DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

It completely depends on what works for you. I live in a large 3 storey and have always hated being on the top floor as I worry if there is a fire and my children are on the floor below etc what could happen

It sound to me as though he wants to opt out of family life! Perhaps you need to remind him that he's no longer single, he's a dad and he doesn't get to pretend he's not.

He is crazy and selfish.

We have a three story house. Top floor is for guests/storage. Like the poster above, I want to be on the same floor as my children (who are currently very young) My DH also has an office in the house (downstairs) and I absolutely go in there (quietly) when he’s working if I need something. He works from MY home, I don’t live in his office! Some compromise may be needed here I think.

I wouldn’t be happy with this set up either, but I also wouldn’t be happy not sleeping on the same floor as my children - not sure what the solution is to be honest beyond choosing another house but appreciate that might not be practical.

It is not unreasonable of you to want to have a bedroom that is big enough for a bedside table, and that fits your clothes in, where you can get ready. It isn't unreasonable of you not to want to get dressed in his office/gym.

Would he be happy if you suggested that the top floor was to be yours as a yoga studio/sewing room? Don't think so.

This would be a hard nope from me.

Not sure about it being a space just for him, but I wouldn’t sleep on the top floor and leave two young children to sleep in the middle, personally. This is what puts me off three-storey houses, we wouldn’t get use of the top floor master.

I can see his reasoning - It’s a nice idea in dreamworld (for him), but it’s not what the reality should be. There are two of you; one doesn’t get the ‘best’ option for themselves, you both need something that works equally.

Let him have that room as long as he sleeps there as well. All his shit lives there with him also. You take the second biggest as your room.

I get he needs quiet to work from home if young children are around, but his office can be up there in a multi purpose room when he is notcworking can be used for other things

I too would not be on another level to young children with sleeping

I would not be happy about this at all. Nice setup for your dh though🙄

Give him the boxy room as his office and move upstairs. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Whilst I agree that it doesn't seem fair and it's rubbish that you wouldn't get a dressing table etc, it's not v practical to be on a different floor to the kids until they're significantly older. Bad dreams, vomiting bugs, bed wetting, falling out of bed etc will all be so much harder with a flight of stairs between you. How far I to the buying process are you?

Would he be happy if you suggested that the top floor was to be yours as a yoga studio/sewing room? Don't think so.

Exactly. all you need to do in this scenario OP is switch it around. it sounds unfair when you put it like that, no?

if he still insists, you need to ask him to figure out where YOUR space is. Is he planning on moving out 6 months of the year to transform it into your space?

when is your turn?

he won't have an answer to that beacause he's being so unreasonable (selfish).

He is being ridiculous. Of course the master bedroom with the nice en-suite is not an office space! We live in a very similar sounding house to yours although we only have two bedrooms on the first floor, and there is NO WAY i would consider allowing my lovely top floor master bedroom to become a man cave. You are absolutely right about needing your own space for your own well-being. I understand the PP who said they were afraid of fire, but with modern builds, fireproof materials, functioning smoke alarms, etc, thats not enough of a concern to force you to sacrifice your bedroom - and anyway, thats not even your DH's argument!

I would be putting my foot down here. You are equal partners in the relationship, it means a lot to you to have a nice bedroom with room for a dressing table , and it is perfectly possible to have his office and workout stuff in the other bedroom downstairs.

I also agree that it's totally unreasonable to sacrifice your day to day quality of life for the very occasional overnight guest!

I'd bloody love the top room to myself. But it's not happening because it isn't fair! Obviously. Pretty sure it's obvious to him aswell but the idea of being able to hide away from the kids is a huge draw for most men.

What happens when you go back to work? Do you also WFH? If so then I can see it makes sense to have an office floor for BOTH of you which can be separated from family life. But not a batchelor pad, that's ridiculous.

This is a tough one as I would want to be on same floor as young DC as worried I wouldn't hear them in the night/they would fall climbing stairs to me. But get why you want to use the main bedroom as the main bedroom.

I also get if you WFH all the time to have a dedicated quiet space would be ideal.

Is there anything you can do to limit interruptions if he has office on middle floor?

I think it sounds like a fine setup. People need a relaxing space to work and hang out. The only question is where will your office/dressing room/workout studio with an ensuite be?

You're not attacking him at all, that's a ridiculous thing to say. Having a whole floor to himself - greedy. If he had a practical idea of splitting the space so you could both benefit, that would be different, but he's literally want to hog the whole floor!

I think both of your wants are reasonable so compromise is in order, and splitting the master room.

If he is working at home all day (presumably in a job where being constantly distracted by very young children/crying is not ideal) then it's kind of nuts for him to be next to all that while there is a completely empty room upstairs all day. I think he's right on that.

But you are also right that it's not nice to have a poky bedroom for relaxing in when there is an empty room upstairs all night.

So my compromise would be that half the upstairs room is his office space from 9-5 when he is working. The other half is a relaxing den kind of space with the couch and whatever else you personally like, and you get a solid chunk of time to relax there when he is done working, a bit of sanctuary time.

This also solves the issue of sleeping on a different floor to very young kids, which I also would not like that much.

I had a reply all ready but this nails it.

The reality is even if you store clothes there it will become his space and you’ll be knocking to ask permission to come in and get shoes or change a belt, have to put away washing on his schedule, etc. You need a bedroom that works for you and that takes priority over wfh home space – homes are homes first and foremost and the home office has to come last in the league tables, I think. I say this as someone who WFH! Both DP and I have a top floor office and he definitely uses his as a secret squirrel opt-out space – he’d do it even more so if he had a comfy set-up with a bed.

I think you are both being unreasonable

you’re talking about having to go all the way to his office for a dresser
but if you put your bedroom in that room that’s exactly where your dresser will be anyway
Then you’re saying the other rooms are too cramped for wardrobes, which surely can’t be the case. Unless you’re saying that you’re buying a 4 bed house and 3 of the bedrooms can’t house a bed and clothes? I doubt it.

I think it makes total sense for his office to be out the way of the kids and the rest of the living space. With young children who may get up in the night I’d also rather sleep on the same floor as them personally.
but equally I agree it doesn’t seem fair that he gets a floor to himself.

your issue really seems to be that he’s getting something that you’re not getting. Which is his own space and time to be himself away from being a parent.
so you need to figure out how you can have that too. If the only or best way is for that room to be a bedroom then fine that’s it. But if there’s another way that may be good for you.

realistically if your concern is that he will stay up there and not help you, then that indicates he’s that sort of parent and partner. So you’re unlikely to get much free time to use that big bedroom to relax in anyway.

I slept on the top floor with 2 young kids below. It was fine. I had a gate on the top of the stairs going down so they couldn't get downstairs without me knowing. They could access my room easily and you can always use a monitor as well if needed. If anything it was helpful to be able to separate them by floor if one was ill and not disturb the other.

Would he be happy if you suggested that the top floor was to be yours as a yoga studio/sewing room? Don't think so.

Sorry but this is a ridiculous comparison. He's working! Not hobbying.

YANBU - what is the point of having a large master with an en suite if you are not using it as your main bedroom! I love having an en suite, as when I get up for the loo in the night I don't have to worry about being naked etc. I wouldn't make the argument about your space versus his space - it's all too emtionally charged. Just tell him you plan on using the master bedroom as it is intended - I.e. you are going to sleep there, keep your clothes and dressing table there. If he also wants to work up there, that's his look out. If he wants a separate office room he can take one of the others.