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Original poster

Cocaine - can this work

215 replies

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 21:10

Hello, first time here but previous lurker so please be gentle with me.
Just found out my boyfriend of four months is a cocaine user.
He says at least once a week, but he took it twice last week!
He also takes a lot of other party drugs.
I'm nearly 40 and want a LTR. In every other regard he's really nice and seems to be functioning really well but has been taking it for 10 or so years.
Well paid so cash isn't an issue.
I really like him. Dating in your late 30s is really hard so I was pleased to have found someone so nice.
Ignoring all the moral issues (I know about them, please don't make this thread about them) can someone realistically have a normal life when they take this much cocaine.
No children. I don't take it.
TIA

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 06/02/2023 11:07

OP From my own experience with a drug user, whatever he tells you is not the truth.
How much he uses is not the truth.
How much he spends is not the truth.
In fact anything he says will always be a lie and ain't that the truth

Dejavu23 · 06/02/2023 11:09

I met up with an ex from twenty years ago. I was shocked when he got out of the car as he looked really scruffy and his fingernails were grubby. I thought he must have come straight from work and was going home to change.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. He was chain-smoking weed and couldn’t stop talking about cocaine all night. Like he was obsessed with the high it gave him.

When I told him why I didn’t want to see him again, he acted shocked and said he didn’t talk about it that much.

Anyway he’s in his 50s now and calls himself semi-retired but hasn’t worked a day in years and spends all his money on weed and coke (not his two daughters who he has never brought up.)

housemaus · 06/02/2023 11:23

Nope. And I say this as someone with a relatively relaxed stance on drug use. This isn't casual use, it's regular: with a drug like coke, that's a real issue.

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 15:57

newnamefortodays · 06/02/2023 01:43

I’ve just written a massive post and accidentally deleted it, so I’ll try and get the gist of what I wrote again! I’ve changed my username for this post, but my DP takes cocaine, somewhere between fortnightly and monthly I would say. I don’t like it, he knows that, but I knew about his drug use before we got together, so I went into it with my eyes open. I won’t be around him when he’s on it, and he has drastically cut drown his usage from several times a week to the level he’s at now. We’re still relatively young, so I do believe that he will grow out of it when we “settle down” (a lot of our social circle still take party drugs) and I must admit that a man in their late 30s taking it more than once a week would concern me more, because if he won’t stop now, then when? I think if you do want to stay with him, you need some ground rules that you’re comfortable with - such as he needs to reduce his usage, if only for the sheer expenditure of it. It would also depend for me on how you discovered it - did he tell you? If so, does he admit it’s a problem, or think it’s no big deal? I think the latter would concern me far more. I think there’s a lot of dramatics on here sometimes about drug use, but it’s far more common than you think. I imagine everyone knows someone (at least) who currently takes or has in the past taken recreational drugs. Taking cocaine occasionally doesn’t make you a terrible person, but I would say more than once a week isn’t necessarily occasionally.

The fact that he’s cut down is a big sign of not being addicted I hope for you, as is being young.
He’s if it’s true being responsible, just keep an eye on it, and talk about how much or if he plans to use if you have a family. If he isn’t lying, he’s doing quite well really. Once a week is risky though, as he gets older. Really wish you the best

RudsyFarmer · 06/02/2023 16:00

If you do decide to stay with him view is a temporary thing only. You don’t want to attempt to grow old with this man.

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 16:02

avamiah · 06/02/2023 01:40

Firstly I would read @Coyoacan post a few times as she is pretty accurate in my opinion and trust me if he is telling you he does it 2 times a week then he is actually doing it everyday.

Id tend to agree with this. It’s not like a partying phase of a uni student, usually when they grow a bit, they see it as enjoying their uni freedom and grow out of it, except maybe a fun night out once a month to let loose with the mates to reminisce good times

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 16:03

housemaus · 06/02/2023 11:23

Nope. And I say this as someone with a relatively relaxed stance on drug use. This isn't casual use, it's regular: with a drug like coke, that's a real issue.

Yes that’s the thing, there’s a more relaxed stand on weed in some places for instance, but some are just really addictive (and expensive)

OurChristmasMiracle · 06/02/2023 16:09

He’s admitted to cocaine at least once a week and other party drugs as well. I would put money on it that it’s much more often than once a week after 10 years using it. He may have a “binge” once a week on it where he does more than he normally does but I would be thinking at least every 2 days he is using if not daily so long as he has funds and can get his hands on it. Even if he doesn’t have funds he will happily get into debt for it.

you may think money isn’t a problem but cocaine addicts can spend several hundred pounds in a single day on it.

honestly I would run and not look back

newnamethanks · 06/02/2023 16:10

Oh don't do it, you're old enough to know better and so is he. Given his age he won't be stopping any time soon and it will wear you out and cost you, both emotionally and financially. Trade him in.

mummmmyj · 06/02/2023 16:24

ShakespearesBlister · 05/02/2023 21:35

Let me tell you this much. It's never once a week. It's rarely twice a week. Cocaine doesn't work like that. Just don't do this to yourself. End it now.

What @ShakespearesBlister said.

Original poster
Pulpfan78 · 06/02/2023 18:35

Sorry, fell asleep and was at work. Yes, he works and owns a place. On paper he's a catch! It came up as we were chatting about our university days and I was recalling some heavy drinking but said I'd never done any drugs and all the people I knew who did had long since stopped.
He was very upfront and said he did drugs, really liked them, all his friends did and he wouldn't stop. It's clearly an important part of his life. I've was surprised. You wouldn't know.
That was around 2 months or so months ago but I'm getting the sense he takes it more than he initially let on.
So it's not so much he was lying then but more he was trying to impress me and during that period he didn't indulge as much.
But as the need to impress me decreases, the coke use increases.
So what will it be like in a year?
Writing it down, it doesn't sound great... does it?
What is odd is he can do X number of lines and get up the next morning and it's fine but surely at some point something has to give?

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 06/02/2023 18:37

Lots of my friends do coke while having a drink so it wouldn't be a deal breaker but I would be worried about it becoming a problem.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/02/2023 18:37

On paper he's a catch!

On paper he's a cash-in-hand coke user.

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/02/2023 18:46

I know people who have drugs rule their lives.

I know people who partake recreationally regularly, and also infrequently.

The issue I have is, you don't know if one will turn into the other (and the first kind never turns into the second kind!), nor do they.

Ask him what would happen if he couldn't continue this lifestyle, for example, the money ran out, or he had a health condition that meant it'd kill him, quickly and without much warning.

I use cannabis (edibles) occasionally, sometimes for amusement much as others might have a glass of wine, sometimes for pain relief. I can go months without using any and then have some several weekends in a row. Then I might go YEARS without any... etc etc. I never work whilst stoned, I don't rely on it on a daily basis to get me going or calm me down or whatever, and if I could never have any again I would not care.

But that is not particularly usual, and is probably closely related to the fact my partner also isn't particularly bothered either - if I were surrounded by people doing it daily, I may well do it more (though.. back in the days when I was, I didn't... but people change).

Lifestyle and peer groups are as important here as the drug use - I have never been part of a social group that puts any pressure on anyone to use. Whilst I have been part of groups who DO use and use varied substances and frequently, there was never any 'you have to or you can't be in the group' about it and i am not the sort of person who really cares if I am doing what others are doing.

If he can't leave that lifestyle and social group... then it wouldn't really matter what drug he was using, even if it were legal, he wouldn't stop.

fizzydrinkss · 06/02/2023 18:48

No, it will only get worse. And I'm taking from personal experience. Find yourself someone who doesn't take drugs. Plenty nice people out there who don't take drugs

WetBandits · 06/02/2023 18:52

Haven’t RTFT yet so haven’t seen any updates from you (hoping to see you’ve dumped him by the time I finish reading!) but double what he’s told you he takes and you’ll have something close to an accurate answer.

(And dump him)

bungaloid · 06/02/2023 19:18

For some counter-balance, many of my friend group still use a variety of recreational drugs and have managed successful careers and family. Apart from moralistic or legality concerns about the drug trade, I don't see it being a relationship disaster any more than alcohol.

housemaus · 06/02/2023 20:49

bungaloid · 06/02/2023 19:18

For some counter-balance, many of my friend group still use a variety of recreational drugs and have managed successful careers and family. Apart from moralistic or legality concerns about the drug trade, I don't see it being a relationship disaster any more than alcohol.

Oh same - most of the people I know who take drugs have good jobs or own successful businesses, have happy marriages, kids, etc etc. But the only people I know doing it twice a week are a bit of a mess.

Not like Trainspotting like some of the posters here are imagining haha. But not mentally healthy, spending a lot of money, relationships not great. Taking coke and other stuff (assuming MDMA probably) twice a week is a lot and it'll be absolutely rinsing your brain chemicals way too regularly for you to be A-OK for long.

(And I say this as someone who is fond of occasional recreational drug use myself and did so more in the past. I'm not anti-drugs at all, but I am anti-coke-that-often.)

TowerRaven7 · 06/02/2023 20:55

if it bothers you, and you wouldn’t be asking if it didn’t bother you, it won’t work. One of my old boyfriends did the same. Didn’t tell me until I was 4-5 months in because I’m sure he knew I wouldn’t like it (he smoked weed). In the end I broke up with him; it was just a deal breaker for me.

ReverseFerret · 06/02/2023 21:35

I'm going to guess he's attractive and /or rich and you are looking for validation to ignore his shitty drug habit*

*which isn't glamorous or interesting when it involves the exploitation and harm of vulnerable people and children ffs!

Original poster
Pulpfan78 · 06/02/2023 21:39

He's not especially but he's charasmatic and we clicked. Also I feel a bit like we've spent a lot of time together in terms of hours (it's been intense) and now I'm like.... wow. That's the thing. If I felt less attached to him it would be a much easier decision as I would initially also say RED FLAG. But we've seen each other lots and he's been so nice.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 06/02/2023 21:42

Totally get it. But unless you want to go out with a man in his forties still doing Coke a couple of times a week (which I have to say I find a bit of a turn off as most recreational drug users I knew in my youth had jacked that in long before 40) what can you do? It is a red flag. It’s not like he is saying twice a year. Would you be happy going out with a man who got legless drunk twice a week? What’s the difference?

Eyerollcentral · 06/02/2023 21:44

I’d also be concerned that you’ve spent so much time together but this is still a surprise. It would make me wonder what else he is holding back as a surprise.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 21:45

(it's been intense)

that's class A's for you 🥳**

Original poster
Pulpfan78 · 06/02/2023 21:48

I think, (know) everyone is right, it is just a bummer as it is not often you meet someone you properly get on with who seems to really like you back. But I mooted the idea of him quitting and that was shot down. So drugs are more important than me. I wouldn't actually care about 2x a year but it's a lot. It feels like something I can't handle.

OP posts:
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