To tell my child the complete truth

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People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

Couldn't agree more pinky's advice is exactly what needs to be done

I can only go on my own experience..

We left my ex before Ds was 1.. He was abusive. We left for my Ds's safety.

I took the approach i wouldn't lie but need to know i wouldn't abandon him.

I was very vague.. he kept coming back with questions..i told him more and more. As a teenager it turns out he thought he didn't see his dad as we didn't get on.

I told him why i had needed to protect him. Why i would need it to go to court if he ever wanted to see him and my Ds would be considered old enough to decide if thats what he wants once decided if it was safe.

I don't know if I did it right. I did my best.

What’s best for your child is what you need to do.
So don’t say anything that makes them feel bad about themselves - and finding out your Dad is vile is not going to do anything for your self esteem.
And talking about Santa and the tooth fairy is a lovely part of childhood. I think it’s very sad that you see it as lying.

@Can2022getanyworse For your information I did have to give my DCs difficult information when they were very young. I read up beforehand on how to do it. The very strong advice was to be honest from as soon as the DCs started to ask questions, but answering the questions in a way that they could understand. It is much easier to accept something if you feel that you have always known about it. And a culture of dishonesty in the family can have bad consequences. OP doesn't have to say that her ex is a twat, but she can explain from the outset that he decided not to live with them or to stay in touch, and she doesn't really know why, and emphasise (not necessarily in the same conversation) that the child was a wonderful baby.

As long as you are factual it’s fine. Don’t offer so much of your own emotions, hurt or feelings though.
Say you tried to make more contact, but he hasn’t responded. Say your boy was a planned and wanted baby and you are so happy to have him, but his dad has chosen to do xyz instead. Just be matter of fact. Your child is loved and wonderful, but sometimes adults make bad decisions that can’t be explained. Tell him about the other wonderful people he has in his life and what a loss it must be not to know him

What you want to try to avoid, if possible, is the child fantasising about their wonderful dad who will be coming back for them some day.

YABVU

No you absolutely do not tell them.

All it would serve to do is to confuse them and make them feel inadequate and unworthy/compare themselves with other kids who have good dads that are with their mums.

Children can also blame themselves for not being good enough for their fathers to have stayed.

Wait a long and choose your words very carefully.

At the end of the day it was your bad choice, not your childs, so be sensitive.

You don’t need to make anything up, just answer questions sensitively as they arise.

YABU and really, sounds like you are only doing it for you not because you think it's 'best' for your child. You really think they have the maturity to process something like that? I would never, ever risk a 3/4/5 year old somehow internalising it into being 'their' fault.
I get that you're pissed but you chose him. You thought he was the father your child deserved 🤷‍♀️

FWIW, I've been in this very position. I did NOT tell her the score and neither did her siblings. He came back into her life around 8 and now, at 17 she has chosen not to have a relationship with him. I'm so glad I let her figure it out herself.

Learning to lie is an important skill. I know as parents we often focus of truthfulness, but the reality is that being too truthful is rude in our society.

A good example is that we teach dc to graciously receive presents, even when they don't like them. Not to tell if they think their art is bad. All sorts of things.

So the rule dc need to learn is about when to lie and when not to. It isn't as easy as being truthful all the time. So I don't really buy this as a reason for avoiding the common santa-type childhood lies.

That said, I think it is fine to decide not to santa, just don't dress it up as having some sort of moral basis. It is a choice each family gets to make.

I completely agree about the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas - there is no lying in this house either!

However, there is a difference between not lying and protecting people's feelings. In the same way that you wouldn't tell somebody that their new haircut was shit, even if it's objectively the truth, you shouldn't tell a three year old that their dad doesn't care about them.

Whether you like it or not, 50% of your child's DNA comes from the twat. Children can easily feel criticised themselves if you criticise their other parent. Plus it's horrible for their self esteem if they feel rejected or feel that there's something unlovable about themselves.

It might be helpful to look at resources for adoptive parents talking about children's families of origin. There are plenty of non-blaming, age-appropriate ways of talking about the poor decisions of a parent.

I completely agree about the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas - there is no lying in this house either!

So if your young dc shows you a typical piece of childhood art, you actually tell them it isn't very good?

I bet you lie. It is absolutely normal to lie in many situations.

I would genuinely be interested to meet a parent who has never lied ever to a child

Assuming this is from genuine interest and not a dig...

I tell them I love it (it's true! I love their art). I tell them that it makes me smile to see it. I often display it. There is no need to lie.

I obviously don't say that it's objectively brilliant, the line work is amazing, it belongs at The Met. Why would I say that? It would be strange and they would probably know that I was lying, then become discouraged. The objective skill of their artwork isn't the reason I like it, and it would be weird if I said it was.

It's not about being nice about him, it's about doing what is best for your children.
I have read that a child hearing one parent rubbishing another, internalises as that parent is part of them.. the whole truth is not necessary yet at this age.

My parents had a very acrimonious divorce and were both unkind about one another at the time. It hurt so much!
Once the dust settled, they reached a place of mutual respect and the relief on my part was immense.
In adulthood, I have worked out that my dad, who is now dead and whom I adored, had some serious flaws which would have made my mum's life really difficult. I am so grateful that she never felt the need to share this with me when I was younger; I wouldn't have known how to process it. I now have the adult capacity to keep two truths in mind at once; I loved my dad and he was a flawed person. I told my mum recently how grateful I was that she'd acted with my best interest at heart and not tainted my perception of my dad when I was little by 'telling the truth' about him. It was a very healing conversation.

Yes we probably all do lie. My DF has skin cancer. I've told my DS 10 that the has a sore caused by the sun, which he does, which they'll remove. Absolutely no need to sayers cancer and I won't mention it at all to my younger ds. Lying by omission perhaps. Quite happy it is the right thing to do.

Why's that so crazy when you see how people blame women for men turning out to be shit husbands and fathers?

Well said @Pinkyxx

Denying children the joy and magic of Father Christmas and Easter bunny or anything else that brings happiness is cruel. We all tell lies, mostly because we don't want to hurt/ be mean/ cruel to those we love.

It might be helpful to look at resources for adoptive parents talking about children's families of origin. There are plenty of non-blaming, age-appropriate ways of talking about the poor decisions of a parent.

I was going to say exactly this. My adopted DS has no memories of his birth family. I explain things age appropriately - when he was very little, I'd say his first parents didn't do very good choosing, and didn't know how to look after children well and keep them safe. That's true, and age appropriate. I could have said they were violent drug addicts who risked DSs life when he was a few weeks old - also true, but not age appropriate. Telling the truth age appropriately is not sugar coating.

OP please don’t say this, do not put yourself down, you’ve done nothing wrong, do not take the blame for your child’s father being a shit.

I was advised never to speak badly about my ex and let my child make their own decision as they get older.

My ex didn't make contact with our child and that has spoke volumes.

However, in the meantime you will be asked questions. I just said that we didn't get on and he wasn't always very kind. I didn't say any more.

By the time they were a teen they didn't want to see their father anyway. They were hurt though by the fact their father hadn't tried to see them.

My "child" is now an adult and has asked more details. It's only now they know more of the ins and outs!

Read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You DI'd). There's a chapter about this subject. But in short, no, it's not a good idea to tell a three year old the truth.
That book also covers the whole honesty expectation very well and I really recommend you read it. Telling your children they should always be honest with you and putting so much emphasis on that is putting too much pressure. Kids lie. Like you did to your parents I'm sure. It's part of growing up Teenagers lie. Adults lie. It's about making sure that they tell you about the things that matter.

My opinion will not be popular but I also hail from a pretty fucked up family. My dad used to beat my mother and my sisters and myself. My mother used to tell the white lie that “he only does it because he loves you and doesn’t want you to go to hell.” so what did I learn? That the people who love us beat us and love is an unpleasant thing and that dads scream, yell, slap, name call and punch their kids and that’s normal and that’s how good christian’s protect their kids.

Had a lot of really really fucked up relationships because of it and had a big fall out with my mother for a few years before we mended things.

I do think there should be a gentle touch on this though. No unnecessary details. Honestly if he isn’t asking there’s no need to say anything. But I come from the belief that if they’re old enough to wonder and ask then they’re old enough to hear the truth even if it’s painful. I do think there needs to be a timeline on withholding the truth in the event that they don’t ask. Just never telling them isn’t acceptable and will not protect them. Once they turn 13 they’re pretty self aware and hiding facts will only fester pre-existing problems.

Just be very matter of fact.

You sound like one of those parents who has a parenting philosophy and is quite smug about it.

The Santa stuff is pretty different to ‘lying’. It is more keeping a tradition going. Of course you don’t have to ‘lie’ to your kids. But I don’t think that many kids are traumatised by that particular myth, and many enjoy the idea for years. Benefits outright the cons.

No need to share your anger about this man with your three year old. That’s what you are doing with your ‘plan’.