DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

Same - we’ve been on different floors since the kids were 3 and 1 and never had a problem.

Have you bought this house akready? IT doesn't seem a sensible layout with a young family.
As I wouldn't want to be sleeping on a floor above my children, his idea is actually most sensible even though it is absolutely lovely for him and shit for you.
Which is why I'd never buy a hoise with such a layout.

I can see both sides re: you not wanting him to opt out of family life and him needing office space that is out of the way so he can concentrate.

However, I definitely wouldn’t sleep on a separate floor to my children and they’re 6 and 10. Maybe 3 floor living isn’t for you if the floor plans don’t work? Perhaps rethink your move, something with an outhouse or garage conversion?

I would love to have my husbands home office on a different floor to my kids noise !

I also wouldn’t want to sleep on a different floor to my children - one of mine didn’t sleep through till 4.5 though , also children are not generally woken up by fire alarms

Newborns don’t stay newborn for long - within 2 years you are going to want your dcs to have space in their rooms. If the plan long term is for the dcs to share, then they should have the big loft room.

more logically, you have the loft room, the dcs have a double room each (albeit the newborn doesn’t need it yet, but will in a short time), the box room becomes the home office.

you have 3 double bedrooms and a box, you have 2 dcs, they get a nice room each you get the best, the spare room can be either an office or a guest room.

if your DH can’t work from home with 2 preschoolers, he needs to find an office space he can rent or go to the office.

I work in our loft because I much prefer the separation of that space from the rest of the house. It's also our guest room so means that everything here isn't affected by day to day life in the house.

I think his idea is a positive but for different reasons. With young children I wouldn’t want to be up and down the stairs. Also would want to be in the same floor. Eventually when they are older I would use the top floor as a bedroom. Or choose a different house.

Don't overcomplicate this - next time you speak about this with him just say "I've been having a think about the new house and there won't be room for us on the first floor so we'll need the attic bedroom." When he argues just repeat that there won't be room (you can remind him of things like wardrobes, chests of drawers, crib for the baby, dressing table that you've bought etc).

If he kicks off, ask why he's attacking you.

You're clearly in the right on this, not only logistically in terms of where things fit in the house, but also emotionally. You know your husband and if you think he'll use the top floor as his version of an overgrown teenager's bedroom with sofa, snacks, toilet, shower, weights etc, you're probably right.

And if he says the first floor will be too noisy, generously offer to let him use the top bedroom for the odd importantly quiet meeting, as the rest of us have to.

If the office brings in the $ would that make it priority ?

I kind of think it's a good idea.
It's important to separate home life and work life and if someone is working from home being in an (almost separate) place from the rest of the family keeps the work part of the day as being 'at work'.
However...come clocking off time (ie 5pm) it becomes a shared space. That would be the rule.
As for your bedroom. How many clothes do you have? You could have a small wardrobe for stuff you wear regularly. Under the bed storage for other clothes plus a space in the top floor room for seasonal stuff when you aren't using it.
I've never had a dressing table (neither did my mum) - have never missed having one.

We live in a 3 storey house and use what should be the master bedroom as living space - it is on the first floor though, with all other bedrooms on the second floor. Dh and I sleep in the smallest bedroom (we still have a superking bed, but it does take up a lot of the space - only room for a wardrobe and bedside table). I like it - it is cosy. I also like the extra living space we have gained from doing this - now our dc are teens the ability to 'break out' into different rooms is really cool - we have a little snug and a big kitchen/diner/family space too - two of these spaces have televisions and two don't. We do also have a separate study, but it is very small. We only use bedrooms for sleeping. I do my make up in the bathroom.

You don't say what your living space is like downstairs - can you carve some space out there? I spend loads of time in our snug - that's my peaceful space. Writing this has made me realise that I do value feeling cosy - I like the little bedroom and the smallest reception room!

, also children are not generally woken up by fire alarms

That's why you should have interconnected smoke alarms - one goes off, all do - it's a good idea even if you're on the same floor.

Also the acoustics of houses vary - we can actually hear the kid in one room better not worse from the floor above

I actually think his plan makes perfect sense.

He needs peace and quiet to work and this way his WfH won't impact on normal family life in the main house below. I also wouldn't want to be sleeping on a separate floor from little children.

What I would do is have the top floor as he suggests, the children sharing a middle floor room, you & DH have a bedroom on the middle floor, and the box room becomes your shared dressing room (in which you can have the dressing table you so desire.)

This is on the condition that the situation is reviewed and rooms swapped around once the children are old enough to need their own rooms, at which point it may well make sense for you and DH to have the master, and the children to have the 2 larger middle floor rooms. The box could then become the office (as the children will be at school by then, the need for the office to be located away from the main living area won't be so great).

A quiet space in a house with two small children = a room to oneself. Not a floor to oneself when that space is the only viable bedroom for the couple who both live in the house.

I didn't want to be in a different floor to my kids at that age so I'd probably take the hit with the standard bedroom, however this would be transient as I'd want to move upstairs once the children were older. After that he can have the box room as the study, gym stuff goes into garage.
But that's just me!

This is also a good idea

Make most of the room your bedroom but get a pretty room divider of some kind and put his desk on the other side

Then one of the 1st floor rooms can be for working out/guest bed

This thread isn’t asking for opinions on sleeping on different floors - assuming they’ve bought a three storey house with a master on the third floor the OP is clearly comfortable with that as an option and like a PP has said, when you have interlinking detectors, there is very little prospect of anyone not being woken by them!

OP your DH is being selfish but I do wonder how his timing to bring up this living arrangement has aligned with the purchase of said house - has he waited until you’ve exchanged and completed before he’s put this to you?

I personally wouldn’t have small children on a different floor. Seems a strange choice to make.

This is a really good idea. You could have a lovely comfy chair, nice lighting, all your clothes and a dressing table in the box room. A room just for you. Why not?

I'm thinking back to when we had this setup with a newborn.

He was in with us until he was about 7/8 months old and then moved downstairs into his room. We had a baby monitor but tbh could hear him if he woke anyway. We had a sofa bed in one of the kids' rooms for illness purposes but tbh it has rarely been used - used it more often when DH was unwell or on the rare occasion he was snoring off a few too many pints tbh.

If they woke in the night, we heard, we were with them quickly. It probably took an extra ten seconds, tops, on top of how long it would have taken to get between rooms on the same floor? They're stairs, not the Matterhorn.

He sounds like a selfish knob. I’d give him the smallest bedroom for an office or the garage and he can work out at the gym or the garage. YADNBU. While the kids are little you might want to be on the same floor as them or to have the option of sleeping close by if ill but ultimately you want the main bedroom.

My SIL (no kids) lived in a TH with her partner for a short time it sounded good in theory but it wasn’t practical with guests or people visiting for the day (as none of the rooms really felt big enough to accommodate everyone comfortably at the same time). She soon moved.

And I am one for whom space is really important - our current bedroom is so good for my mental health as it's light and airy and doesn't have the claustrophobic feeling of a smaller room with too much furniture for the space (which is what we had when we were downstairs before we converted the loft.) So I get OP not wanting to feel crammed into a space when there's a much bigger space available.

This is the most ridiculous piss take ever. Of course he doesn't get to have his own floor while you are in the 'wife n kids' zone. It's not 1950. What is wrong with him?

We have the exact same set up right now. Your Matterhorn comment has made me lol 😂

this Sounds really unfair to you OP. I was a bit concerned when we moved into a house similar to how you describe yours. Whilst the DC were little we slept with all the bedroom doors open so we could hear them in the night (after the baby monitor broke and we never got around to replacing it). We could hear them if they woke or were ill (I ended up partially co-sleeping in DC2 room for a while due to habit after with me being the only place they’d sleep) but it was so much better to have our own space upstairs which was child-free. The small room can be the office and if it’s anything like ours there’s plenty of space for working out in the master. Works for body pump and combat for me!