To tell my child the complete truth

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People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

What would you consider an appropriate way to frame it?

As they get older though won't they think. But you chose to make a baby with them and resent you for that?

My mum and dad are divorced and the best of friends. Even 30 years later and I bloody love them so much for it. They were so grown up and adult about the divorce and it never once caused me any anguish. Not once and I wish more people could experience what I did because it was as good as it gets.

Because your view and opinion on your ex being a twat (or however you want to phrase it) - is not a fact. It's your opinion.

And while he does sound like a twat, it's still just an opinion. You can have awful people who do great things, you can have a wonderful person who does something awful.

No one is all one thing. Your ex is just who he is to you.

So if you want to tell your child about him, you have to root it in fact.

I've spent a lifetime hearing my Mum bash my Dad and tell me what an arsehol he is. It's really messed with my head as an adult to be honest. I now see things a different way and feel like she fed me lies, or maybe not lies - but 'her' truth - rather than THE truth.

There's a difference between not lying and putting adult problems on little shoulders.

"Your dad turned out not to be a good person or good dad, I'm sorry for that but I'm not sorry that he gave me the most incredible little boy."

Honestly it is not hypocritical to allow your children the joy of believing in Santa, Easter Bunny etc

I’ve never heard a child use that as a reason to lie EVER

Also you seem quite happy to criticise your ex yet have you looked at your own role in that?

As in said ‘mummy was so dumb to pick such a man to have kids with’ mummy failed there’ blah blah

You seem so keen to point out the failures in others that you have not looked and analysed your own decisions that have led you to this predicament. You are responsible for having that child with that man

however it is not helpful to your child to talk this man down - you can tell the truth in an age and stage appropriate way and that’s what people usually do with Santa - ie when the kid gets to a certain age

Yes this, and it’s nothing at all to do with white lies about Easter Bunnies. It’s about managing their emotional development. They have a crap father, that’s already bad, they do not need you to add to that pain by giving them more than they can handle.

It sounds like your have a lot on your plate OP, and that you are doing a great job, but in this area I think (understandable) rage is making you a bit teenage. You have to be the adult here, however infuriating it may be.

When I got divorced someone said this to me, "If you tell your kids there dad is rubbish remember they are half him, if he does the same remember they are half you. That makes them rubbish." I never said a bad word about him and as far as I know he never said anything bad about me.

Âge appropriate truth always. Never lie to your kids. If you are saying your dads great and he's plainly not you are just causing them far greater issues. And answer their questions honestly too.

And when they come back saying Dad said.....,Ask them what they think based on their experience. They're not stupid as long as their not being lead up the garden path.

You’re not being nice for his sake OP, but for your child.

Its hard. I would not lie, but I wouldn't speak the harsh truth either.
My mum pretended my dad was decent. I could see he was a total waste of space by about 8 years old. I could have done with being told this was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to change him.

I've told mine (between 3 and 6) that sometimes grown ups don't always make good choices. And that right now daddy has been making bad choices and that's why he doesn't see them. I say it doesn't mean they're not loved, just that even grown ups can be very wrong and in the end it is him that misses out

Surely the truth in this situation is that you don't know why he isn't around. That's what I'd go with.

I've always tried to be honest but age appropriate. Kids accept very little as an explanation.

I've only really just recently had to explain it a bit more but DD is 12 and asked so I was honest (again age appropriately). Am I ever going to tell her he said he didn't love her and I should have had an abortion (she was planned btw)? No because even at 30, 40 or 50 no kid ever reaches an age that they can brush that off.

I was going to say this.^ "I don't know" is an honest, age appropriate answer.

I just don't see why I should be nice about someone who doesn't give a fuck about them or their feelings

It's got nothing to do with being nice about dad.

It's about an age appropriate explanation that is suitable and nurturing for your child.

And yes that does mean sugar coating at age 3.

I don't lie to my children either.

But I wouldn't tell your child anything much.

My father was a terrible husband and father who left my mother (for a mutual friend) when she had a 1 year old and a 3 year old. And then cycled through another 4 women in 20 years. I saw him once a week, at whichever woman was on duty at the time's house when we were young, and then when we were teenagers for a quick meal out.

My mother never said a bad word about him. When I was 16, he had a heart attack and I built up a relationship with him. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best relationship he was ever able to have with anyone. He still let me down, repeatedly, but I saw it as his limitations and was able to live with it.

I am very glad she did not poison me against him. He died a few years later, and I have loving memories of him. I know him for what he was, but he was the best he could be with me (which was crap, but that's life). If my mother had poisoned me against him, I would probably not have been able to form the relationship I did form, and he would have died without my ever getting to know him. And I would have a big hole in my mind where he should have been.

It is not your child's fault that their father is crap. But you should stay out of their relationship and let them figure it out for themselves, whether today, in 10, 20 or 30 years' time.

Exactly

I told my daughter the truth about her dad. She moved in with him and told me to stop bad mouthing him!

There’s a reason why it says online to not do this, because a child sees it’s parents as an extension of itself. So if either parent is ‘bad’ then the child internalises that and think they are too. I’m not saying lie to your child and make up a story about him moving to America. But I think there is a way to go about it when they ask such as ‘Some families only have one mummy, some have two mummies, some have two daddies and one mummy and one daddy.’ Focusing on the different types of families can help your child accept their situation.
Highlight all the family he does have (aunties and uncles, grandparents maybe?) explain that not everyone has these and how lucky he is to have them.

Tell your kids about Santa or don't, it doesn't really matter, but when it comes to their dads it could be really damaging to their self esteem to be told the unvarnished truth if that means they feel completely rejected or grow up thinking that half of it what makes them who they are is trash. Santa and the Easter bunny don't reflect on them. Separated parents should try to paint the other parent in a positive light in front of their kids within reason because that parent is part of the child.

These responses are really helpful insight! So thank you all for that. Not the op or anything. Just nice to have views on it for when my boy starts asking me. Especially one pp who talks about her experience with her dad- this rings so true to my own experience in many ways. My dad is useless sometimes, but he does his best with what emotional tools he has available. My other family making me feel horrible for having a relationship with him didn’t help me at all. It made me feel horrible by proxy cos he was my dad. And still I chose him anyway so all it caused was anguish and pain for me for no reason at all. It can and is so so damaging and I don’t want to inflict that on my unborn because I made bad choices re his dad (and I did- he is useless and the warnings were there).

Personally I think depriving them of the magic of Father Christmas is a bit cruel and unnecessary and the moral argument a bit flawed.

But it’s not comparable to telling your 3 year old that their dad is a twat. You need to be a grown up, give the age appropriate response of “I don’t know” and let them draw their own conclusions as they grow. Don’t put your issues on your childrens shoulders when you have an option not to.

Yes this because it must ALWAYS BE THE WOMANS FAULT when men are shit.

I don't know if this is the same situation or not but when my ex husband walked out - out of the blue - and I had to tell my 6 year old - I didn't do the whole "mummy and daddy decided to be friends" bollocks. I kept my "name" firmly out of it. So I made it clear daddy wasn't happy and daddy was going to live somewhere else. That it wasn't what mummy wanted but it was daddy's decision. That it's ok to be sad or angry or upset because mummy is too. That me and her siblings were a new team.

Her siblings on the other hand....are far too young. Younger than your child OP. And actually the reason why he left was that he couldn't cope with them (twins). I won't ever be telling them the truth of that (or eldest)

So I think you can be truthful - to get the point across without (hopefully) causing too much pain

OP, I have been the child in this situation and am currently the mum going through the same.

DM didn’t sugar coat it for me. Whilst I was a child she kept the door open for my father and whenever I asked, she always said she didn’t know why he didn’t come. (She did, she was shielding me and I’m glad) When I was an adult, she explained properly.

When it comes to my kids, I do almost the same. I tell them that I don’t know why he isn’t present and try to explain to them that it isn’t anything to do with them, it’s just his thing to work through as I worry about it affecting their self-esteem.