Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my child the complete truth

205 replies

Pineapple2023 · 05/02/2023 18:09

People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

OP posts:
StonyPedro · 05/02/2023 18:14

Ah, this came up in my friendship group recently.

The child (12yo) ended up very upset with the mum for choosing a rubbish dad for her. So you might end up with some further difficult questions from your child.

Ultimately the mum was the only person present for the child to be angry with, and the child ended up very resentful of her mum for choosing bad men.

KickAssMumma · 05/02/2023 18:14

Difficult one. I’m going to be in same position though I’m a fair way off it yet- baby due in may and his dad is an utterly useless piece of shit. Total wanker. Has done nothing for this baby at all- I have to scrimp and fight for every single thing. To make sure baby has all he needs and it’s killing me off in the process. It’s hard. But what would I tell mine, if this continues? It’s hard to say. It’s a hard balance to strike between honesty and too much information for the child. I’m sorry I have no real answer!

Aprilx · 05/02/2023 18:15

I don’t care about Santa and Easter bunnies, but to be honest I think telling a three year old that their father isn’t interested in them is cruel yes. I would do something more gentle and let them find this out for themselves in due course.

KickAssMumma · 05/02/2023 18:15

@StonyPedro

yep there is that too- the issue of what your kid is gonna think of you. (And me) it’s not easy at all. Sorry you’re going through it

Comedycook · 05/02/2023 18:18

It's not about sugar coating anything..it's about explaining things in an age appropriate way.

BrewandBiscuit · 05/02/2023 18:19

Something like, mummy had terrible decision making skills when it comes to fathers for my children

CannonCaboodle · 05/02/2023 18:19

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but you sound a little unbalanced.
Your child is a child and you stand to give him lots of mental health issues and feelings of worthlessness/hopelessness in the future by giving him the whole truth at such a young age. Why would you do that to him? Why would you harm his mental health? Sounds like you want to get back at your partner and in doing so don’t mind hurting and mentally harming your poor child.

When he’s young I’d tell him something less harmful for his developing confidence and self esteem. As he grows older he’ll see the truth for himself. Sorry, OP, but YABU.

Original poster
Pineapple2023 · 05/02/2023 18:21

Like I said I'm not going to turn round and call their dad a twat, it will be age related as I have done with the older 2 kids , I hate the fact that this is the situation and trust me when I say I've tried resolving it many times. But I just don't see why I should be nice about someone who doesn't give a fuck about them or their feelings 🤷

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 05/02/2023 18:22

I think so long as it's phrased in a way that makes it clear it isn't the child's fault, honesty is the best way.

DSD's mother wasn't too great, she was an alcoholic who drank herself to death and she neglected DSD. There's no real way of making that 'ok'. We've made it clear it was her problem and nothing DSD had done or not done.

Some situations are just shit and there's no way of presenting it that will make it 'unshit'. Maybe play up what your child DOES have instead.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/02/2023 18:23

Ime those who sugar coat twat df's are setting dc up for a big shock. My exh did such a great job of disgusting his abuse of his dc when they were young when he died recently got huge DAD tattoos. When those memories resurface it will be awful for them...

Ludo19 · 05/02/2023 18:24

You don't have to be nice about your xhoice in men you've had children with but if you give a fuck about them and their feelings you'll explain it in a much less harmful way.

You sound quite resentful of your 3yr olds father. Stop projecting your feelings.

Can2022getanyworse · 05/02/2023 18:24

Don't. Just don't.

I'm a big believer in need-to-know and age-appropriate though. My kids stopped seeing their dad age about 9 and 6 (after a very abusive marriage and 3 years of decreasing contact from dad). I was very strongly advised to just say 'I don't know why dad's not seeing you' or 'let's ask him next time he calls' etc.

It's not your place to push your anger onto your kid's impression of their dad. I do get it, I really do.

It took my kids a few years to figure out the truth and now they're not bothered about him at all.

Let them come to their own conclusions, without your influence.

Original poster
Pineapple2023 · 05/02/2023 18:24

It sounds like you're obviously very judgmental
My older kids dad was my childhood sweetheart and wasn't mentally ill at the time. And my youngest child's dad seemed like the doting father to his other 3 kids and only seemed to change after I became pregnant becoming extremely abusive both physically and emotionally .

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 05/02/2023 18:26

BrewandBiscuit · 05/02/2023 18:19

Something like, mummy had terrible decision making skills when it comes to fathers for my children

Indeed.

JizzlordTheCat · 05/02/2023 18:27

You would be doing this for your benefit, not the child’s so YABU.

Johnnysgirl · 05/02/2023 18:28

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/02/2023 18:23

Ime those who sugar coat twat df's are setting dc up for a big shock. My exh did such a great job of disgusting his abuse of his dc when they were young when he died recently got huge DAD tattoos. When those memories resurface it will be awful for them...

How did he disguise his abuse? Confused. And if it actually happened, how could anyone have sugar coated it? Put a stop to it, certainly 🤷🏻‍♀️ Did you?

purpleme12 · 05/02/2023 18:28

Can2022getanyworse · 05/02/2023 18:24

Don't. Just don't.

I'm a big believer in need-to-know and age-appropriate though. My kids stopped seeing their dad age about 9 and 6 (after a very abusive marriage and 3 years of decreasing contact from dad). I was very strongly advised to just say 'I don't know why dad's not seeing you' or 'let's ask him next time he calls' etc.

It's not your place to push your anger onto your kid's impression of their dad. I do get it, I really do.

It took my kids a few years to figure out the truth and now they're not bothered about him at all.

Let them come to their own conclusions, without your influence.

This.
100 per cent

Choconut · 05/02/2023 18:29

Pineapple2023 · 05/02/2023 18:21

Like I said I'm not going to turn round and call their dad a twat, it will be age related as I have done with the older 2 kids , I hate the fact that this is the situation and trust me when I say I've tried resolving it many times. But I just don't see why I should be nice about someone who doesn't give a fuck about them or their feelings 🤷

Because it's for their benefit, they are half of that person. Tell them that you don't know why he doesn't see them, but say that he is missing out hugely and that you are so lucky to have them. Telling them he is no good will lead to them thinking they must be not much good either. Turn it round into a positive every time about how lucky you are and how great they are, don't make it a negative for them.

Did you not grow up with the wonder of Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny? I did it for my kids because it was magical and wonderful for me. It sounds like maybe you didn't have that experience to then pass on to your kids.

Greyfelt · 05/02/2023 18:29

It will be easier for the child to accept if you tell them very young and in a matter of fact way.

Ponderingwindow · 05/02/2023 18:30

Age appropriate but truthful is always my approach. For us it is extended family and I have never lied to dc about why contact with some members is limited, but I don’t give more detail than I think the child needs or is ready for. I don’t want it to be a surprise where I sit the child down one day and relay the necessary information.

Original poster
Pineapple2023 · 05/02/2023 18:30

Not at all this is the last thing I wanted to come of this. I have tried everything in my power to build a relationship up between them but he just isn't interested so now I'm at the stage where he's 3 and going to start asking questions. I'm not going to tell a 3 year old the ins an outs just not going to lie and say he's just nipped out for some milk or some bullshit story that they later will find out to be a lie 🤔

OP posts:
Greyfelt · 05/02/2023 18:30

Just answer any questions factually, without making a big deal out of it.

cupofbeanslike · 05/02/2023 18:30

JizzlordTheCat · 05/02/2023 18:27

You would be doing this for your benefit, not the child’s so YABU.

That true, yes.

AngelDelightUK · 05/02/2023 18:38

“Sadly he’s not as nice as I first thought” something like that would work

Can2022getanyworse · 05/02/2023 18:48

Greyfelt · 05/02/2023 18:29

It will be easier for the child to accept if you tell them very young and in a matter of fact way.

And your experience of telling young children life-changing information is what, exactly?

Need to know and age appropriate. No 3 year old needs to hear mum's explanation that their dad is a twat (even if he is, my ex certainly is, but he's their dad, so no, it's not the best way to tell them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread