To tell my child the complete truth

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People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn I am glad you said this. Why are single mums always blamed when men become shitty dads?

It couldn’t possibly be a man’s fault that… 🙄

Kindness is a more important and powerful quality than truth

Your posts make me sad.

You made your choices, I would answer direct questions I was asked but there is 2 sides would you also explain why on earth you chose these men?

Completely agree.

Agreed. Don't do this OP it could be so damaging.

My dad was as much of as waste of space as this guy sounds but my mum NEVER spoke badly of him once and always encouraged a relationship between us. I figured it out all by myself what kind of man my dad is, she never needed to speak a word and I'm forever grateful she held her tongue like she did. Had she tried to say stuff about my dad it would have only caused issues between us.

I protected my kids from most of the truths and then they just treat their dad like he is decent and good. They've had a bad experience with him recently and they are old enough to see through his lies and fake promises themselves but instead it was my fault for choosing an idiot (I do get mad at myself). They also say he can't help being useless lol so I guess I can't win. Im expected to be impeccable meanwhile he is excused.

I have looked into this - after many years of marriage I found out something about my ex husband which means he does not see the kids.
there is no way to sugar coat what he did. But the advice from various sources was to tell the truth in an age appropriate way BUT be wary that your children will view themselves as half their father, so will often take any criticism of the dad as an implied criticism of themselves. It’s a fine line, particularly in cases like mine where he did something so reprehensible that it can never be defended or explained. I very often just have to say that i don’t know why he did what he did.
i personally think you sound like you want to offload onto your kids how much of an ass their dad is. But that is not for their benefit. I’d try to be as honest as I could, but not offer more information or criticism than you have to.

Also, I've never once judged my mum for being with my dad, it's crazy that you even think your children will judge you for this

As someone with an absolute piece of human garbage as a birth father I think I'd have appreciated this approach from my mum more than the high ground she chose to take. I think for me always knowing he was a piece of shit would have been far easier than the death by a thousand cuts reveal I was exposed to over years. Even now in my 40s he still gets under my skin. I think if id have known from the off it would have been better for me.

I'm not sure how you'd say it in an age appropriate way but I don't believe it would be a bad thing at all. I'm pretty much the same with my kids and answer them as honestly as I can in a way I think they'll understand.

I don't lie to my child either.

I allowed her to experience the magic of childhood by indulging in the fantasy of Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy. I taught her the importance of truth, honesty and integrity. Net result I have a teenager who does not lie to me.

She also happens to have a Father who I consider to be an arsehole. He was violent, emotionally and the whole spectrum of abusive. He then left to join his mistress to live their ''best life'' and spent vast amounts of money dragging me through court for years for contact. Contact he's failed to ever take in full. He has played no parental role, be it school, health, or other. I have raised her single handedly. Even now over a decade later he still tries at every given opportunity to control my life.

Nevertheless, he is her father. To bad mouth him hurts her. To tell her he doesn't care, can't be bothered, didn't turn up because he had something better to do etc hurts her. Ask yourself what child benefits from hearing - your parent doesn't care about you. The message this sends to a child is you are worthless. I love my daughter and do not wish to cause her pain. My love for her outweighs my distain for him. I have enabled and supported a relationship with him, free of any emotional bias that would interfere with her developing that relationship. That is my role as her Mum, every child deserves a relationship with both their parents. Every child has an intrinsic drive to have a relationship with their parents. This drive goes beyond the rationale or conscious mind.

The quality of that relationship falls outside of the realms of my control and within her Father's purview. I have no control or influence over how he chooses to parent and what kind of relationship he develops with our daughter.

As it happens, as the years passed, she started to see him as he is. I supported her through many painful, heartbreaking years of he feeling grossly inadequate, rejected and lost questioning what she could do differently or what was 'wrong' with her. Of her hoping that this time, it would be different. And the disappointment when it wasn't. At around age 10 after yet another instance of his causing her pain, she said to me quite out of the blue - ''Thank you Mummy for never making it difficult for me with Daddy. I don't think I could cope with everything he does if you made it hard too''.

Now a teenager, she has reached the conclusion she does not wish to have a relationship with him anymore. She knows in her heart and mind that she did everything in her power to have a relationship and he simply can't or won't meet her half way. She has been free to make this journey herself, lived her reality free of influence from me or others. The hard raw reality is tastes bitter but far less so than the poison of living someone else's narrative. Children who listen to their mother denigrate their father for years become adults who one day question whose reality was I living mine or my mothers?

Allow your child to be free to live their own reality and make their own choices.

I think the bit you're missing is that children identify with their parents even the awful ones. If you are 'truthful' or blunt about your feelings about your ex it will hurt your child. You don't do it because it's a really mean thing to do to a kid. They will in time form their own opinion of him. There's no need for you to do something so toxic.

I think you have some time yet. I'm in a similar ish predicament. My child is 8 and her dad hasn't been in her life since 1 year. She has no memory of him and doesn't know of his existence. So far she hasn't asked, but one day she will and like you I'm not sure what to say. I definitely don't want to mess with her head or cause distress but at the same time I'm not going to say he was caring and supportive. When she's 18 I'll show her the court documents and get her to speak to my parents who will definitely tell her the events of her early life in a better way I can without my bitter emotion and I'll be there for further questions and support. But until that time I think I'll try and be as age appropriate as I can and say he wasn't a good father and we had to leave for both of our safety.

It's hard but don't give her your emotional baggage, try and be as informative but as age appropriate as you can.

@Pinkyxx
Amazing post .. really so true and inspirational xx

YANBU, I don’t lie to my child either. No Santa / tooth fairy nonsense.

I don’t always tell the ‘complete’ truth though, sometimes I just say “I’ll explain when you’re older” particularly when he was small and wanted to eg know why his teacher wasn’t allowed to help him in the toilet if he needed it.

I think your approach is good.

YANBU, I don’t lie to my child either. No Santa / tooth fairy nonsense
It amuses me when people take such pride in this joyless stance and think it's a measure of their integrity.

You say whatever you need to say to make your child not feel shit about themselves, rejected or unwanted. If the Dad isn't involved then you don't need to say anything about him or his motivations. I don't care if its the truth, it's not information your kid needs to know, unload whatever (as justifiable as they may be) angry shit feelings of rejection you have to a councillor.

You don't need to make out he's Disney Dad but you certainly don't need to hint what a shithead he is either as your child is half his DNA and may feel that's part of their identity. Just treat the situation as if he was a sperm donor.

As for Santa, Easter Bunny etc. it's not the same concept at all. A lie is usually for the benefit of the person making the lie. Santa is a magical notion in order to make the recipient feel happy and good about a period of time. The lie is actually not beneficial to the person making it but improves the life of the person receiving it. Lies are not all the same, there are shades of grey.

Brutal honesty at all times leads to some people thinking they can say their opinion whenever they feel like, lacking empathy towards the audience of that 'truth'. There is someone in my family just like that prides herself on always being honest- but what she really means is she lords her opinion on anyone and everyone without any thought or regard to their feelings whether asked for or not!

When she is old enough and asks, stick to facts in an age appropriate way and don't give her your truth or your emotional stress- because little hearts can't always take that pain and process it. Again as I said in my previous post don't lie about his behaviour but make sure it said in a controlled safe way. It's so hard to get this balance- I'm dreading this very conversation myself!

@Pinkyxx brilliantly said, you sound like a fantastic Mum X

You are a hero. I wish my mum had taken this approach.

My approach is not to lie but to keep it age appropriate and sensitive.

the truth: my sons father turned violently abusive once I was pregnant and assaulted me then threatened to come back and kill my unborn baby if I didn’t abort. I called the police and left him and he’s never contacted me since (doesn’t know if I kept the baby or what his sex/name/birthday is).

what I tell my son: he hurt mommy and he couldn’t be a good father, but I’m here for you and I love you and so do all of our family.

i’m not lying to my son, but how could I possibly tell a child he wasn’t wanted? What would that do to his self-worth?

when my son asks about his father and says thinks like ‘he’s a bad man’ I am equally conscious that this is his biological father and have made clear that he had good traits that my son has inherited because I don’t want my son to think he is half ‘bad’ or that he needs to wish he hadn’t inherited his fathers looks in certain ways.

I think when it comes to children and absent fathers/mothers it is incredibly different to other examples you have given because ultimately the child is biologically connected to that parent and they don’t need to have their own self-worth obliterated by being told that half of their biology is from a complete twat.

I'm not in the same situation as you, relationship-wise, but I do take the same approach with regard to being truthful about Santa, the Easter bunny etc, and don't think you're damaging your DC's mental health as implied upthread! 😉 We frame them as make-believe games that people (including us) play as a fun part of the Christmas/Easter celebrations.
Separately, my 3yo is really interested atm in whether people are 'friendly or bad' (his phrasing) so we've been talking a lot about how nobody is entirely one or the other, and also how you can't always tell straight away what sort of person anyone is (he's convinced that smiling = friendly 😕). If your child is asking about his dad, could you frame your answer in similar terms, i.e. that everyone has good and bad qualities, and that we don't always know the reasons that people do the things they do etc?
I think you can be honest but still be non-judgemental, and the bonus is that you would be modelling to your DC how to do the same, which is an important life skill.

It does seem very about you, why should you do this, why should you do that.

Your child will come to their own conclusions, just remain neutral on the subject.

@Pinkyxx Nobody else really needs to answer the OP now, as you have done it perfectly.

Maybe something along the lines of "he chose not to be part of OUR family so not made personal against the child.

MIL told DH his biological father didn't know about him. So he spent most of his youth and early adulthood full of resentment towards get for not allowing his dad to be part of his life. Eventually it all came out that he was an abusive twat with another woman on the go (also pregnant) and DHs Hometown is different than he would've expected because his mum was in refuge. They have a much much better relationship now she's been honest. However it's how you do it and at what age. To be honest and say I honestly don't know why he won't see you, I've tried to arrange things but he's never been reliable/available, you'll always have me. Is different to, your dad's a cunt and you mean nothing to him.