AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

[WorkingMutha]

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

I take my hat off to your MIL for her persistence in trying to make a relationship with you, OP, possibly more for the sake of her ds and dgcs thsn anything.
She probably had to grit her teeth before sending the invitation, trying to find a shared point of contact between you, you are BOTH mothers. How hurtful and selfish to refuse every year. Such good compromises have been suggested on here. It's horrible to think what messages the children may be picking up froom you, what's happened to be kind, if nothing else. Have a 'day off', as you put it, with MIL doing the work on at least one of the weekend days or part of Sunday.
In church services on Mothering Sunday all women, young, old, middling are given posies of flowers by all the children

I think it depends on the closeness of your relationship. I doubt you'd want to spend a special day with somebody if you don't get on well for various reasons/personality clashes/offensive comments etc. It is great when you get on and have lovely times together but unfortunately this isn't the reality for a lot of families. It is very easy to judge when you have an amazing family as it's mayve difficult to imagine that you may not act the same way with different circumstances/relationship types.

Why wouldn't they be with your grandchildren as well as you at some point? It's not either or

*'jannier · Today 14:01

GettingStuffed · Yesterday 20:38

I'm a granny and wouldn't want my children to not spend it with their children. I usually get a card from them. I wondered if this harks back to the "mum, what do you want for mother's day " " you lot not to fight for a day"

Why wouldn't they be with your grandchildren as well as you at some point? It's not either or'*

I think the poster was meaning she would rather they spent the day by themselves, because she wants peace and quiet as they have a tenancy to bicker.

Actually I dont think it will necessarily be the case. There is a very good chance these DILs will go on to be good MILs who know to strike the balance a lot better (from their own experiences of what it was like on the other end).

YANBU

There are lots of grans who try to make mothers day about themselves and their adult children; its pathetic. The graceful thing to do is to pass the baton on and celebrate the new mothers in the extended family (which means taking the backseat on days like this).

Oh Jeeze. Not the baton passing thing again.

There's no need for any baton to be passed. That's no need for a baton to exist. Mothers don't stop being mothers when they get older. And there's no motherhood hierarchy with only one mum that really matters and who gets to hold a fucking baton after elbowing their' competition' out of the way.

I don't think that's fair for grannies to take a back seat.
Ideally they should all be together obviously that's not always possible.
So her dh needs to take his own mum out and spoil her and op go with her mum and her dc.

If it was fathers day then I would advise ops dh go with the dc to his dad and op go to her dad

The whole mother's day thing depends on proximity. My mum and mum in law lived 2 and 2.5 hours away. So we generally didn't see them unless they were staying with us. They didn't expect to see us, my mum couldn't care less anyway, so I was the lucky one who for the attention for a coupe of hours in the morning.

My DDs (one a mum herself) live nearer. I leave it up to them, but so far I've seen them each year (when Covid didn't interfere). I don't know what will happen this year, but now that my eldest DGD is old enough to know about mothers day, I'd hope that the morning will be about her celebrating her mum. That's where the priority is at that age.

For one woman to become a grandmother, another has to become a mother; its as simple as that @saraclara . Sounds like your mum couldn't care less and your MIL doesn't seem to care either, so you have had it easy, good for you. Some of us others dont and it looks like the OPs MIL is making it a competition indeed with the OP trying to elbow her way out of it. Like it or not, this happens for many and its often the MILs setting the trend.

Actually, I reckon that just as many of these DILs will go on to be crap MILs, if not more. If MN threads are anything to go by, striking a balance is something that a lot of modern mothers seem far less willing or able to do than previous generations, so why would that magically change when they become grandparents?

Similarly, there are almost certainly as many crap DILs out there now as there are crap MILs. They're all equally human, so why wouldn't there be?
Neither group recognises themselves, of course, and always thinks the other is the bad one ...

I really agree with this.

I don't normally see my Mum or MIL on Mother's Day as we live so far away. But I always arrange another day with Mum and send a lovely gift and card to MIL. If my husband wants to visit, I'm in total support but it's a 1.5 hour drive so unlikely and they don't have the best relationship.

Surely adults don't bicker like children if they do some one needs to knock their heads together

@jannier you haven't etc alot of families, the sad fact is some do; pettiness I suspect.

met*

My DDs (38 and 42 years old) usually try to meet up with me and DGSs on or near Mother's Day. I don't expect to see their other halves but if they come along as well that's fine. One DD is also a mother herself and we all have a good time together.

How are you going to feel OP when your children become adults and no longer want to spend Mother's Day with you at all? Your attitude now could come back and bite you on the bum!

All those posters who object to their DP or DH spending Mother's Day with their MIL then think how you will feel when you become a mil? You don't stop being a mum.

I don’t think anyone had their dh’s shouldn’t see their own mums have they? Just that as mothers they want to spend the day with their children and possibly their mum if she is still around. Leaves dh to visit his mum if he wishes of his own free will.

Men don't have a free will.

Everything they ever do, every decision they ever make entirely of their own volition, is always their wives' fault.

You have to wonder how any of these infantalized, emotionally dependent, domestically incompetent males ever manage to hold down high-powered CEO jobs, maintain the bulk of the remuneration for doing the same jobs women do, or maintain their position as the most socially and economically privileged sex ...

Ah yes my mistake. I shall put my husband back in my purse. Unless he does something good I’ve actually told him then it’s all him 😂

Easy solution she wants Mother’s Day gives giver her Mother’s Day , you have Mother’s Day too you have the U.K. mothers and she can have the American/ rest of the world Mother’s Day lol 😂

A little like Christmas Day - I wouldn't want my children and future grandchildren rushing around in the morning to get to ours for dinner, I will have had my magical Christmas days when my children were young.

DS had to cook Xmas lunch for his family in 2021, due to Covid restrictions. Looking forward to Xmas 22, I asked grown up DC if they wanted to cook their own Xmas lunches again? DS told me:

"No, I don't! I spent all day in the kitchen! Its much better when someone else does the cooking! You had 2021 off, count yourself lucky!

On Xmas Day 2022 at our house with all our family, son in law, who is Asian, so Xmas Day itself is meaningless to him, and he could have been earning £125 per hour, doing a locum shift said:

"What a great day! Why on earth would I ever want to work and miss this?"

My MIL was very craving and my DH an only child. Also, she always claimed our DC were "her" children, so she demanded they visit her on mothers day. I have shared mothers day with her untill she died and I hated it. So I understand perfectly how you feel.