To tell my child the complete truth

[Pineapple2023]

People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

If a woman has several children with more than one unsuitable father then some of the answers lie closer to home yes.

You're going to tell a 3 year old his/her father wants the 3 older children, but not him/her?

I don't think this is just about wanting to be honest with your child. It does honestly sound like there are punitive/vengeful motivations on your part.

I totally get not giving your child false hope, and giving them a neutral or even slightly harsh answer, but to rub it in to that extent does suggest some other motivations.

I understand that poster's point. OP believes in the school of harsh realities after all. It's true that if OP had made better decisions, OP's child might have a functional father. However, it's simply not necessary or helpful to say any of this, especially if it will lead OP to blame herself. OP can't turn back time at this stage. Anyway, bad choices aside, the main blame lies with the father.

In the same vein, it's really not necessary or helpful to tell a 3 year old about stuff he/she can't control. The main blame lies with the father, but especially at this age, the child can't process that. The only possible outcome is that the child grows up with deeply internalised self-blame for being rejected.

Just tell them in kind and neutral terms the bare minimum they need to know (that there's no hope of establishing contact). No need for the mother to give spiteful details just to turn the child against the father. The child will only turn against himself or herself internally.

Adult problems should B be just that. Kids will always want a relationship with their absent parent and when that doesn’t happen (whatever the reason) they are going to look for someone to blame because children naturally blame themselves.

They blame themselves for what they can’t control and as they grow they want to take hold (rightfully so) of their reality.

I credit you as a parent who doesn’t enjoy the BS so that children don’t believe in what is universally known as not real, just they can come to the cruel realization that these characters (Easter bunny blah blah) are fake.

But you can’t go saying anything about their father no matter how shit he is because that is their father! Their father! How would you feel at your age if I dropped VERY upsetting truths on you about your father? You’d feel some kinda way… and you’re and adult. Think about it.

But op said she wanted to tell her child the whole truth, and part of that truth is that she has made some questionable choices.

when you say you want to tell your child everything that means everything.

But you should give a fuck about your child’s feelings

Not to denigrate your experience , but I am sure "keeping it real" begins with telling the child why/how you let yourself get knocked up by someone so useless , no?

My DD13 hasn't seen or heard from her dad since she was 3. She has occasionally asked. I tell her he is not very good at caring about other people.

The fact he is an abusive, sociopathic narcissist and is in prison is not something she needs to know yet.

There is truth, then there is another way of telling the truth.

I think it's two different fathers?

Also, here is another harsh truth OP. I promise I'm not just saying this to be nasty – it's relevant and you're an adult able to process it.

If you tell your child all these horrible details now, they have a higher likelihood of ending up like you down the road (multiple poor relationship choices, and possibly limited life options). Growing up knowing in great detail that you're unlovable and unwanted by your parent, especially from the age of 3 (!), is a surefire way to guarantee you jump into bed with trash. You can break the generational cycle now. If you want to get all the horrible emotions off your chest, vent on MN or to someone else, not to your 3 year old.

That said, I also understand why you think it's unfair to "cover" for a deadbeat dad. I would tell the child when their brains and emotions are more developed. Ideally they would be able to process and understand simultaneous truths (dad doesn't want me and only wants his own kids, BUT that doesn't mean I am fundamentally unloveable), maybe as an older teen or adult.

@dogdaydown not referring to OP's older kids, but the second father's own kids

If the father is that much of a twat then they will find out themselves anyway.
I remember my son thanking me when he was an adult for never bad mouthing his dad He found out for himself and was impressed that I had held back and let him build his own relationship or non-relationship with him. We had a very open and long conversation about all the things and he said how incredibly grateful he was for me not being an arsehole and letting the actual arsehole speak for himself.
You don't need to sugarcoat things but keep your darkest thoughts to yourself. It is not necessary to be brutal about a person's parent unless they're Charles Manson or something...and that I doubt.

Well I don't know what decade you are living I because that doesn't happen in my world!

The world is changing, women aren't always to blame for everything but good to know you still think they are and are encouraging that narrative.

I think a simple 'He chose not to be involved' would do if and when they ask. I would follow that up with lots of love and comments about how amazing you think they are. I think you need to be careful not to rob your children of a happy foundation with all your truth speaking. Kids are forming their mindsets and thought processes for the rest of their lives. Children who feel unloved by a parent or abandoned by a parent can be more likely to develop mental health problems as they grow up. There's a fine line between not sugar coating it and breaking their hearts op. Most parents tell a few fibs just to protect their children's innocence.

My mum always told us our father was not a nice man and that's why we didn't see him or get cards and presents etc. He was an abusive husband and I'm sure would have been an abusive dad

I met him once after she died and she was right. He is a twat.

Yes, lying to children about the Easter Bunny is the root of all evil and those parents that lie to their children definitely bring up children that become pathological liars themselves!

Where back in reality, the truth hurts! Every one of us tells small lies and untruths on a daily basis. Without them, we would find it very difficult to negotiate our social and professional lives successfully.

I have a friend who finds lying difficult and seems to pride herself on her ability to speak the truth and not lie. But really, she has a hard time socially and is probably on the autistic spectrum- often offending people and not seeing when the truth would best be spared.

The ability to lie successfully is actually an important developmental milestone in children and although parents find their child's lies difficult to deal with and upset by them, it's not something we should really be punishing them for.

Why are you having children with these men? I think you should speak to a therapist to discuss your issues. What will you tell your children when they ask why you had children with men not fit to be a father?

@Pineapple2023 OP will you teach your child to tell the truth when they receive a gift they don’t like? Or will you tell them to lie and say they like it and are happy with the gift?

Are you grateful for presents you dislike? Or are you one of those ‘I tell it like it is’ sorts?

I think it is better to be honest in an age appropriate way. I have been honest when my son has asked question about what's on TV (political stuff, cost of living). I have told him that much of the time you can't just be a footballer, millionaire or any other well paid job, as you have decreasing social mobility to deal with in the UK, so it is harder for a family like ours and he will have to work harder. I think personal relationships are harder to navigate and you need to be extra sensitive. Something like 'some fathers aren't very good at being a parent as they haven't grown up yet themselves, so they might not be around much'. Don't lie, but don't let your own feelings come across. They have to come to their conclusions themselves.

There's a time and a place and aged 3 is not it.

Also, YABU not letting them have the fun and excitement of Santa....there's telling lies and then there's just being OTT.

Sorry I misunderstood

Thats your child's flesh and blood you're talking about. If you tell your dc that his dad is horrible then the kid will inevitably internalise it and tell himself that he comes from badness or there is a bad part to him