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Original poster

Cocaine - can this work

215 replies

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 21:10

Hello, first time here but previous lurker so please be gentle with me.
Just found out my boyfriend of four months is a cocaine user.
He says at least once a week, but he took it twice last week!
He also takes a lot of other party drugs.
I'm nearly 40 and want a LTR. In every other regard he's really nice and seems to be functioning really well but has been taking it for 10 or so years.
Well paid so cash isn't an issue.
I really like him. Dating in your late 30s is really hard so I was pleased to have found someone so nice.
Ignoring all the moral issues (I know about them, please don't make this thread about them) can someone realistically have a normal life when they take this much cocaine.
No children. I don't take it.
TIA

OP posts:
Father2890 · 06/02/2023 01:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Father2890 · 06/02/2023 02:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

RedHead33 · 06/02/2023 02:03

@Father2890 Well I don't drink or smoke and I'm not obese.

avamiah · 06/02/2023 03:10

@oakleaffy
Your very correct as they Don’t .
Unfortunately, OP will soon learn this.

ReverseFerret · 06/02/2023 07:13

Do you have children OP? Or want them in the future?

Would you be comfortable with your children being coerced by drugs gangs, stabbed or raped?

Are you comfortable ignoring the morality because you have 'found the perfect man' or fancy a bit of 'bad boy'?

Where are your morals?

Shameful!

redpinkyellow · 06/02/2023 07:22

My friend started dating a guy in her late 30's - came to light after a few months his drug use but he said he wanted to give it up, get married and have a family - all that she has ever wanted. He got a dog to prove to her he could calm his party ways and look after it.

She believed him but she actually ended up at home looking after his dog and fast forward 3 years she's a user now, her career has stalled I believe due her her drug use as she's hungover on a regular basis, I actually don't remember when I last saw her when she wasn't hungover....

Her health is suffering and she doesn't see it. She'd rather be with him than single...

Shes 42 now so her hopes of a child are fading, especially as he is "not ready yet"

I'm so sad for my lovely friend who would have made a lovely mum before she met him

MyEasterEggs · 06/02/2023 07:25

The fact you’re asking speaks volumes. You know in your heart of hearts that it’s not worth the risk. Walk away and focus on finding someone worthy of you.

I was with an addict for two years and got so tired of the lies (there are always lies) and eventually the money and energy spent on helping him try to quit. His mum was constantly bailing him out and it was all just so unattractive. Then he became emotionally abusive and I walked when he threatened physical abuse.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and one of my brothers has been badly affected by drug use so it’s a big no from me. There’s the moral issues and it’s just so grubby. 40 and using once or twice a week is a problem no matter how he frames it. My now partner was a recreational drug taker but as someone who wanted to be in a LTR he quit. Realised it was fun for a while but that he had to grow up at some stage. Meant leaving his friendship group behind, which was sad and not what I wanted for him, but he’s happier and healthier for it.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 06/02/2023 07:34

Whether he is an addict or a social user......

Whether it is cannabis or cocaine....

He is willfully and knowingly partaking in something for which children are abused, women are abused, knife and gun crime are rampant within and gangs control.

How ANYONE can consider any drug that is illegal and I strongly include weed in this as well, is beyond me.

People who use any drug which is funded by the above are scum, nasty, immoral, child abusive by association scum.

Dump his ass now and check your morality.

Refractory · 06/02/2023 07:44

OP I would not say I'm scandalised by cocaine use, I do know a lot of naice people who do it occasionally but 2x a week at 40 would be far too much for me and I agree with PP if you know about 2x a week it's almost certainly more than that.

MrsDoyle351 · 06/02/2023 07:50

Cyberworrier · 05/02/2023 21:17

I’d walk away. In my experience, frequent drug use is incompatible with what i would class as a healthy/normal/happy lifestyle and relationships and also often goes hand in hand with unresolved mental health issues.

What they said x10

EnjoythemoneyJane · 06/02/2023 08:01

I know two people with husbands who indulged in recreational coke use at this age (one in a creative job, the other high pressure trading, so v different personality types) - both really nice guys, fun to be with. Both ended up not very nice guys and not fun to be with.

Both women effectively ended up as working single parents while the blokes lied, let them down, developed twin issues with alcohol and gambling and hosed through an absolute shit ton of family money. They both made spectacles of themselves whilst partying with much younger people, unaware how sad and ridiculous they looked as men in their 50s at this point, and became unbearable to live with - unreliable and moody, sometimes grovelling and filled with shame, sometimes wanting a big pity party, but very often unbelievably mean, spiteful and aggressive.

Divorce from an addict is messy and painful, and coke habits age like milk. I really, really wouldn’t if I were you.

GreenWheat · 06/02/2023 08:03

Leave before you have complicating factors that tie you to him like a joint mortgage or children. In my experience, if you are questioning any aspect of someone's morals or habits, it will never go away. Drug users always kid themselves that they can walk away from them at any time ; they can't.

Wearingatshirt · 06/02/2023 08:28

He's already addicted and hasn't told you he's going to stop. A person on drugs isn't the real person infront of you. He's the person on drugs you are seeing.

RealBecca · 06/02/2023 08:31

It's very hard to make level decisions whe you are emotionally involved.

If you were looking to spend your life savings and he was on the LTR shelf, would you buy him?

Because you are effectively investing your whole life into this man and you have to ask yourself if he is your best investment.

Timaya · 06/02/2023 08:32

I do know someone who lives a pretty average, normal life while using cocaine about once a week. They work, earn well, have 2 kids, about to get married, nice house with mortgage, all bills paid, have savings and still afford family holidays etc, go on normal family days out, the kids do well in school and their extra-curriculars. So, I guess it is possible for some people. Not healthy mind.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who did it that often personally! I wouldn't mind if it were something done on a rare night-out a few times a year however.

ttcat37 · 06/02/2023 08:46

100% get rid
He is spending hundreds per week on cocaine alone, plus the other ‘party’ drugs he takes.
Someone who is spending so much on mind altering substances has obviously got some serious issues to not want to actually be themselves or be able to enjoy their life without it.
Plus, presuming he’s a similar age to you, when is he going to grow the fuck up and drop this party boy lifestyle?

Choconut · 06/02/2023 09:18

He's already lying and playing it down OP, saying he does it once a week when you know he's done it twice at least, he's certainly not going to give up. This will be taking a huge toll on his body. Has he actually had any successful previous long term relationships? He really doesn't sound like the type - want's to be a 20 year old for the rest of his life - lets face it, taking drugs once you get past about 25 just seems sad and try hard. Find someone as mature, functional and healthy as you are OP, dont let yourself become emotionally dependent on this one just because dating is difficult. I'm sure he seems nice and fun but don't settle, you'll never be happy.

emptythelitterbox · 06/02/2023 09:31

He's an addict.
How did you find out about his drug use?

The fact that he hid this from you shows a key trait of drug addicts. They're all liars.

He has presented you of an ideal picture of himself so you'd fall for him. About the 4 month is when men start showing their true selves and like now, you're looking for ways to make this acceptable.

You've just seen the very tip of the ice berg.
Guys like him will lie, steal, and bankrupt you if you let them.

Do you have a nice job and own your own home?

ThisIsWednesday · 06/02/2023 10:09

At your age I would want to be dating a responsible adult, not some immature eejit. You say he's paid well cash in hand? That's a man living for the now and unlikely to have any real plans for the future. A cash in hand is not a secure career. The drugs give me the instant ick but the rest sounds no better.

You're four months in. That's nothing. Throw the fish back and try again.

LaBellina · 06/02/2023 10:11

Please please get rid when it’s still early days.

happygertie · 06/02/2023 10:14

My best friend married her Coke head boyfriend, at least every 6 months or so she threatens to kick him out as she finds out he is back on it or she sees a text from his mates re Coke or his dealer.

He will pop to pub for a couple of pints and return the next day with no contact in between

ReneBumsWombats · 06/02/2023 10:20

You say he's paid well cash in hand? That's a man living for the now and unlikely to have any real plans for the future.

That's also a tax dodger.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 10:29

It's not just the Coke Is Bad, what if he blows the house up his nose and you end up destitute angle.

It's more that you're in a position where you can make a choice. Yes there are lots of people involved with a middle aged partner who has a twice plus a week coke habit, and their world hasn't yet ended. However, you're in a position where you get to choose a partner, you are actively looking for a LTR. If you had to buy him from a shop he would definitely be in the discount bin.

Don't choose this one, is all. It's all fun and games until you have to live with it. You're not being a prude by deciding this isn't for you, I'm not anti drugs by a long chalk, but if you're looking for advice, then it's a nope from me.

In every other regard he's really nice and seems to be functioning really well

The clue to the fact that he's not functioning really well is that he's got an active cocaine habit. It's literally right there in front of your nose.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 06/02/2023 11:01

ew ew ew no.

And I say this as someone who took coke in her early 20s, but there is a massive difference between young adults experimenting and middle age men doing it.

Sounds like he never grew up and found something else to do, tbh.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 06/02/2023 11:02

Also you will never be able to socialise with him, because people on coke are massively annoying to anyone who isnt also high.