. Can you not go out for lunch and invite your MIL too, that way you get your ‘day off’ and she gets to see her son and grandchildren?

LadyFlumpalot · 06/02/2023 18:58

"However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day."

Why would you not celebrate her motherhood? If it wasn't for her motherhood you wouldn't have your DH and by extension your DC. Seems like a good reason to me to celebrate her motherhood. Honestly, you sound rather mean.

FredaFox · 06/02/2023 18:58

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

I was with you im until you said Mother's Day isn't for her anymore

Proudofitbabe · 06/02/2023 19:01

If she's a good MIL to you then I'd make an effort. My suggestion would be all calling round for an hour to fuss her and give her the card/gift, and have a solid excuse at the ready to get away (i.e. going to YOUR parents next).
A whole day/afternoon isn't necessary, and I agree it's also your day to enjoy with your own children.

If she's not a great MIL then I'd leave it up to DH to get the stuff over to her, he can take the kids while you enjoy the quiet time!

phoenixrosehere · 06/02/2023 19:02

On the fence, tbh.

It depends on the relationship between DH and his mum. Unless OP is stopping her DH from going, which would definitely be the YABVU, it is on her DH to sort.

If the DH chooses not to visit his mum, that’s his decision.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 06/02/2023 19:07

I have 2 DS and I am literally dreading being a MIL if all DIL are like many on these boards.
My DS are leaving home. They are 6 foot and have GFs. I still feel the same about them as you do about your DDs. That won't change.
I wish everyone would just stop and think 'one day that will be me. I will be resented and 'scheduled' and allocated time begrudgingly'. And then change their attitude.
I am sure it wouldn't hurt to go one year.

SerafinasGoose · 06/02/2023 19:08

phoenixrosehere · 06/02/2023 19:02

On the fence, tbh.

It depends on the relationship between DH and his mum. Unless OP is stopping her DH from going, which would definitely be the YABVU, it is on her DH to sort.

If the DH chooses not to visit his mum, that’s his decision.

Same.

But the ludicrously OTT aspersions cast on the character of OP (a stranger on the www) are something to behold on this thread.

Emotive, or what?

Itshandled · 06/02/2023 19:09

My mum takes the view that Mother’s Day for primarily for those with young kids who are doing the hard slog of parenting. It takes the pressure off from my side but we still have MIL to factor in and we vary what we do with her. We see a lot of both of them though and do something with them near Mother’s Day if we aren’t see them on the day.

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2023 19:09

I have 2 DS and I am literally dreading being a MIL if all DIL are like many on these boards.

I know. I was called vile the other day for saying how grateful I am not to have a dil.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/02/2023 19:10

Your don’t mention your mum @WorkingMutha , is she still in your life?

if not (like me) my perfect Mother’s Day would be to have a nice breakfast with my DH and kids, then a soak in the bath while they go off to see MIL. Then more time with my lot afterwards.

she’s still a mum even if she’s not your mum.

Riapia · 06/02/2023 19:12

Quite right OP.
She’s had her day.
Time for her to step aside.
This is the trouble with the old, they think everything has to be about them.
😁😁

RumandSpinach · 06/02/2023 19:13

Admittedly OP isn't written compassionately, but I do think there's a role for husbands/partners on mother's day for mothers of young children. I have a toddler DS and it can be hard work, it's nice to have actual spoiling as opposed to just a scribbled card.

But yeah, try to invite MIL or DH could pop round with flowers during the day.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/02/2023 19:13

I always visited female grandparents and me being a mother would never stop me visiting my Mum or Nan on Mothers Day.
I would expect him to go see his own Mum. I'd be the one nagging for it tbh saying you've got to see ur Mum on Mother's Day.
Don't ur children want to see their gran on Mother's Day? We always got ours cards and presents for it. I wish my Grandma was still alive for me to see her on Mother's Day!

JackieDaws · 06/02/2023 19:16

I think you should accept the invitation, then get all the nen in the family to pay you attention and worship your pre-menopausal fecundity. After all, she's just old and bothersome now, whereas you're young, fresh and fertile so of course Mothering Sunday should be all about you and only you.

MintLampShade · 06/02/2023 19:17

You sound lovely, OP....

UsingChangeofName · 06/02/2023 19:20

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

I was a bit on the fence until I read this .
Shock

Come back to us in 10 yrs time and say you are absolutely no longer your dc's Mother as they will then be adults.

If you had to choose - and I see no reason why you do - then your dh should make the special effort with his own mother on Mothers day. After all, you aren't his mother are you ? It's not 'wives day'.
But I can't see why you can't do any of the several suggestions that have been made that don't involve having to choose.

Vallmo47 · 06/02/2023 19:20

If you would be genuinely happy to be cast aside when your kids are a certain age and have their own families, carry on. If your own mum is in your life, make sure you’re treating her exactly like you do your MIL. One rule across the board. My husband wouldn’t allow me to dictate if he spends Mother’s Day with me or not and that’s fair enough!

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 19:21

Danikm151 · 06/02/2023 17:39

She’s still a mother. Invite her out with you.

Why? The H already sends a gift and card and gives her a call. She’s not the OP’s mother.

AmillionReasons · 06/02/2023 19:21

Op I don't blame you not wanting to see your MIL on Mother's Day and think some posters have been unfair on you, hitting afew nerves. It is up to your dh to see his own mother. I also think it is understandable that mothers of young children actively parenting, and in the thick of it will want a rest. I will happily stand down when my dcs are older and be more than happy with a card tbh. I also understand why your husband will want to be with you as your dcs are too young and he will want to make a nice day for you. Maybe your dh could just pop in for half an hour to see his dm, that is of course if their close.

I have awful memories of spending my first Mother's day with my own Mother, sibling, etc, and she made it all about her. Dh had gotten me balloon from baby and she assumed it was for her (despite the huge bunch of flowers etc!) It was so awkward and she ended up taking it. I spent the day making lunch for everyone and waiting on her whilst running around after my baby with no help. Not onxe did dm acknowledge this was my day top ans my first mothers day so it should have been special. Never again! I do card and present earlier or in post now.