DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

You can't have 2 babies/toddlers sleeping on a floor below you. Crazy talk.

However - you need a decent space and what you do now doesn't have to be forever.

3rd floor room is Spare Room, with office space for half of it. Has to remain a usable room for other people. Children share one room. You have one room as bedroom, third room is your dressing room. You can't traipse up and downstairs to get dressed.

All is reviewed in fixed time period - eg when you go back to work/youngest is 2 whatever - but agree this now.

Is this house a done deal? It doesn't sound like it meets the needs of how you live.

Questions:
> Why did you decide to move? Was it for more bedrooms, or for a dedicated work space? I think this is important.
> Is the biggest bedroom on the middle floor an en-suite (i.e. the original main bedroom)?
> When you both viewed the house, or decided to buy it, what had you assumed was the layout?
> If there’s room in the middle-main bedroom for workout gear, then surely with all that on the top floor then there’s now room for clothes etc in the middle-main bedroom?

Other posters have picked up that opting out of family life would happen regardless of which room is the WFH room. It’s the same argument that says couples with separate bedrooms have sex less. It’s got nothing to do with where things are, it’s about your attitude as a couple and what has become default routine. If your husband is the type to finish work at lurk in his office instead of coming downstairs to join in with the kids, it doesn’t matter if he’s on the top floor or not.

We’re about to be moving to a similar setup – double bedroom in loft conversion on the top floor, and an original double bedroom on the middle floor. The top floor bedroom, as it’s so large, will be a combined craft room and work from home office for one of us, with a futon for guests, and the other person is getting the box room office on the middle floor. Our bedroom will be on the middle floor (but this has an en-suite). Our gym stuff will be downstairs because working out is noisy and we use web workouts which need a telly. It’s a very sensible setup and has all the benefits other people have mentioned about managing noise with kids and wfh, and managing all the late night back and forth of small kids.

Short version:
> Have the bedroom on the top floor if it’s the only en-suite. It is likely that that is why you’ve chosen that house to move to.
> Have the office/gym on the top floor if it’s not the only en-suite. Separating kids from wfh space makes more sense than separating kids from your bedroom. This has the added benefit of having your bedroom as sleep-only – going somewhere else to workout is likely to be helpful.
> Have a separate conversation about expectations for your husband finishing work and being involved in parenting.

...I'm also lurking for @Namechanger355's measurements/diagram/floorplan of the box room spare room office space!

Er, no.

I can see both sides. How about the master can be both your bedroom and his office?

You can't have 2 babies/toddlers sleeping on a floor below you. Crazy talk.

Why?

Overall, our house is not as big as we would like. But DH and I often talk about how if and when we ever have the money to move to a new, bigger house, how hard it will be to give up our beautiful, big, light, airy loft bedroom. The privacy of being on our own floor, the space, the only "adult only" space in the house... it really makes a huge difference to our overall happiness and comfort.

We moved up here when DD was a baby and it's never been a problem being on different floors.

And now that the DC are a bit older - 12 and 8 - I love that if they have friends over I can just escape upstairs to get away, shower/bath in peace etc (we have a "no children who aren't directly related to us are allowed to the loft floor" rule. Only time that rule is relaxed is any children who are sleeping over are told they can come up to us if they need to in the night, obviously).

Your DH might, at best, have good intention but he's being a knob. He can use a bedroom downstairs as his office with the door closed.

If he is working from home then his work time is work time- so the room is irrelevant here. You cannot expect him to be parenting during the time he is working. I’m not sure the his space/my space argument is applicable here.
Master bedroom sounds a good size for your needs, however, you need to keep in mind that your other young child will often need tended to during the night. Personally, a home office should be the smallest bedroom in my opinion. Is there space in the toddlers bedroom for a double bed for when he is sick and needs nighttime care?

So basically, he wants a batchelor flat?

Yep bedrooms on different floors is perfectly normal - and I’d argue with a newborn in the room with you, you need the biggest room, so the loft.

and the fire arguments don’t make sense to me - surely if you are in the loft you need to go downstairs to get out and collect up dcs on the way, it’s not like you are going to be on the ground floor then have to go up two flights of stairs to collect your kids to get out.

Not safe. Needs not met. Or you are up and down the stairs all night. It's not a good plan. Of course people have managed, but its really not ideal.

Wouldn't we all love our own studio apartment within our home to disappear into.

Usually the box room is the office. Is there a reason he needs so much space?

I think you are both being unreasonable and this house clearly doesn’t work for you as a family.

You also need to separate out your wants from your needs. e.g. you NEED a quiet comfortable space for him to work. He WANTS a gym. You WANT more space for clothes and make up. You should come up with something that accommodates the “needs” first and foremost, and then splits the “wants” equally between you.

You also sound like you are desperate for time away from your children, which is fair enough with two young ones, but I’m not sure trying to segregate the house into “your space” and “the kids space” is the best way to go about it - you are literally trying to distance yourself from your family, as is your husband with his gym.

No, you are not attacking him. He is using the word 'attacking' to make you question yourself and back down so he can get his own way.

This.

It will inevitably become HIS space and I could well imagine a kettle and mini fridge finding it's way up there for practicalities.

The sofa bed is perfect for a work/snooze🙄 whenever he wants to get away.

I would not tolerate this for a minute.

You will be staff on your own with the children.

For such a nice man🙄, I would be thinking his mask is slipping and you need to put him straight.

If he wants to separate he should be honest about it would be my answer.

I hope you are returning to work, if you are a SAHM, I would be rethinking that.

I also would be seriously rethinking this move, which appears to be about HIS comfort.

No way, it’s a family home first and foremost. Incredibly selfish for him to want to claim a whole floor to himself and attack you for wanting to discuss it. There are other ways to create quiet and peace during his working hours, and to be honest it’s understood that working from home comes with life noises, whether that’s a young family’s kids or a home of those whose kids have flown the nest but dogs come in. His expectations for his home office and gym being completely separate from his wife and his kids are unreasonable. For those saying he “needs” a quiet space for work, most people are dealing with street noise, neighbour noise etc - a third floor alone space is completely over the top.

i agree with the poster that he’s trying to opt out of family life and this is the beginning of a more troublesome behaviour.

The first two are assertions with no evidence to support them.

What's the degree of increased risk, assuming an integrated, mains-wired fire system and appropriate safety measures?

What needs aren't being met?

It's been great for us. Very happy to trade off a minuscule risk profile if it even exists - and in fact our current set up is probably safer as we don't have one of the kids immediately above the kitchen, and the likelihood is that if we were on the first floor a fire would be just as likely to cut two bedrooms off from the box room, the way the house is wired and the biggest risk areas are situated.

Or is it really actually an argument about ten seconds on the stairs... like I said. They're stairs, not the Matterhorn.

But the alternative would mean you're on a different floor from your baby and toddler? Unless you all sleep in the same room?

My friend has multiple teenagers and being on the same floor with just a wall between her and the teens has hampered her evening sex life so much

that private floor will guarantee privacy for a good shag as the kids age.

also as the kids age will they fight for who gets the best room who will have the box room? Will you give them the master room if they’re the same sex?

if you’ve got two boys bleugh that family bathroom would be grim as fuck and I’d love an adults only bathroom.

i agree having to go upstairs to get dressed is a ridiculous idea.

sleeping on a separate floor to kids isn’t a problem, proper screw fitted high stair gates, baby monitor etc is fine.

I'm with your DH.

I prefer to be on the same floor as my kids so our 'master suite' is the home office, guest bedroom and storage. It works for us. DH WFH permanently and it means I don't have to worry about the kids making noise if he's working when they're home.

But my kids were horrific sleepers and neither DH or I fancied multiple trips up and down the stairs!

As I said, of course people have managed. But I wouldn't plan it. My opinion, you won't change it.

You DO NOT want to have guests in the top room with the en suite.

The reason for this is that you want your guests to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Surely the box room is made into an office.

If I was your husband I'd love a man cave with an en suite and a gym, but I wouldn't because, well family.

The children disturbing him point is a red herring. A toddler and baby will surely be downstairs with you all day, not in their bedrooms (unless napping maybe).

Sleeping on a different floor from DC, well it depends how they sleep. Newborn is presumably in with you anyway- another reason why master bedroom needs to be large. If you are up and down a lot with the toddler then yes it will be a pain having them on another floor, but that is balanced by having extra space in your bedroom for newborn and related stuff to fit in and still comfortably walk around.

I would use the top room as master personally.

You guys definitely need to have the master bedroom. As you said, your comfort comes over guests who are there a few nights a year. My brother and his wife have done this and I think their totally bonkers. Their kids even have to share a room, just so they can host guest for a maximum of 10 weeks over the year 🙄 🙄 If your husband is desperate for a workout area then could you put up a summerhouse in the backyard for his stuff? There’s some fab videos on YouTube showing how people have done it fairly cheaply.

I can see his point, but he also does sound like he's being selfish.

Remember though, whatever decision is made it doesn't have to be forever.

Personally, and this is just what I'd do, I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping on a different (upper) floor while the kids are little. I wouldn't mind sleeping lower than them. So I'd either made the master the kids room for a few years...they can share, space for all their stuff. And then swap when they're a bit older. That leaves small room as office, one room for you and a spare for guests/working out. Or, agree to his plan for a limited time - to reconsider each year, maybe once the kids arent so disruptive. But...never just space for him. Put your dressing table up there, and when you're using it (regularly) he's watching the kids and it's your escape

Sure, and you're entitled to it. I just wondered whether there was any factual basis to your assertions around it not being safe or kids' needs not being met.

If it's just your own gut feeling about it, but without any real basis, great to have that cleared up.

For us, the alternative would have been 'managing' but not ideal.