Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocaine - can this work

215 replies

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 21:10

Hello, first time here but previous lurker so please be gentle with me.
Just found out my boyfriend of four months is a cocaine user.
He says at least once a week, but he took it twice last week!
He also takes a lot of other party drugs.
I'm nearly 40 and want a LTR. In every other regard he's really nice and seems to be functioning really well but has been taking it for 10 or so years.
Well paid so cash isn't an issue.
I really like him. Dating in your late 30s is really hard so I was pleased to have found someone so nice.
Ignoring all the moral issues (I know about them, please don't make this thread about them) can someone realistically have a normal life when they take this much cocaine.
No children. I don't take it.
TIA

OP posts:
goldfootball · 05/02/2023 22:24

God no it’s a fucking nightmare. It’s not a lesson you need to learn for yourself juts don’t go there.

DancyNancy · 05/02/2023 22:25

Definite no for me

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 22:26

This is it. I, and I am probably being a right thicko, don't really know what an addiction is. At what point does something become an addiction?

There are various types of addiction. First is physical addiction. The worst of which is alcoholism, when you are never 'sober' and always have alcohol in your system. Withdrawal can kill you. All the way to psychological addiction, where withdrawal doesn't physically affect you in the same way, it's just incredibly hard to give something up. You can usually tell if someone is psychologically addicted with this simple test: Does the substance cause them problems? Do they continue to use it? They have a substance problem.

As PP said cocaine isn't physically addictive. It is very psychologically addictive, particularly paired with alcohol, which it almost always is. Theoretically that should make it easier to give up than alcohol or heroin. But yours hasn't. 40 years old and still taking it? He has a problem. One that gets nasty the older you get where those stimulant effects really get to your heart.

That's my professional knowledge. My personal, very hard-won, knowledge is please don't. Coke heads are selfish, manipulative liars who will do a whole lot of other things as well. If my exH is anything to go by. Learn by other people's mistakes.

Always4Brenner · 05/02/2023 22:27

No put back now you’ll spend years being begged for money or the sulk if you don’t.

Bertha21 · 05/02/2023 22:27

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who could be lovely. But after nights out he could be erratic/unpleasant to be around. I questioned him about drug use. He denied. In the end it got worse. He was lying all the time. I walked away. Years later he told me it was cocaine and he was addicted. The affect on his life and his body have been huge. Sad but true. As he has no intention to give up, I think you have your answer. I personally think in relationships you need similar morals/values to work well together.

Fairislefandango · 05/02/2023 22:28

There are potential partners out there who aren't Class A drug users. Why would you choose to stay with one who is? Especially when you're only a few months into this relationship. Maybe it an occasional habit he will soon drop. Maybe not. Why take the risk?

OldFan · 05/02/2023 22:34

Maybe it an occasional habit he will soon drop.

Why would he be likely to stop now when he's middle aged and carried on doing it (and other drugs) long after most people stop?

If someone uses multiple drugs it tends to be both a lifestyle and a philosophical stance of drugs being enlightening/cool etc.

ReneBumsWombats · 05/02/2023 22:37

You'd have to be crazy. Run a mile.

AngelinaFibres · 05/02/2023 22:37

Princess Diana referred to there being 3 people in her marriage. If you marry this man your third person will be cocaine and all the dodgy, grubby arseholes that have any involvement in it. You will never be able to trust him and you will never be able to rely on him. Just imagine being in hospital the day you have given birth. Off home he goes ,leaving you there with your baby. You will never know whether he is going home to sleep or he's going to buy cocaine. Who else will be in your house whilst you're away. Will he still have it in his system when he comes to drive you both home. Find someone else Op.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 05/02/2023 22:37

Walk away.

2chocolateoranges · 05/02/2023 22:39

No no no no and no.

drug use is a dealbreaker for me, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who use drugs.

run for the hills. Addictions only get worse,

pursudebyablackdog · 05/02/2023 22:40

No. Hassle you don't need and as others have said, you'll never come first in this relationship. I know you say you are not interested in the moral view point, but if he really was a 'kind soul' he wouldn't partake in a habit which cause unbelievable suffering to those in the supply chain. He doesn't care, he wants his fix as his lovely warm hazy feeling is far more important than sex trafficking, teen shootings etc etc.
If you really want to be in a relationship with him, read up on long term physiological changes with drug use so you know what to expect 10, 15 or 20 years down the line with him (of course some people can do drugs all their lives and are fine, just as some people smoke for 60+ years and never get cancer; but they are the outliers rather than the norm).

userxx · 05/02/2023 22:40

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 21:21

This is what I think. It's just hard. I guess I don't understand addiction.

🚩 🚩 🚩 mission aborted.

TerrysNeapolitan · 05/02/2023 22:40

NO. And. NO

MumOf2workOptions · 05/02/2023 22:41

Just get rid of this lowlife I'm surprised you have to ask

lowclouds · 05/02/2023 22:48

Pulpfan78 · 05/02/2023 22:04

Oh it's fine people saying no. That's sort of what my gut is telling me too.

I'd agree with others saying no.

You sound quite naive about drugs (not a bad thing) - you don't know what they cost, don't know what an addiction is etc. You have a very different life/ background to what he will be living when he is using cocaine.

If you stay with him you will be sucked into that world and you will most likely find out what addiciton is through experience. You'll certainly find out what it costs (answer: a lot).

In your position I'd run a mile. I know people who use it, they are generally not very interesting or good company in my experience and self-absorbed, especially when they've taken it. It's just not a lifestyle or a crowd that I want anything to do with.

Not to mention the moral issues. If you'd met any children who have been trafficked/ run county lines, you might re-evaluate your position of 'please don't mention the moral side'. It's major and it's awful.

19lottie82 · 05/02/2023 22:50

No. I’m no angel, have dabbled in the past but twice a week is a LOT. It won’t end well.

Unsure33 · 05/02/2023 22:53

I have seen it ruin lives so for me it would be a deal breaker.

EwwSprouts · 05/02/2023 22:56

No he's already lying to you. Why would you value his judgment on anything else?

mswales · 05/02/2023 23:03

Yes of course someone can take recreational drugs once a week and mot be an addict live a normal life. Lots and lots of people take drugs at the weekend as part of normal life. It's only the moral issues you need to worry about.

Justmeandthedog1 · 05/02/2023 23:04

Mydogatemypurse · 05/02/2023 21:42

He will always run to it following any bit of stress, percieved or real. Then cry about it.
He will always chose it over you.

This is the pattern of addiction. And you could end up supporting him financially.

Bluebellwood129 · 05/02/2023 23:11

His addiction has caused permanent changes to his brain and greatly increased his risk of all kinds of cardiac complications. Why would you waste your time on someone like this? They don't place any value on their life so why would you?

Deathbyfluffy · 05/02/2023 23:20

Nope, nope nope nope

VerveClique · 05/02/2023 23:25

Coke heads are boring, self-centred, delusional, hypochondriac, hypocritical egotists, IME.

Tiredmamma8 · 05/02/2023 23:28

If you’re asking us (complete strangers) you already know your answer but you don’t want to be alone.

being without someone is better than being with someone abusive.

it will become abusive no matter what you do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread