DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

Fuck it I've been doing this all wrong. I'm by far the main breadwinner, I could have kicked DH out of the box room office and had that space for myself all this time!?

Silly me. I took the needs and wants and preferences of the whole family into account rather than brandishing my superior earning power to get all the best things for myself.

I feel hard done by that I didn't get a bigger room when I got promoted.

Same, I'm the main earner but let my partner use the spare room as his home office because his work base is much further away, rather than setting it up as my "woman cave" oo-err. We are clearly mugs and deserve extra rooms to ourselves.

Sorry but he is being ridiculous and selfish. Absolute no no.

If he is earning so much man money that he needs the best part of the house to himself he should spend more of it buying a bigger house

Bollocks to that! His plan, that is. He’s ridiculously selfish. Yes he wants the room to work, but he could do that in a much smaller room. Gym equipment is not a necessity that takes over the best bedroom. I’ve heard everything now

Of course you have that room as a bedroom - a place you can both relax after a long day. Gates on the stairs and a baby monitor. Sorted.

Ooooh this has made me cross on your behalf.

(Ps I have no skin in this game as your circumstances are totally different to mine)

I get both your points. I think my compromise would be that it's the master bedroom/office, and the other smaller room guestroom/gym? That way, during the day he's less disturbed when working, and the rest of the time you both benefit

I am so confused about why this wasn’t discussed when you were looking at the house.

Personally, his idea would have worked for me when my kids were younger. I wouldn’t slept a floor above them. I have lived in a couple of new builds and always refused to have one with one bedroom on the top floor. But if it had to be this house, I would have gone with his plan.

And your set up would work for me now, using the smaller room as an office. My kids are an adult and teen. I am not that fussed about sleep on the same floor anymore. But when they were younger, I wouldn’t have been up and down the stairs to 2 young kids.

From my point of view, this house doesn’t meet your needs. And that’s the issue. But if you don’t mind the stairs between you and the kids, it may work for you. In which case, you are going to have a proper conversation about this and find a way to resolve it.

Is it big enough to be your bedroom AND a work space for him and use the spare as a home gym?

I wouldn't like to be on a different floor to my dad when they're so young but I suppose the newborn would be in your room for at least the first 6 months. Dd2 lives in a two storey flat and there are 2 beds downstairs and a large master suite upstairs next to the open plan lounge kitchen diner. The 2 bedrooms are next to the front door. Her ds is 9 months old and he is downstairs and they are up. Her dh also uses their ds's room as an office. If I were them I'd move into the other room and have the master as office etc.

If you are the main breadwinner and you work from home then you would have every right to have the box room. If you aren’t or don’t you wouldn’t.

But that's the thing. I am the main breadwinner who mainly works from home, and still I don't think that my needs and wants automatically trump everyone else's, when there's still a reasonable place for me to work and everyone else's needs and preferences can also be taken into account.

Its because I'm not a selfish twat who thinks that my financial contribution outweighs everyone else's contributions and importance, you see.

While I think the dhs plan is best. I don’t think it’s based on being the bread winner.

I am the main wage earner here. Dp doesn’t even own half the house, only me. But it’s OUR home. I don’t think me earning more entitles me to anything extra.

It’s not about comparing contributions. It’s about making money. Does the family’s financial security rely on the husband’s working well out of his home office? If it does then he should have a decent place to work. Noise-free and child-free seem like basic requirements. The OP doesn’t seem to think these things contributing to the family’s financial security matter as much as bedside tables or wardrobe space. (I would be the first one to say, BTW, that if he wants the upstairs room for an “exercise space” I would tell him to bugger off in no uncertain terms.)

I think it should be about the most efficient use of the available space at the moment rather than who is getting a 'perceived' better deal.

With small children being a flight of stairs up from them is not exactly the most practical, IMHO of course, but each to their own. Are you using gym equipment as well? If so, that could be the perfect way for you to escape all the way to the top floor, rather then having to supervise toddlers attempting to lifts weights or use a treadmill.

The set up can always be changed when the children get older.

How much clash is there between working noise/ family noise? I'd have loved DH to be two floors above the living room when he WFH and the acoustics of the house carried the bloody noise of his constant calls all over the bloody house from the centrally placed spare bedroom.

Having clothes scattered in different rooms is a PITA. Storing them in one room is much easier, but it doesn't necessarily have to be the room you sleep in.

Is it actually the most practical way to arrange living in a workplace, or is he the type to use it to shirk family life?

My house has this exact layout. We have the master bedroom as mine and DH's bedroom, obviously. The kids share the next biggest room. The next biggest room is the playroom. Box room is my office / craft room. I love my little office, it's warm and cosy.

Boxroom and noise cancelling headphones give him a decent workspace, surely?

Not everyone who WFH gets a whole floor in splendid isolation.

Utterly selfish. We have a similar layout. When the loft was built my partner tried suggesting something similar and I laughed him out of the room. Because it is utterly ludicrous.

Exactly. Surely there needs to be a balance and it should be the thing most beneficial to the family not just him. I wonder at those pandering to hardworking male earner while happy to forego the rest of the family's needs. Crazy. I work (hard) from home in a single parent household and it is completely possible to do so well without inconveniencing anyone else-and that's without my own office quarters and home gym.

Why would anyone need to tip toe around?! People don’t do that in offices, they can be really noisy places but we’re all expected to cope.

We have a big bedroom. I’m the main earner and work majority from home, I should have made that my study and I could fit my online exercise classes in there too instead of in the living room when children permit/with children sitting on me! Plus my study was the storeroom while we were renovating so I could barely get to the desk even though I was very pregnant and I just put up with it instead of making h sleep there. Note to self, must act more like a mediocre male.

We have a three story house, 3 bedrooms on middle floor and 3 bedrooms on the top floor. Top floor is office, guest bedroom and what the kids call a "chill out room" (empty except for a bit of to-grow-into clothes storage and a butt load of my random toys they've taken up there). The middle floor is where we all sleep. We don't plan to move up to the top floor until the youngest kid is 10 or so...

One benefit to having the office on the top floor away from the living areas of the house is that it stops work from seeping into the rest of you life. The extra flight of stairs somehow gives a sort of liminal moment that divides work and home.

I'm bemused by all the requirements for a 'noise-free' space as a prerequisite for productive work.

Have these people ever visited an actual office?

Can you use baby listeners/video to keep check on children whilst on top floor.
He is being selfish .. remind him he’s not a bachelor any more
I don’t understand why you did not sort this before agreeing to move to this house.