DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

Difficult, because I don’t think any of your arguments are unreasonable. But do you really want to be on a separate (higher) floor than your kids while they’re so small? What about risk of fire/burglary?

No help, but it seems you have chosen a difficult house for your current needs, there isn't a big enough bedroom for you and your husband on the second floor where the children would sleep, the third floor is a bit remote from the children (running up and down stairs if there are wakeful nights, etc) and the office doesn't need to be so big or with an ensuite. Is it too late to look for somewhere more practical? But if you are stuck with it, I think you should use the third floor master suite for what it is and husband gets one of the second floor bedrooms as an office. He doesn't need that big a 'man cave.

YANBU at all - I wouldn't want to have to split my clothes etc across my actual bedroom and a second room and I would want to enjoy the ensuite rather than save it for occasional guests! Surely with young kids they are mostly downstairs with you during the day anyway?

The people saying that he is trying to separate himself from the family are not making a sensible argument.
Nope. Fair enough he has a quiet space for the 9-5, but he’s also proposing it as his workout space which is outside the 9-5, and I would bet with the sofa and en suite etc up there he will use it as a complete retreat: OP will be downstairs with two kids in the witching hour thinking “Why hasn’t DH come down from work yet?” and he’ll be clocked off work but lurking in his mancave.

He can perfectly well work in the first floor box room with the door shut; he doesn’t need an en suite and sofa and workout space to do his job.

I want to hear more from OP about how he’s not unreasonable “the vast majority of the time” – which suggests some key occasions he digs his heels in. And also this “attacking” line – does he often spout such bollocks when you’re trying to have a discussion?

How active is he currently in family life? What'd the set up in your existing home?

My response would have been hysterical laughing quickly followed by a firm fuck no.

I don't understand the fire argument either for not being on separate floors? Make sure you have enough fire alarms and if god forbid there's a fire you'll head downstairs and grab the kids! I can see more of an argument for not having the kids on the top floor (takes longer to get out if you have to go up and back down again) but not for not them being below you?

I personally would want to sleep on the same floor as my children, especially given their ages. I would also agree that DH should be able to work out of the way and not be disturbed by the children. I know someone who had the same layout as you and ended up working on the top floor even though it was their bedroom as it was quieter.
The issue seems to be about him getting “his space” and you not. Surely you can have some of the room dedicated to office and exercise and some dedicated to your dressing area? The room must be big enough to be multipurpose?

@thecatsthecats this is incredible. We have a box room and would want to do the same but I didn’t think it was possible. - how do you fit the desk and sofa bed in this space? Do you have a floor plan for the room?

A PP referred to it as his man cave, rather than his office. THAT is a problem. I’d be fuming if DH didn’t come down from work at the end of the day.

It sounds like it isn't the right house for you. No way would i want to sleep on a different floor to my young children, so his solution makes some sense. But if you only have 1 true double bedroom it's just not going to work.

Also wanting to know what furniture you bought please, sounds like something I need! Thanks.

The clothes/bathroom/sanctuary space situation sounds unworkable.

I think he's being a dick, tbh, but if he is not a dick in general, have a session to solve the problem. Write down both of your needs / wants / nice to haves. Ask him to come up with solutions so that your needs are met. If he doesn't already have this floor set-up and he's still employed and functioning, it's clearly more of a want. You should try and satisfy wants - but not at the expense of needs.

Where are your needs in his proposed plan?

I love how leftfield this temple comment is 😄 Fair enough! Not sure it's directly useful to OP but I really want to hear more about the Pagan temple in the master bedroom!

When the kids are young, I’d always have wanted our bedroom on the same floor as them. So his idea is better, just not for the reasons he states.

I wouldn't want to be on a different floor to the children at that age I don't think. I'd go:

• Bedroom 1 - yours
• Bedroom 2 - kids to share for now
• Box room - his office
• Upstairs - shared dressing area and workout space, with spare bed for guests

Still slightly inconvenient for clothes etc but not the end of the world. He still gets a dedicated workspace, you still have a workout area and guest room, you're on the same floor as the kids.

When they get older and you're comfortable being on a different floor then you move upstairs as your bedroom and kids bunk in together if there are occasional guests?

Does the property have a garden? One solution would be to put a small office /workout space there if practical /affordable. No way would I be happy with him taking the top floor for his man-cave, for that's what it will become in a few months. I also think the whole not sleeping on the same floor as the kids is a bit of a red herring. We had the set up you describe from the birth of our first child onwards and it was fine
Get a decent baby monitor and you have nothing to worry about. And re visitors, in my opinion day to day living trumps anything you offer to occasional guests.

I use the smallest room as my WFH space. The top floor is our bedroom and it's been like that since DCs were toddlers. Never had a problem.

If this is really about quiet workspace it should be easy to fix with a different room. But I suspect it's not. He wants a man cave. YANBU.

He sounds very selfish but my children are nearly 5 and 8 and I wouldn't want to not sleep on the same floor as them. I would only do it when they become teenagers and by then it would work well because you have an en-suite you don't need to share with teens and they have more space too.

I think while your children are so tiny his plan makes sense - firstly you're not going to be running up n down stairs in the night if they need you, he can work without them disturbing each if they have a daytime nap in their room or maybe play it in when they're older, and guests can have space without also being disturbed by small children waking early, crying in the night etc.

I think I'd prefer what he's suggesting - at least if you're home in the day you won't have to worry as much about children noise. I'd want to sleep on same floor as the kids, at least whilst young. And surely you can use the room for workout/hobbies/chilling whenever he is not working. I can't believe a 4-bed house would have 3 bedrooms that can't fit a bed and wardrobe. you could store your non-everyday clothes in the top room.

Our room is the loft floor and our kids are on the floor below. It's fine.
He's being a dick.

Could the upstairs room be both your bedroom AND his office, ie he puts a desk in there? (but not the sofa).
So it's your bedroom in evenings, but he is there during the day (when you won't be).
But put the clutter (eg maybe some of his work filing), sofabed etc in the other room on the middle floor.

Tbh working from home is exactly that. He needs a quiet space I am on your husbands side. Or you need a different house with better options