To tell my child the complete truth

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People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

Do what you want as you don't seem particularly interested in hearing other people's opinions.

My husband knew from a young age that his dad didn’t want to see him, wasn’t respectful etc.
He was told a lot of things by his mum that he probably didn’t really need to know. He took up the role of ‘man of the house’.

He has carried this with him to his teenage years and adulthood. He is resentful and cross and had trouble with relationships because of the way his dad was portrayed.

yes, he might not have had the dad he wanted or deserved, but no… he didn’t need to be told ‘the truth’ at such a young age

If your youngest child doesn't see their father then just don't tell them anything. If they ask where their daddy is, just tell them he went away and maybe they'll see him when they are older.

Don't say anything negative because they will internalise it.

I never breathed a negative word about DC's father until DC was in his 20's, and even then I said very little other than the basics, he works the rest out himself based on his own knowledge of his father. And the reason I didn't was because it wasn't my place to poison the father / child relationship or hurt my DC like that.

I grew up with one parent being put down, and it just made me feel like if any part of me was at all like that parent, my other parent would hate me. It made me feel very insecure and defensive.

Wait until the question comes and answer it truthfully. That's how I dealt with a similar issue. NO he didn't live on the same street but he had sod all interest until he hooked up with a new partner a few years down the line.

suddenly i was getting messages from her - not him - he never cared and also denied fatherhood despite the baby being planned.

we had to get DNA tests done so I had to explain that somehow... plus the usual questions of #where's dadddy?

so now she wants nothing to do with him but i tried to keep my opinions on him out of it and just set an example for her and made sure she was provided for - as he certainly didn't

wish you luck!

I said I loved them enough for two parents. I then said we split up long before she was born (true I was pregnant) they it wasn’t related to her he wasn’t able to be a father to anyone. That he was offered full involvement but chose not to be. That’s he’s an adult and has to take responsibility for his decisions. That decision was not related to her - she didn’t exist at that point.

we had bred our dog the previous year and I pointed out all the puppies were given new loving homes at 8 weeks. That in life sometimes people have one mum, or one dad, or two grandparents etc

in my case this was built into the narrative from birth. It was accepted and not challenged. I never sort to blame her or me - it was his choice.

aged 16 she has no desire whatever to contact him - she says he was the adult, he was able to send birthday cards, find out who she was etc and he chose not to. She doesn’t miss what she has never had.

But “your dad is a twat” is not an objective fact is it? It is your (probably valid) opinion. I think it’s probably okay to tell children facts regarding the other parent when they ask, though not unsolicited. e.g. “he left, he doesn’t send money, he often got angry and lashed out”. It’s then up to the child as they grow-up to make their own mind up about that parent.

Tricky one but telling the child how bad the other person is leaves no room for reconciliation and forgiveness in the future.

I didn’t have a present Dad. I blamed myself, have some associated anxiety issues that involve not eating as a coping mechanism. I think you have to be very careful, a child does not see the relationship between mother and father they see their relationship with the parent. So if your child knows their father is not interested in them they might take that as rejection of them and that can have devastating consequences on their life, their relationships etc. Do what’s best for them, sugar coat all you can to protect them from the devastation of not being loved by their father. Good luck, and sorry he’s such a shit

Speaking from personal opinion, I resented my mum for telling me I wasn’t wanted by my dad and my dad was a waste of space etc etc. He did move away when I was young, but as soon as I was old enough I knew it was wrong that she consistently made me feel unwanted by him. I’m still dealing with resentment towards her and anxiety and feeling unwanted. No matter what, your kids feelings should be the first priority

Having been the child, I'd say don't be that blunt. My DF was an AH and my mum didn't sugar coat and my DF twisted things a little. DM would say DF isn't coming, he doesn't want to and he wouldn't but he would blame trains, buses, car break down anything. As the years passed we blamed our DM for stopping him, making it difficult etc especially as a teenager. It hit my DBs harder than me. It ruined DM's relationship with us. As we hit our 20s we realised the truth, my had never lied but by then it was too late 😪. It has never really recovered.

I wouldn't say anything until she starts asking questions. When she does, I suggest you say something like, "I think you will need to ask Daddy yourself when you're older. I tried to get him to have regular contact, however he wasn't able to"

Or

"Some daddy's just can't be around, and I don't know why."

It's better to leave it fairly loose ended. Children also need to know that sometimes there are no answers

This is exactly what should be said ^.

It's not about people judging you. The question was asked and people are giving their opinions on what you have said. You have a right to be angry with him and yourself. Certainly not with an innocent child who never asked to be born.
Was he still in a relationship with the mother of his other children when you became pregnant?
I just wondered if that's his reason for ignoring his child.

For sender above I did consult two child psychologists about this issue so wanted to share the advice they gave me which was not to badmouth your children's father even if he has behaved very badly. Doing this causes them emotional harm. Having been brought up by a parent who did this I can also testify first hand to the damage it does. Nobody is saying you should say he's a great guy if he isn't but let them figure out for themselves what their relationship with him is going to be.

The irony! So you don’t want to sugar coat anything and always insist on the cold harsh truth and yet when people here don’t tell you what YOU want to hear you don’t take it well at all?! Isn’t there a lesson in this for you?

YABU!!!!

I'm in the same position with my ex-husband and it's absolutely horrible for a child to hear that they are so unlovable that their own dad doesn't care about them. Think about what your revelations will do to your child and their self-esteem.

I remember this sort of conversation with my boys. I told them, "Your father is one of those sad people who haven't much to give others. You needed a gallon of love in your lives, and all he had was a teaspoon. It might have been the best he could do, but it was not enough. But your stepfather gave you a whole swimming pool full." When they were MUCH older, we had different conversations.

Why do you keep repeating that you won't tell your kid their dad nipped out to buy milk? Nobody actually tells their kid that. Even if you were just being facetious, it's a false dilemma that you've set up. In order to get proper advice, it would be helpful to be specific and honest about what you will and won't tell your kid.

Imagine how you would feel at your child’s age when you’re planning what to say. Mine are adults now and still see their father but have worked out for themselves his shortcomings without me filling their heads with it from a young age

How do you plan to explain to the child why you thought having a child with such a twat was a good idea? It's a bit like telling the child that they were not deserving of a decent father.

Some kids will suffer with self confidence if told their father was/ is bad. I knew one who felt he ( the child) must be at least partly like his horrible dad.

I grew up with courts giving my Dad access the eventually, courts got cancelled because of Mams laziness and I went to see him unsupervised. Contact was very hit and miss I don't really know what went on behind the scenes but eventually my Dad showed me his true colours. I decided at a young age that he wasn't going to be in my life.

I don't remember my Mam ever saying anything only the truth when I asked her about certain things my Dad said she done, like he would say, he picked my name and Mam didn't want it when this wasn't true. She never got angry and told me he's actually horrible until I was an adult and even then it was very hard to process but could be dealt with better than if I was a child.

Let your kid grow up and keep them out of your relationships or opinions, when they are older if he's really horrible, he will show them and then you can start the healing process with them.

Me me me. I I I.

Maybe take a step back and rather it all be about you and what you believe and how you think and how it affects you, maybe take just one minute to see it through the arsehole twat's child.

We all lie. Even you. If you tell yourself you don't, you're the worst kind of liar - a deluded, in denial liar.

Age appropriate truth can include white lies. Lying is a key developmental skill. It's an actual 'milestone' in charge of child development and requires multiple complex cognitive function. There's a reason it's so important. One of the most important is that it gives us the choice not to be cruel dicks.

You have 3 children - have you not learnt anything about child development, and child capacity to digest and understand and interpret information? Children don't need to know the truth about everything.

How would you child feel being made aware that their arsehole twat dad seemed to be perfect rather material until they came into the picture. I'm presuming with they'd be made aware of this - it is the truth, after all.

As for Christmas and Easter and all the other lies we tell our children - that's your choice. Your children won't thank you for it. If humans hadn't believed in magic, we wouldn't have science.

You isn't need to make out thier dad is a Saint, but at the same time, it's called brutal/hard/heartbreaking etc truth be use its just that. By all means if brutally breaking your children's hearts enables you to be OK, then that's all that matters.

Y O U L I E. We all lie.

I agree with this poster. Your children will find out about how their father is as they get older anyway and form their own opinion.... I'm not saying you should talk them up just don't talk their father down. Re Father Christmas and Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny/Fairy Tales etc its nice to have some type of escapism, life is hard enough as you get old its nice to have innocent beliefs when a young child.

I do agree with lots of what you are saying about telling children an age and developmentally appropriate version of the truth.

However, I think that effectively telling your son his dad isn’t a good person isn’t the right way to go. I think psychologically he could internalise this message negatively in two ways. One that his dad doesn’t want him, so there must be something wrong with him. Two, that if his dad is bad and he is partly made from his dad, he must be bad too.

i bet there are lots of resources from women’s aid ect that help explain to children why they can’t see absent fathers, I’d look into that

Think of the damage it could do to your child's self esteem to feel unwanted. I think you need to grow up abit...Will you also tell them you have seriously poor judgement and keep dropping your knickers to substandard men? Probably not...