DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

The problem seems to be that the master bedroom on the middle floor isn't big enough. So, one assumes, OP and her DH chose this house based on certain assumptions, not least of which was that they would have a decent sized bedroom with sufficient space for a dressing table, clothes etc. And now suddenly, that's not the case because the DH has made a new decision and expects everyone to comply. On this basis, this entire house is wrong for them - he wants more space to work/workout and she wants more space for a bedroom.

These are not the actions of a nice man.

You need to wise up.

I bet he is being selfish elsewhere and you just don’t see it.

I wouldn't want to be two floors up from my young children. Especially with a baby if they are in they're own room.

YANBU - He is BU. This is your home first and foremost. That should take precedence.
If he wants to work from home, he goes in wherever space is available or goes to the office.
And WTF with you "attacking" him? How old is he, 15?

He should use one of the bedrooms on the first floor as an office space. He shouldn't be taking over the entire top floor for himself. It just sounds like he wants to completely separate himself from family life.
It'll be a man cave in no time and he'll be constantly there, just appearing from time to time downstairs to get fed and get his laundry done.
He'll be sleeping up there too when he decides he's too tired because the baby was awake in the night once too often.
No, not on.

This!

It's a bit concerning that he interprets you expressing your wants and needs and not just rolling over and accepting what he wants as "attacking@ him.

Has he got form for this type of shit?

Do you struggle with basic functions in every day life? My children sleep on the floor above, they are literally 12 steps above my head, on what logic is this not safe? I think you are applying your own experience of a house here, ours is a big old house with a quickly layout, the closest option is up, not across. I can’t really get over how many people on this post would struggle to climb a flight of stairs a few times over a 24 hour period, it’s crazy.

It's not two floors up. It's one floor up.

Also, I notice that none of the DH's arguments are about being closer to the DC at night. In fact, I fully expect that if OP agrees to this, before long, DH will be sleeping upstairs on the sleeper couch so that he doesn't get disturbed by the baby in the night.

I think the thing is the family's needs will change over time. What you don't want is a situation where he is totally ensconced with all his paraphenalia, and one of the kids at 12 has to have a box room and their stuff is everywhere downstairs.

His proposal might work time limited to give him quiet working space and be practical whilst kids are little (and they can share).

TBH also as with all these things you need to live in it first to know what will work. YANBU at all to want and need a quiet space to yourself.

Doesn’t sound like it is the right house for you if only one bedroom is big enough to be a bedroom.

But if you are stuck with it then do some analysis on what your needs are as a family in the short term and the long term. Then allocate bedrooms according to those needs. There are some things that can be compromised on and some that cannot.

You also seem resentful of your roles during working hours. If being a SAHP isn’t for you then return to work. You can’t both parent during working hours.

We gave up our lovely top floor bedroom to be on the same (middle) floor as our children - I couldn't bare the thought of anything happening and us being on a different floor. It is now a room for clothes and an office space. We will revisit the idea of a top floor quiet room when the kids are older. Although by then I suspect the eldest will have "called dibs"

You can't have 2 babies/toddlers sleeping on a floor below you. Crazy talk.

I wouldn’t say it’s crazy. It’s no different to putting your kids up to bed at 7pm than sitting downstairs watching telly and chilling until 11. It is just a flight of stairs. If it’s safe to put them upstairs while you’re one floor down it’s equally safe to sleep up some stairs.

That would be a no.

Bloody hell, it infuriates me that DS uses our bathroom - and spends hours in there - there's not a chance in hell I'd be giving him the nicest and biggest bedroom in the house.

No I would not be happy with that. Why does his desire to have a separate working space away from the normal family noise trump your wish to use the master suite as it was intended. Forget the guests stuff as that should be very low priority. I would say he has to use one of the middle floor bedrooms (box room should do) as an office and the top floor is your bedroom and workout space.

i Think with young kids you need to all sleep on the same floor. However as they get older less so. I would agree to the top floor being office/ guest room for now, but when the kids are big enough it then becomes your bedroom. I would also say that you are allowed access to it if you need some quite time at the weekend etc to sit a chill out, read a book etc.

It doesn’t work for you, OP. That’s it really.

Nobody is saying he can’t have his own room but unilaterally deciding he needs the biggest for very spurious reasons is ridiculous. You need somewhere to put clothes/ get dressed. He doesn’t need to be on the top floor over being on the middle floor.

I really don’t understand all this ridiculous need to be on the same floor nonsense. OP would be 12 additional steps away. In fact with DS most of the night trips to him have occurred when I’ve been downstairs watching tv and that has never been an issue. It’s a strange issue (and not even a mentioned concern from the OP) that PPs have latched on.

dh is being petulant and selfish.
The office should be the box room.
Put a cot in the master bedroom for now - and monitor for older child.
Enjoy your dressing room and table! Goodness it’s not much to ask for!!

That's the problem with these houses, I think they're not great. I agree with pp that you will need to sleep on the same floor as very young children. You don't want to be up and down stairs in the night. I find it improbable that you can't talk or laugh in a bedroom on the same floor without disturbing the children. How about you have the box room as your dressing room/quiet space? The children can share another room for a few years.

Definitely this.

I'd split the master bedroom, two smaller kids rooms.
Then he can have the box room for his office, and you combine the two other bedrooms into one decent sized master bedroom

I've always thought if I end up with an attic room that it would be my office, but I don't have a DH to consider.

In your situation If that room is by far the nicest bedroom I'd want it as a shared space.

However is it really the nicest bedroom? Does it have proper windows with a view or are they skylight Windows? I'd want to be able to have a view from sitting in bed.

I agree with PP that at the moment with young children I wouldn't want to be sleeping on a different floor to them. It kind of makes sense to me to have the family sleeping on the same floor and then its your own space still if guests will sleep in the attic room.

The only things I would insist on are that you have use of that ensuite when you don't have guests. It is not purely the office ensuite or guest ensuite, it's the second bathroom for the whole family.

And if there's room for office plus workout space will you be sharing the workout space? If there's a sofa in there it could also be a chill out space for you.

I agree that it feels uncomfortable if your DH will be working in there all day and then retreat there in evenings/weekends to work out or chill out. If anything if it's seriously his office that's all it should be so that he can shut the door on work at 6pm every evening...

I just can't get over one half of a couple accusing the other of 'attacking' them when they are merely presenting their differing views (which are entirely valid, as valid as his are!) which is to be expected in life from time to time.
How over-dramatic and a good way to shut you down!

New house needs to be used in a way that meets the needs of all the occupants as fairly as possible. The topic is discussed, proposals and suggestions are made. Each person listens to the other, and their reasons are respectfully considered without any assumptions or closing down of the conversation. The various interests are weighed up and a balance is found...
This is normal adult discussion. When it happens this way, no-one needs to get intense because guess what, you're not feeling like your voice isn't being heard!
It's not hard and no-one is attacking anyone.
I think your DH is a closet selfish arse.

We rejected houses laid out like yours, sleeping on a different floor to small children doesn't work, what if they wake in the night? What if there's a fire? When we contemplated buying one of these houses we thought about the issue and considered sleeping on the middle floor for safety, moving into the master once the youngest is about 5.

Your setup I'd sleep on the middle floor, baby will be in your room until 1, toddler in other room. Small room use as a dressing room/wardrobe. Once the youngest is 1 move them into the toddler's room, have them room share a few years until the youngest is 5 or so, then switch and you move into the master, second child moves into the other room (which is currently yours), dad eventually takes the box as his office.

I don't get your whole wanting to be away from your kids, this whole sanctuary thing? Why can't you have that on the same floor your kids sleep on? As long as your room fits the bed, 2 small side tables and the crib it doesn't need to fit anything else. I wfh, I'd always opt to have my office in the quietest room tucked away, loft room is ideal. I can see why your husband is thinking it's a good idea when you have small children.

I can see both views - is there a middle ground? Can you both plan a lovely office come second living room on the top floor, that has details he wants for work and touches you need for sanctuary, and you agree that you can both have time out up there whenever works for you both?