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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by DH gagging at my breast milk?!

253 replies

boobinandgroovin · 05/02/2023 18:58

1 week old was feeding and some milk was running out the sides of his mouth, he looked totally milk drunk and cute and I said aww, so my husband looked over and gagged when he saw the milk. I asked what that was about and he just said it's so weird that that's come from you

Last night baby pulled off the breast and my let down was squirting everywhere and I had nothing to grab no muslin so I just grabbed the only thing I had which was a glass and let it go in there. I went to tip it down the sink and he started dry heaving and saying no why is your milk in there.

I told him today I find it quite hurtful and he said that he doesn't mean anything by it and is fully supportive of me breastfeeding but it just makes him gag. There's going to be milk dribble and leaks and milky sicks I don't need him gagging all the time and making me feel disgusting just for feeding my child. He's saying I'm over reacting and it's just a reaction he can't control. AIBU?!

OP posts:
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5
DillDanding · 06/02/2023 11:20

What a wimpy weirdo, OP.

I’d squirt some milk in his face. 😂

Don’t most blokes try breast milk? It’s really not something to be repulsed by. Quite the opposite.

dollymixtured · 06/02/2023 11:22

Plumbear2 · 06/02/2023 11:12

Yes we can all Google this information. Living with it is very different. Example, I love crab but the sight makes me gag. Pouring juice in a glass makes my son gag but he likes the taste. Now does that make sense 🙄

Show quote history

Exactly this. Clearly @GoldDuster has no understanding that people can gag at things that rationally they are not repulsed by at all @Plumbear2 gives some good examples. And if I was in a job interview and somebody did something that triggered my gag reflex, I could no more control it than if needed to sneeze. I could try and suppress it in the same way but I couldn't just make it go away.

Plumbear2 · 06/02/2023 11:29

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:13

What's the reason for the involuntary gagging in your house @Plumbear2

Do you gag at things that you feel good about? Is it just random?

Or is it things that make you feel a bit sick? Like everyone else. The point is not the gagging, it's what it signifies his attitude is towards the subject matter, which happens to be her breastfeeding their baby.

Bravo for make light of something that many people find debilitating. I hope you are truly proud of yourself. Note the sarcasm.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:30

Who's Googling? I know enough to understand what a gag is without googling it, presumably you do too if you suffer with this on a daily basis.

I'm not saying that crab doesn't make you gag. Sorry to hear that. But do you accept that there is something wired up in your brain that is linked to a feeling of aversion that causes the gagging?

I'm thinking that if OP's DH was afflicted with the same condition as you and your DS, OP might know about it? It might have cropped up before now?

Or maybe it's a massive coincidence that the only thing that causes his involuntary gag reflex is.... breastfeeding.

dollymixtured · 06/02/2023 11:32

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:30

Who's Googling? I know enough to understand what a gag is without googling it, presumably you do too if you suffer with this on a daily basis.

I'm not saying that crab doesn't make you gag. Sorry to hear that. But do you accept that there is something wired up in your brain that is linked to a feeling of aversion that causes the gagging?

I'm thinking that if OP's DH was afflicted with the same condition as you and your DS, OP might know about it? It might have cropped up before now?

Or maybe it's a massive coincidence that the only thing that causes his involuntary gag reflex is.... breastfeeding.

Just stop, you are starting to look a lot like a bully.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:35

@Plumbear2 and @dollymixtured

I'm not making light of anything. I've asked a few relevant questions that neither of you seem to have been able to address.

Which is fine, but it's not really going anywhere is it? I'm not saying that you don't both have an affliction, and suffer with debilitating gagging that deserves support. I'm sorry to hear that is the case.

I'm more suggesting that even if it's involuntary, it's psycologially linked to negative feelings, of disgust, or revulsion. It's not something that happens when you see something that makes you feel good, or is it? Is it a pleasant feeling? You don't have to answer of course, because it's not what's going on with OPs DH, but I'm not denying or minimising your lived experience.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:37

I've just got some questions. It's fine if you don't feel able to answer.

dollymixtured · 06/02/2023 11:40

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:35

@Plumbear2 and @dollymixtured

I'm not making light of anything. I've asked a few relevant questions that neither of you seem to have been able to address.

Which is fine, but it's not really going anywhere is it? I'm not saying that you don't both have an affliction, and suffer with debilitating gagging that deserves support. I'm sorry to hear that is the case.

I'm more suggesting that even if it's involuntary, it's psycologially linked to negative feelings, of disgust, or revulsion. It's not something that happens when you see something that makes you feel good, or is it? Is it a pleasant feeling? You don't have to answer of course, because it's not what's going on with OPs DH, but I'm not denying or minimising your lived experience.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and answer you query. It is absolutely not a pleasant feeling but the trigger is not necessarily something ‘disgusting’ or something I feel revulsion or otherwise have negative feelings towards. As a PP said it is not really rational so the fact that the OP partner is gagging is not IMO indicative that he has any particular negative feelings toward or associations with breastfeeding.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 12:00

Fair enough, I'm not suggesting that random irrational gagging doesn't happen, I'm sure it's very real and has a psychological cause, and you would know all about it.

I'm also pretty sceptical that the OP's DH has this affliction.

billy1966 · 06/02/2023 12:11

Beetlewings · 05/02/2023 19:32

Congrats you now have two babies

This.

What an utter moron.

Make sure you return to work after mat leave.

I wouldn't bet on him.

Suedomin · 06/02/2023 12:14

You are not over reacting or being unreasonable . He is the one with the problem not you.
If he is going to be a good father to your child he needs to grow up fast.

Fixyourself · 06/02/2023 12:45

Milk from a human to feed human baby- bad
Milk from a cows teat made to feed a calf- good
The world has gone mad!

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/02/2023 12:47

I have the same experience as dollymixtured - the things I gag and retch at are not necessarily things I think are disgusting in any rational manner.

I gag at fish smells - I would LOVE to eat fish, pictures of cooked fish often look delicious, I do eat Scampi... but could not eat any other fish/shellfish/crustacean without gagging and cannot smell it without gagging.

I don't think fish are disgusting - I keep fish and I have no issues with fish as food as a general concept.

Just one example, there are loads but actually very few of the things that trigger my gag reflex are things I also think are disgusting (dribble/snot are pretty gross but surely everyone thinks the same there even if it doesn't make them gag).

There are also some very odd inconsistencies - I can squeeze pus out of an abcess on one of my pets with no bother, even if it stinks, gory wounds fascinate me (though the metallic smell of a large amount of blood does make me retch), I can clean up dog poo, grab a dog with a shitty bum and wipe it, wipe my dribbly dogs face (though, thats taken a while and if he gets a stringy goober on me I panic and retch a lot!)...

Curious to know if the OP's husband has this gag reflex triggered by other things or just this.

Devoutspoken · 06/02/2023 15:15

Presumably the fish wouldn't know it makes you want to puke, kinda different scenario

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/02/2023 15:44

It wouldn't matter if it did or not, I can't switch off the retching and gagging if the fish is offended and takes it personally.

'Oh I am sorry this involuntary and uncontrollable reaction offends you, I'll just stop... I hadn't thought of simply stopping before, despite the fact it is embarrassing, uncomfortable, unpleasant and often pisses people off and makes my life fucking awkward at times'.

I (and most people I know who suffer this) try to minimise it, remove ourselves, apologise for it, but sometimes a new thing will trigger it we had no inkling would be an issue.

When people react as many in this thread have - with accusations of fakery, rudeness, attacks and suggestions of bullying and assault even - it can be quite difficult and upsetting to explain it ISN'T an insult or personal attack, it IS uncontrollable and we're really sorry.

slashlover · 06/02/2023 17:13

There are also some very odd inconsistencies - I can squeeze pus out of an abcess on one of my pets with no bother, even if it stinks, gory wounds fascinate me (though the metallic smell of a large amount of blood does make me retch), I can clean up dog poo, grab a dog with a shitty bum and wipe it, wipe my dribbly dogs face (though, thats taken a while and if he gets a stringy goober on me I panic and retch a lot!)...

I scooped poo from my cat's litter tray and cleaned out pee on a regular basis, as she got older I mopped pee from beside the tray on the odd occasion she missed.
When a child peed on the floor at the shop I used to work at, I gagged and was physically sick.

Clearly I have no aversion to pee and poo but for some reason that really got to me.

When I had an infection in my neck where I had to clean the pus and change the dressing, I just got on with it an did it. I can't watch any of those pimple popper shows without gagging, there's even a cartoon advert on some of the mobile games I play for a pimple popper game which I have to look away from.

It's quite random.

phoenixrosehere · 06/02/2023 18:46

ShakespearesBlister · 05/02/2023 20:23

You've obviously never met my OH.

Show quote history

Ok and..?

I think OP’s OH could react better, gag reflex or not. It’s one thing to gag and what not but the words following that he says to OP are what makes him ridiculous.

There are certain scents that make me automatically gag but I don’t make a whole drama act of showing it and making unnecessary comments.

FurAndFeathers · 06/02/2023 21:30

dollymixtured · 06/02/2023 11:40

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and answer you query. It is absolutely not a pleasant feeling but the trigger is not necessarily something ‘disgusting’ or something I feel revulsion or otherwise have negative feelings towards. As a PP said it is not really rational so the fact that the OP partner is gagging is not IMO indicative that he has any particular negative feelings toward or associations with breastfeeding.

Show quote history

What about his words?
do you think they might be a hint?
🙄

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2023 03:07

Ok, his words, well so far all we know from the OP is:

"I asked what that was about and he just said it's so weird that that's come from you " (my bold)

"I just grabbed the only thing I had which was a glass and let it go in there. I went to tip it down the sink and he started dry heaving and saying no why is your milk in there' ( my bold).

I don't see how either statement is automatically anything nasty, shaming, derogatory etc.

We have no idea how he said it, we have no idea how she said anything, we've no idea if this is exactly what was said or paraphrasing.

Theres plenty of stuff that we accept in theory as perfectly fine, normal, natural, but when we see it in person, it throws us - many bodily functions in fact, how many people have been totally grossed out by seeing a baby emerging the birth canal? I bet plenty and many of them women.

If I were retching over breastmilk and someone put it in a glass I associate with drinking out of, I probably would find that made matters worse and might well clumsily ask 'argh what did you put it in there for', between retches.

I might be panicking a lot if I had never considered that breastmilk in this context would make me retch (I don't know, feel fine typing about it but I've never seen it squirt out of someones boob or expressed into a glass directly from the boob so I really cannot say!) and so it came as a nasty shock!

OR yes he could be taking the piss and being a total wankpuffin, we simply don't know as the OP has not been back and probably won't be.

FurAndFeathers · 07/02/2023 08:07

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2023 03:07

Ok, his words, well so far all we know from the OP is:

"I asked what that was about and he just said it's so weird that that's come from you " (my bold)

"I just grabbed the only thing I had which was a glass and let it go in there. I went to tip it down the sink and he started dry heaving and saying no why is your milk in there' ( my bold).

I don't see how either statement is automatically anything nasty, shaming, derogatory etc.

We have no idea how he said it, we have no idea how she said anything, we've no idea if this is exactly what was said or paraphrasing.

Theres plenty of stuff that we accept in theory as perfectly fine, normal, natural, but when we see it in person, it throws us - many bodily functions in fact, how many people have been totally grossed out by seeing a baby emerging the birth canal? I bet plenty and many of them women.

If I were retching over breastmilk and someone put it in a glass I associate with drinking out of, I probably would find that made matters worse and might well clumsily ask 'argh what did you put it in there for', between retches.

I might be panicking a lot if I had never considered that breastmilk in this context would make me retch (I don't know, feel fine typing about it but I've never seen it squirt out of someones boob or expressed into a glass directly from the boob so I really cannot say!) and so it came as a nasty shock!

OR yes he could be taking the piss and being a total wankpuffin, we simply don't know as the OP has not been back and probably won't be.

So you’re suggesting he has an involuntary reaction that resulted in him telling his wife its weird she’s producing breast milk to feed her baby?

but you don’t think that’s an unpleasant comment?

so you think it’s perfectly fine to tell breastfeeding mothers that them feeding/producing milk is weird?

I think it’s pretty rude and unpleasant myself, and not behaviour I’d be defending.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2023 17:37

I'm sure it was taken as an unpleasant comment.

But no I am not sure it was intended as one. I might well describe something as weird if it makes my brain feel odd and that feeling is unexpected. As I went to some lengths to describe in my previous post.

But you like others are determined that this man is obviously being a grade A cunt, because there is no possible other answer here.

FurAndFeathers · 07/02/2023 18:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2023 17:37

I'm sure it was taken as an unpleasant comment.

But no I am not sure it was intended as one. I might well describe something as weird if it makes my brain feel odd and that feeling is unexpected. As I went to some lengths to describe in my previous post.

But you like others are determined that this man is obviously being a grade A cunt, because there is no possible other answer here.

Where on earth did I say that?
Confused

but whatevs - you clearly know him best and are determined to defend him against his partner who actually lives with him 🤷‍♀️

you’ve very clearly decided to blame a new mum for taking offence when her partner tells her that her feeding their newborn is weird.

Mumsnet,
Make parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support.

yeah, right 🙄

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 19:08

I reckon rather than diagnose the OP's OH with a syndrome he's presumably never displayed prior to this moment, (or OP would have recognised what was going on and not written the post) we can agree that

I don't need him gagging all the time and making me feel disgusting just for feeding my child. He's saying I'm over reacting

is not a massively helpful behaviour for a partner of someone who's a week into breastfeeding, and in answer to her question, she is definitely not being unreasonable, at all.

JudgeRudy · 07/02/2023 20:19

It's an unusual reaction but I'd imagine it's not one he has control over, well certainly the gag reflex. Maybe he can give you a wide birth or at least some distance when you're feeding. He may squirm at this but he most definitely doesnt need to voice it. I guess we all have certain things that give us the ick at an almost primeval level. I know I do....but I don't necessarily share them.
BTW....being very nosey here, but how does this effect your sex life? It did impact on ours because my husband did not want a mouth/face full of milk. Even light stroking caused leakage. Whilst it's 'perfectly natural' I found it incredibly difficult to swith from boobs being for baby then for sex. In the end we just 'left them out' of our sex life. I didn't breast feed my second child.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/02/2023 03:09

I don't agree that 'support' necessarily means piling in to agree that the OP's husband must be a nasty minded, immature fucker who hates women.

Some of us who actually experience uncontrollable strong gag reflexes have tried to make it clear, we can gag at things we DON'T think are disgusting at all, but our bodies disagree and theres fuck all we can do about it. It really isn't personal.

It should go without saying the OP and her husband need to talk, and yes he should try to minimise it and leave the room/be as quiet as possible - but then some people would be outraged that he leaves the room each time something triggers his gag reflex, and would find that offensive.