AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

[WorkingMutha]

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Yet another example of a woman - a woman over child bearing age - being seen as worthless and redundant. And those around her imposing on her an expectation that she should facilitate everyone else’s wants and needs whilst pushing down her own - oh, and painting on an indulgent smile whilst she’s at it. Be GRATEFUL you get a Mother’s Day card! Be grateful your darling offspring even deign to acknowledge your existence!

Bullshit!

The misogyny in our society clearly knows no bounds.

So saddening and infuriating at the same time.

I really feel for your mil op.

This reminds me when I went to a restaurant on Mother’s Day solo (my choice as I choose to do every year since it’s only DH and myself with our sons, no family help) and I watched this mum walking with her toddler to keep them occupied while her husband and his parents were deep in conversation. I was there for an hour and none of them took over for her with the toddler and barely looked her way. By her body language, I doubted she wanted to be there or spend it on her feet walking her toddler around.

We try to include everyone in a nice celebration - new, old, inlaws, grandparents. There's enough love to share and celebrate more than one person at a time.

@phoenixrosehere

and im sure that mum’s mum (and her partners mum) will have done just the same back when their offspring were toddlers.

A voice of reason!!

There are two meals to choose from. You could have lunch with your DH and children, then pop round for tea with MIL, assuming the journey is not too long.

So? Still doesn’t make it right.

Op ain't coming back.

She clearly didn't expect to get her arse handed to her 😂

It is Mothering Sunday not Grandmothering Sunday. Your husband can send her a card and give her a ring, but there is no need to make the day all about her.

The torch has passed that's not very nice. Implies she's past it now and should know her place. You are both mothers, perhaps invite her out with you?

So once you’re a grandmother you’re no longer a mother?

Grandmothers ARE Mothers. Don't need to make the entire day about her but IMHO she deserves at least a brief visit.

Could maybe say we don't have time to eat here, just call in with card and prezzy then onto your own meal.

I'd be absolutely heartbroken if my son didn't want to see me on Mother's Day.

I do fully agree that you deserve to be spoilt, too, totally get that, but she's a mum, too and it's really mean to think that 'the torch has passed'.

There's no reason why both can't happen - he could have breakfast with his mum/you could all go out together and both be spoilt. Do you not visit your mum on Mother's Day?

I hope whenever your husband loses his mum in years to come he doesn't regret not giving her a couple of hours on Mother's Day.

But this means mothers of young children don’t get their rest. They have to get up and get their children ready and then look after them, usually in a non child friendly environment.
Plus have you tried eating out on Mother’s Day. Restaurants, pubs etc are jam packed and service is slow. Your idea seems more about the oldies

I get how you feel.
My dh has three sisters and they all rally round and make plans weeks in advance about taking mil out and the day is dictated to and it does my head in.
I go and see my mum to hand in presents, stay for coffee...jack shit time for me to enjoy what I wanna do.

Absolutely heartbroken really? My son lives over 209 miles away. My mother lives the same distance away in a different direction. I don't see them on Mother's Day. Do you feel the same about every date, manufactured or otherwise?

@WaddleAway Of course not. But once your children grow up and have children of their own they become the primary carers in the family. If Grandparents lives nearby and you enjoy spending time together then Mothering Sunday is a great excuse for a family get together, but if there is a strained relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law then it is not the day to meet up. And lets me honest, I don't think many adults, whether parents themselves or not, travel the length and breadth of the country for Mothering Sunday every year. A card, maybe some flowers or chocolates and a phone call is the norm.

Seriously, I can't believe that so many mothers on Mumsnet will be happy to be ignored on Mothers Day in a couple of decades, because they're no longer of any importance to their adult children.
They'll clearly be happy to just be grandmothers who should know their place, because they've had their time in the sun and they're not mothers any more. They'll treat themselves to a cup of tea and a digestive, alone in front of the TV (which tells them every five minutes that it's Mothers Day) as if it's any other Sunday, and be perfectly content.

Somehow I dont think that's actually going to happen

It doesn’t mean that in my family. If we go out together everyone pitches in. My DH will take responsibility of the children during the meal so that I can sit and eat/drink/chill. He’s also capable of getting them dressed and ready, and does so readily.

So when your kids have their own kids, you'll be happy to never see them on Mother's Day?

I would rather be with all the mothers in my family - old and young - to share a happy memory together. That doesn't seem like work for me.

@luckylavender

Your son lives away therefore it's not a 'choice'. It's a geographical fact that he's too far away.

Manufactured dates or otherwise - yeah, I do appreciate them a little more. I had pancreatic cancer when I was 27 and my son was 1, daughter 3 months old. In our house we take every opportunity to celebrate what we can, Mother's Day included as I'm particularly grateful that I'm still here to be one. My kids don't know I've had cancer and I don't plan on telling them; we are grateful for each day, even the 'manufactured' ones, but our outlook is a lot less cynical than to call them that.

And lets me honest, I don't think many adults, whether parents themselves or not, travel the length and breadth of the country for Mothering Sunday every year.

Is anyone suggesting travelling the length and breadth of the country?

Of course if (like us) you have/had mothers that live two and three hours away, you can't see everyone, or even one of them, maybe. But if they're within reasonable distance, then surely you'd pop by?

Your dh excludes his mother every year? That is very hurtful. I think your attitude is very selfish! You aren't the only mother!

Either invite her along or split the day.

@saraclara that is exactly what the preceding sentence said.

@CurlyGirlMumma When my son has kids I will send their mother something for Mothering Sunday.