DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

There's a huge difference between a busy office environment and "aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh Henry bit me" and "I'm going to pop on you". Plus other toddler noises.

No one is suggesting that the DH work in the living room, or even in the box room with the door open.

Offices can have just as much disruptive noise - sudden raucous laughter beside your desk, chatter two feet away from you or over the top of you, people calling out to each other, phones ringing, some hit forgetting to plug in his headset before his call - all with a lot less to mitigate it than a being a floor away with the door shut.

Can see both sides.
Personally, I would not want to sleep on a different floor to my children but equally I don't think you keep an ensuite for occasional guests.

This is why senior roles have actual offices, not open plan hell.

Most places I've worked recently only the extremely senior have their own closed off offices.

In my current company, only the CEO is closed off. The rest of the C-suite incl the COO, CFO etc are open plan with their support teams.

Can really see your point, but echoing what others have said with young children, I don't think I'd happy having them on a seperate floor from me, in case they got up to something and I didn't know. But I also don't agree he should have an entire floor just for him. Could you make it a playroom/ sitting room?

And what @JassyRadlett @Mumsanetta and many, like me, on this thread who actually do the "breadwinner" bit day in and day out is that hogging an entire floor of a house on the excuse of being billy big bollocks is selfish and unnecessary.

Quite apart from the minor detail that unless his company is paying for the purchase and run costs of a third of the house why on earth would they hand over that much property to reduce the employer office costs? Its ridiculous and the real motivation is illustrated by the fact that its actually his work out space with the excuse of calling it his office.

Use the smallest spare room, shut the door, noise cancelling headphones.

Honestly these threads where the contribution of women to the family when they take time out to birth and raise children is rubbished against the contribution of the person working for cash is depressing. Its like third wave feminisim never happened.

Perhaps the OP should ask nicely before she buys a new frock in case big bollocks doesn't approve.

Except for your morning/evening workouts in your gym/rec space. I’d say the stairs delineate alright, they delineate his separate life from the drag of family needs.

As an aside, is it just me who thinks that putting gym equipment on the second floor is asking for cracks to appear in the ceilings?

14 pages in and people are still talking to an op who hasn't come back even once. 😶

That's not a nice way to greet a new poster on their maiden post to MN now, is it?

Come on now, what do we say?

So you haven't worked with a bunch of male engineers then.

@C8H10N4O2 You're missing the context of the thread. It isn't that he's a billy big bollocks god of a breadwinner (we don't even know if that's the case when she's not on mat leave).

Most of the women on this thread (including myself) have said that they wouldn't feel comfortable being on a different floor to two very young children. That means the top floor is essentially a 'spare' room, unless you plan to put one of the very young children up there which would make no sense.

So if the top floor is spare, and the three bedrooms on that floor are taken up by children & parents, and her husband needs somewhere to work, where else would be more suitable? It helps that that floor is separated from the disturbance of the children who are home during working hours, making it the ideal place for his office.

That doesn't mean that the room cannot be used for other things outside of working hours, or that the OP can't make herself a little sanctuary up there too. It also doesn't mean that that would be the situation for ever. As the children get older and attend school/nursery it might feel more appropriate to be on another floor, and the household disturbance wouldn't be there.

If OP doesn't mind being on a different floor to her kids then I suppose you'd look at who's needs were more important. To me, the desire for a dressing table etc doesn't outweigh the need for an appropriate work space. Sitting in a box room for 50+ hours per week wearing noise cancelling headphones would not be an appropriate work space for me, but I accept that it might be for others. We don't know what type of job he has.

It isn't a matter of man vs woman either, if you were in OPs situation I'd be saying the same thing.

You are completely repositioning the OP's post to be about sleeping on a separate floor from the children. The OP doesn't even mention that, the OP is all about his consumption of space and his excuses for taking a third of the house for his personal use.

The context I'm responding to is the line of discussion which talks about him being the "breadwinner" as a justification for hogging a third of the house for personal use.

I'm someone who regularly does a lot more than 50 hours a week and it still would never have occurred to me to monopolise such a large chunk of the house for my personal use leaving the rest of the family to make do with whatever is left.

Its absolutely about men and women because I hear variations on this over and over again where the man is dictating where and how he will work in what is a shared home, whilst women (including plenty on this thread) tend to work out the best overall compromise.

7 pages and the OP is obviously not coming back and people are still bickering.

FWIW, I sleep on a different floor to my two small children and it's never caused a single problem.

You're not attacking him. That's ridiculous. But neither of your requests are ridiculous. I can imagine having an office separate from everything is a good idea. But I can see the argument for keeping it as a master bedroom.

You could be trial each way for a set period of time then discuss the pros and cons.

Are you the nanny?! He wants the master bedroom and en-suite for him? No bloody way!

We sleep on the top floor as we have no choice but it works fine. people forget that parents mental health matters too. We sleep on a different floor from the kids and they are young but that's what a baby monitor is for. They sometimes sleep with us. Claim your space, use the top floor as your bedroom, as everything else will be kid centric. It's not ideal but more than workable.