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Original poster

Cocaine - can this work

215 replies

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 21:10

Hello, first time here but previous lurker so please be gentle with me.
Just found out my boyfriend of four months is a cocaine user.
He says at least once a week, but he took it twice last week!
He also takes a lot of other party drugs.
I'm nearly 40 and want a LTR. In every other regard he's really nice and seems to be functioning really well but has been taking it for 10 or so years.
Well paid so cash isn't an issue.
I really like him. Dating in your late 30s is really hard so I was pleased to have found someone so nice.
Ignoring all the moral issues (I know about them, please don't make this thread about them) can someone realistically have a normal life when they take this much cocaine.
No children. I don't take it.
TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 22:04

Oh it's fine people saying no. That's sort of what my gut is telling me too.

OP posts:
hoojit · 05/02/2023 22:05

Not fussed about the morality of it, but people who do coke are mostly dicks. On that basis, I'd dump him. His idea of recreational activities and yours are too different.

I wouldn't date a smoker, either, because they smell disgusting and think they don't, because they are so used to the smell on their clothes, hair etc.

slowquickstep · 05/02/2023 22:06

Why would you want a LTR with a druggie ?

AngelinaFibres · 05/02/2023 22:07

My exhusband is an addict. In his case its alcohol and spending. We had a 3 year old and a 2 year old but he drank and drank and spent and spent. It was hell. I lost my house. There were debts. There were bailiffs at the door.His second wife is about to lose her house. His credit card debts are over £100,000. Addiction is hideous Op. There is nothing more important to the addict than the fix. Babies don't matter, food and bills and stability don't matter. Meeting friends, maintaining relationships with their family and yours don't matter. Being reliable when it matters is no longer a thing.Birthdays and Christmas will be crap. Giving a tiny flying fuck about anyone but themselves doesn't matter. Get rid now Op. Never, ever, ever have children with this man.

Jennybeans401 · 05/02/2023 22:08

It's a no from me. Drugs are a no, no matter how great the person is. Slippery slope

JoonT · 05/02/2023 22:09

He might be OK. People assume that every drug user is an addict, but that simply isn't true. Alcohol is a drug (were it invented tomorrow, according to David Nutt, it would be illegal and classed alongside heroin), yet not every drinker is an alcoholic. Many people use drugs occasionally, with little long-term harm. That's just a fact. Personally, I'd far rather live in a country in which alcohol was illegal but you could buy cocaine and ecstasy and mushrooms in Boots. And given the choice, I'd rather be with someone who occasionally used cocaine than drank heavily.

But...it would concern me. Just because he isn't an addict now doesn't mean he'll never be one. His drug use could escalate. It also suggests bad character – selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of a social conscience, etc. You don't need a sociology degree to know that buying drugs fuels crime. (Still, I bet many of the posters on this thread, who are quick to express moral outrage, eat meat. The meat industry is based on unimaginable horror and suffering.)

Genevieva · 05/02/2023 22:13

Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs on the planet. And you have said yourself that it isn't the only illegal drug he takes. This means that he probably has an addictive personality and his need to take drugs will always outweigh any other considerations. So while he seems lovely now at this early superficial stage in a relationship, it is only because you don't really know each other and you haven't come across those situations yet. Honestly, it will cause you conflict at some point. It will keep you awake at night worrying. And even though I have deliberately avoided all the very serious moral and legal issues in this response, those issues are very real and you don't need them in your life.

VestaTilley · 05/02/2023 22:13

I voted YANBU by accident - YABU. Leave him. Coke can make your violent and aggressive. If he’s doing it weekly he’s an addict. And I bet most of his money is gone.

Leave now.

KendrickLamaze · 05/02/2023 22:13

Do I know people who have fantastic professional jobs that takes coke every week? Yes.

Do they have a good family life? Yes but I think this is always hidden from their SO.

Is it someone I would want to get involved with? Absolutely not.

The occasional dabble is ok and some people can't drink without feeling the need to have it so perhaps he is just having a few beers and lines on a Friday. He's obviously a bit of a wreckhead.

I'd be anxious to start anything significant with someone who feels so differently to you about these things.

KickingScreaming · 05/02/2023 22:15

No.
Just no.
Be kind to yourself and walk away.

OldFan · 05/02/2023 22:15

No way @Pulpfan78 - unless you like druggies, and it doesn't sound like they're your cup of tea.

Noodlehen · 05/02/2023 22:15

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 22:02

This is it. I, and I am probably being a right thicko, don't really know what an addiction is. At what point does something become an addiction?

Show quote history

I guess in my experience it would be if they’re taking coke sober and at home, or if they’re the only one in the group doing it.

the problem is, if you accept it then they may do it more because they’re not hiding it.

it’s up to your boundaries. For me, doing coke isn’t a deal breaker but I can understand all the reasons why it would be.

ReverseFerret · 05/02/2023 22:16

Mmmnnn...casual drug use = exploiting children and vulnerable adults... so sexy.

Raise. Your. Fucking. Standards.

Maternityleavelady · 05/02/2023 22:17

My gut would be to ditch him BUT my friend was dating a guy in her 20s who was a heavy drug user, a media guy, coke was one of his main ones. I expressed concerns about his drug taking and what about if they had kids? She said he will stop when we have kids. I doubted it. They got married in their 30s and had 2 kids and he literally just stopped. They are now in their 40s, happy, but tired, with kids and don’t feel any need to take drugs. Some people do just grow out of it.

KickingScreaming · 05/02/2023 22:17

Oh, and if he's taking a significant amount of drugs then, honestly, you don't really know him.

You only know drug him.

You've never known him.

Walk away.

EezyOozy · 05/02/2023 22:17

No. Run away. I speak from experience.

Wonderpoo · 05/02/2023 22:17

Cocaine isn’t physically addictive only psychologically. I know lots of people who do coke occasionally having once done it lots more when younger - but once a week in your 40s does sound a lot. It’s not an occasional thing

philautia · 05/02/2023 22:17

Definitely not. I'm speaking from experience, although for me it didn't come to light until 6 months down the line and we had moved in together (no children involved). Looking back now it was obvious, but I had never seen anyone on cocaine nor had I taken it myself.

What followed I don't like to talk about. But as you are in a similar situation as I was 15 years ago I will go into the milder things - disappearing in the night, waking up at 2am to strange men wandering around our home, coercing me into doing things I didn't want to do, waking up to him having sex with me, angry moods, dealers coming into the house, control, isolating me from my friends and family, in two years I was £15k in debt (he would spend all he had on coke leaving me to foot the bill for everything else). He too seemed amazing, the perfect person. But cocaine changes you. I was with him for three years and I have only just finished paying off the debt. He left me, I didn't leave him. He was convinced I was having sex with everyone he saw so broke up with me then tried to get back together two weeks later with a new level of control in our relationship.

Please, please, please don't do it.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 22:20

I think there are worse things in the world than doing drugs.
And if it was an extremely rare occurrence then I might turn a blind eye.

But for me I couldn’t be dealing with a grown man shoving coke up his nose every week.
It gives me the ick but I’m not even sure why - it just seems really immature and like why can’t you go out and have fun without it.

Does he have his own home, a good job etc?
Or does he act like a 17 year old still?

GyozaGuiting · 05/02/2023 22:20

Twice a week in his 30s? Grim. The crime that goes into his habit would be the deal breaker for me. The people trafficking, prostitution, death, violence of that cocaine ending up in his nose.

Wonderpoo · 05/02/2023 22:21

Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs on the planet

apart from the fact it’s not physically addictive at all. This is just a factually incorrect statement @Genevieva

RobertaFirmino · 05/02/2023 22:22

Ex-coke addict here (13 years clean and counting!).

Say goodbye to this man, turn around, walk away and don't look back.

You will ALWAYS come second to coke.

He will only stop if he has the 'lightbulb moment'. Sustained change can only ever come from within.

BTW: You are not being a 'thicko'. Cocaine doesn't take over your life to the extent that heroin, alcohol or nicotine does. The addiction is largely psychological so yes, it is difficult to see when it is becoming a problem.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

Lampan · 05/02/2023 22:22

Aside from EVERY other good point that’s been mentioned on here, what about the legal implications? If he gets caught with it it could have consequences which could affect career and earning potential etc. And would you happily travel abroad with him knowing he may be taking some through customs?

Absolutely end this know. I have been there and no matter how great the guy seems, it’s not worth it. As a previous poster says, you don’t even know the real him.

Justcallmebebes · 05/02/2023 22:22

Jesus, raise your bar. Drug addicts don't make good partners and they make really, really crap parents. Surely you know this

knowitmore · 05/02/2023 22:23

Never in a million years. My respect for him would be gone in an instance. YuK!

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