DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

I'm in the box room as my office - 2.3 x 2.3m.

I have a fold down desk and a sofa bed in here - small double. Plus a set of wardrobe/shelves. Works perfectly as an occasional guest bedroom.

I work out in the garden in all weathers. Rain and frost are an incentive to work hard and get it over with!

No need for him to monopolise an entire floor.

We sleep on a different floor to our young kids and it's absolutely fine. We have monitors and when they were younger stair gates. Interconnected smoke alarms. Never had any of the issues people on here worry about.

I echo the posters above about wanting to be on same floor as the children. We have same layout house and the top floor is storage/office/guest space. We don't work from home though so there is that.

I'm not sure. Surely in your scenario you sleep on a different floor from your children. I don't think that's wise. Also this way he can actually work. Out of your way. And you're not top toeing around with young children.

No-one needs a whole floor including en suite as a home office. There is realistically no reason why he can't use one of the smaller bedrooms and just close the door when he's working.

I don't really understand why one of the bedrooms not he third floor couldn't be an office/workout space? It seems crazy to me to have an entire floor for him. This would only make sense if the main bedroom on the middle floor was very large. We have friends who do have a set up like this - but their 4 bedrooms on the middle floor are ALL spacious and the main bedroom actually even has a walk in cupboard. So using the upstairs room as an office/work outpace is perfect for them and they still have a spare room on the same floor as them and the children. But our house sounds like yours and I wouldn't be happy with the loft being used for one person's work space becuase the original main bedroom, while spacious, isn't THAT big.

I’d let him have it on the understanding that when the children go to primary school it’s converted back to a master bedroom. Plus it’s only office space 9-5 and outside those hours it’s family space including toys/games/yoga mat/whatever

If he works ft from home, presumably you don't see him between 9-5 (whatever his working hours are) anyways so surely it doesn't matter where his office is?

As long as any rest time he isn't working is split between the two of you.

Take the smallest room and make it a space for you - dressing table if you want etc. Kids can go in together in the other larger room once the baby is out of your room.

And yes this!

Being on a different floor when you have young children must be a right pita.
What about when they inevitably wander wanting to get into your bed due to feeling ill/ bad dream etc.
when they're poorly and need you close by?
I don't like the thought of what could happen if burgled or a fire either. Same floor sleeping arrangements for now and move rooms when older?

Likewise! No issues at all. Kids are safe and we get a kid-free sanctuary floor to ourselves. Win win!

Yes this, although I would not say until primary years, just until whenever both kids are in childcare and the house is empty during the day

I don't think he's unreasonable to want to work up there during the day, where he is unreasonable is in demanding that it can only be office space and not anything else at other times

@orchid55 you and your DH have an interesting dynamic. Why does he get to state what he wants and then it’s for you to get through to him or convince him? Try a role reversal and have a go at being the one who states what they want and tell your DH that you’re not convinced by his argument.

Fwiw I absolutely would be resentful that my DH got an entire floor to himself because what space do you then get to yourself? But I also wouldn’t want to be on a separate floor to my DC. Basically means I wouldn’t buy a 3 floor house unless the master suite was on the same floor as the children.

Comfort of guests is a small consideration for me as I live in the house all the year and they visit, at most, a total of a week out of a year.

Different floor to kids has always worked fine for everyone I know that did it (including my own parents) so wouldn't be too worried about that. Why is you expressing an opinion/preference attacking him, but he can make a self centred request and that's not attacking you? Sounds like there's too much discussion/agonising over this simple decision which you both have a say in, and your say is no.

It is not unreasonable of you to want to have a bedroom that is big enough for a bedside table, and that fits your clothes in, where you can get ready. It isn't unreasonable of you not to want to get dressed in his office/gym.
this. Where does he work now? Knock every morning for the next week, come in and say are all your cameras off I have to find clothes and get dressed. It’s just not fair to not have a space for your things.

The room he’s proposing for your bedroom doesn’t sound big enough for your newborn to be in with you?

stand firm and have a decent bedroom. Parents sacrifice too much sometimes. If he’s truly unable to work in one of the other rooms he’ll have to come up with another solution.

We've got a similar layout, and both of us WFH 2-3 days a week. DH has a setup with a couple of monitors etc, mine is much more compact and can be tidied away.

We've had the top floor as our bedroom since DS2 was a baby. It's never been an issue and as the kids get older it's great. The kids each have a double bedroom with plenty of space for their stuff and DH has the box room as his office. It's super clear that our bedroom is primarily our bedroom - if DH is ill or similar, I'll happily move somewhere else to work that day.

All the folk who now WFH who claim they need total peace and quiet to do so - and it's mainly men who do this - have clearly forgotten what working in an office is like.

This is a bit of a ridiculous view. Our children (5&3) are on the third floor, our room is the floor below and honestly how much effort do you think it takes to negate a few steps once in a while?! I don’t think there is really anything in it distance wise between going up and going across a landing to see to them. Providing you are both well adjusted sensible human beings the risk of fire in a domestic property is fairly low and I’d like to think most adults, with or without children, would invest in smoke detectors on each floor of a house regardless.

I never would have felt it to comfortable having my bedroom on a different floor from my young children. My concern would have been night time emergencies or needs; nor would I have wanted my young children to have to troop upstairs during their occasional night needs.' S
I would postpone using the 3rd floor as a bedroom until the kids or older.

For the moment, your husband's plan seems to be the more practical solution. He can work from home in a quiet space, and nothing would prevent you from occasionally sequestering your self in that space when circumstances permit.

The people saying that he is trying to separate himself from the family are not making a sensible argument. If he were leaving the house to go to his office to work, you would not expect him to take the child or children with him. Why then would you not expect the home work
space to not be as quiet and a conducive to getting work done?

I wouldn't be happy with this either, he's presented it as a fait accompli with no discussion. That's not fair.

I used to live in a three-storey with ExH. The master bedroom with ensuite and the kids' room were on both on the top floor, so luckily that worked out fine. However, ExH immediately appropriated the third bedroom on the second floor as his "man cave", for his action figure display cabinets etc 🙄🙄 Again, no discussion.

The kicker was that he was WFH (call centre job, so always on the phone) and instead of setting up his PC etc in his precious man cave, he took over the living room with it. The kids had to be quiet when he was on a call, he dominated the TV, there was just no space for the rest of us to go about our daily lives.

You've got two little kids, you NEED to be able to relax at the end of the day. I totally get what PPs are saying about being on a different floor to the kids, but on balance I'm with you on this one.

Let the kids share and make the smallest room on the first floor a dressing room for you. Attic for working space/spare room works well for us so I can see his point. When the kids are older you can make the top floor your master bedroom and make the smallest toom his office if you still want that.

How unbelievably selfish of him and he's being very unfair shutting down your very reasonable opposing view by labelling it as an attack on him. Of course the master should be your shared bedroom.

Well, quite, it's a few steps not trekking the Inca trail.

It's no different to when the kids wake up when you're downstairs in the evening - which has always been the main time for us anyway.

I wouldn't be happy either OP. I think the master bedroom/en-suite should always be for the couple. Seems such a waste to have it as an office/guest room. He's claiming all that space as his own and doesn't care at all about what you think. He can work perfectly well in a room on the first floor. Just shut the door to block out the noise.
In our last house we had the same set up and had the top floor/loft conversion as our bedroom. Some people tried to say we were bad parents saying "Oh what if there's a fire?" well that's what smoke alarms are for. I'm a very light sleeper and would have woken instantly the second the smoke alarm beeped.

I think its reasonable if you have to work from home to have a quiet space to work away from the kids. It makes sense, you don't want to hear a baby screaming when you are in a meeting.
My bedroom is for sleeping only and then I'm downstairs all day.
I dont sleep in my master bedroom either. It's set up as a temple. I run a pagan group.