To tell my child the complete truth

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People look at me gone out when I say this as if I've just killed their granny but I don't tell lies to my children. They're not taught about santa, Easter bunny etc, we still celebrate but there is no white lies involved.

I believe in monkey see monkey do so if I tell my kids not to lie to me but then in effect lie to them no matter how small would this not make me a hypocrit ?

Anyway , my older children have always been taught the reason they don't see their father often is because he's poorly , the older they're getting the more we are making them aware of their dads mental health condition.(they have a great relationship with his extended family as do i)

With that being said my youngest child has an absolute arsehole of a dad... hasn't seen them for over a year (baring in mind he lived on the same road) and would walk past them in the street.my child's getting to an age where they are going to begin to ask questions.

IMO I shouldn't blinker my child from the truth and suger coat how much of a twat their dad is.obviously I'm not going to tell a 3 year old their dad's a twat but I certainly won't be giving it the old , your daddy just wasn't ready for fatherhood when infact he's got 3 older children he sees and is a good 10years older than I am.the baby was planned and now he even denies that he's even the dad !! ...

My mum thinks I'm wrong and alot of things I've seen on the Internet tell you not to speak bad of the child's other parent but I'm left here thinking , well why ? Why shouldn't they know the truth , their 'dad' is a waste of space down an out, I'm not trying to poison their mind , I wasn't cheated on , I couldn't care less if he had a orgy filmed it and posted it all over social media, but the way he's treat my child is disgusting so why should I suger coat it !!

From the other side, as it's sort of relevant I think, about small children and memory.

I was 3/4 (certainly under 5) when my mother told me that my stepfather wasn't my birth father. Getting on for 60 years later I can remember exactly where we were and that it was a sunny day. Mum wasn't always the most emotionally stable/aware but she got it across in a way that I accepted and understood and although I remember thinking I'd been told something important, I wasn't upset. Probably just as well she did too as I can remember flashes of Mum and Dad (he adopted me) at their wedding when I was 2.5 and would have worked out something from that eventually.

My birth father was a git of the first order and I obviously found out much more over the years, but I'm grateful that I was told what I was in an age appropriate way. My advice OP would be to be calm, objective, keep any feelings you have towards this man out of it and concentrate on telling your child that they are loved and much wanted by you. You don't need to make up stories about some fantasy Wonderdad but you should be mindful that your child is more important than your hurt, angry feelings and "need" for truth to be told.

It depends what you mean by telling your child 'the truth'.

'His behaviour is disgusting' - although many would agree - is actually an opinion.

I would not recommend saying anything about your opinion of their dad. This is projecting your own feelings. Your child will make up their own mind when they are older.

You don't have to give them false hope, but you also don't have to be actively cruel by projecting your own.

I don't think this is just about wanting to be honest with your child. It does honestly sound like there are punitive/vengeful motivations on your part.

@rubberduckiee Yes.

You need to think long and hard about your motivations. If there is even an ounce of 'getting back at him' or 'punishing him' then don't do it (and I also strongly feel that there is from your posts).

This cannot be about your needs for revenge, your resentment for the way he treated you. Not even a tiny bit.

Your children's feelings are fragile and they will be more easily broken than you know.

Because that child is 50% their father and they will feel worthless, rejected and potentially unloved if you tell them they way you feel that jumps out from what you write. Read "the book you wish your parents read" for some more discussions around this sort of thing

Honestly I think giving children adult information that they can't do anything productive with is really harmful.

You can give him an age appropriate answer that isn't a lie. And then expand on it as he grows up and is ready to hear more.

'Some families don't have a Dad that spends time with them'

Later:

'In many ways it would be great to have a Dad around but we found that things were very hard with your Dad and decided it was better for you to not see him often.'

Later again:

'You deserve a fantastic dad and it's really sad that your Dad hasn't been that for you. You have a lot of other people who love you, and you are loving in return. All families are different and have their challenges'

Later again

'Your dad hasn't been a good dad. He has a lot of good qualities and he wanted you very much. But He's not good at loving people well and it's been disappointing for all of us. I know that's hard on you. You deserve better. I know you'll be a wonderful dad some day. Do you have any questions about your dad?'

You don't have to be nice about him but you also don't have to be unpleasant and nasty.

Really the best thing for them is for you to be as neutral as you can, and allow them to come to their own conclusions. It's about them, not you.

not sur if it has been mentioned, but you also need to remember the child is half the crap dad - so anything you complain about to the child, they will eventually think - well I'm made from crap as well and not worth loving...

Tell them that you don't know why he doesn't see them, but say that he is missing out hugely and that you are so lucky to have them.
Turn it round into a positive every time about how lucky you are and how great they are, don't make it a negative for them.

or

I've told mine (between 3 and 6) that sometimes grown ups don't always make good choices. And that right now daddy has been making bad choices and that's why he doesn't see them. I say it doesn't mean they're not loved, just that even grown ups can be very wrong and in the end it is him that misses out

maybe combine the two
“He’s making bad choices and you don’t know why he’s making the bad choices but it’s nothing that ds has done. Sometimes people make bad choices for reasons that nobody else understands. But he’s really messing up because he’s not getting to know the wonderful little boy that you are. Mummy is so lucky to have got to know and love you.”

Agree with whoever said that you should learn a bit about how parents who have adopted approach life story work. There seems to be a lot of false choices here between 'the full truth' at one extreme, and 'sugar coating it' at the other.

Parents who have adopted have to grapple with how to help their child come to terms with the fact that their biological parents could not look after them and often that they may not have been very nice people, or may not have wanted them.

I would say three is very young to be launching straight into 'here are the reasons your dad is not a good person'.

For one thing, three year olds often don't have a concept of a 'Dad' as anything other than a male parental figure. The concept of a man whose sperm was used in conception is difficult. So I would start off by making sure DC understands that men and women make babies, and that DC grew in your tummy but that a man named X helped put the baby in mummy's tummy.

Just landing that concept first, before you get into any discussion of where X is or why he's not around, would help.

The other thing I would do is make sure your DC has a solid grasp of what parents need to do to look after a child. Playing with dolls or teddies is really good for this - talk the child through what their teddy might need. They might need food. They might need to be kept clean. They might need to be kept safe when they're out and about. They might need cuddles, story time, playing time etc.

By introducing your DC to what it means to be a parent, beyond the biological role, you can then move into reasons why some people might help put a baby in mummy's tummy but not be able to do all the other things a parent does.

You can explore why your DC is able to care for their teddy - it's because they were taught how to do it. So you might want to then say that some people were never taught how to be good mummies or daddies. And X was not taught how to be a good daddy, so that's why he cannot look after DC. As PP have said, always keep reinforcing that this is about X's inability, not DC's worth or loveability.

Then as they get older, they can explore more. But if you go straight in with the reasons that DC's father is not a good or present Dad without the foundations of understanding, I think its more likely your DC will get confused or may start to look for reasons in themselves that explain why their father isn't around.

My child’s father is a domestic abuser with a personality disorder, I want my child to know the truth about what he’s like but I feel I can’t be honest because we have a court order in place and the truth is considered ‘alienation’.

If he was abusive as my ex husband was, I told our 3yo at the time that ‘daddy wasn’t a very nice person’ our daughter on the other hand doted on him with him telling them ‘mummy kicked me out because she doesn’t love me anymore and she doesn’t want us to be a family’ no mate the truth is you told mummy for years no one else would ever love her, she was fat when she was a size 10, she was ugly and nothing she ever did was good enough, accused her of cheating when she was working, didn’t speak to her for days because she went out on her own hen do and ultimately when she grew enough balls to stick up for herself and attempted to kick you out the first time, you told her ‘no judge would ever grant custody to a single mother working in a pub and going back to school’. Rant over.
Now 8 years down the line, neither child has anything to do with him which was their choice after seeing how controlling and abusive he was.
You do what is right for you but for his age a simple ‘daddy wasn’t a nice person’ will work.

I'm with Cannon.

I think you can be honest in a gentle and age appropriate way, the bit I'd worry about is how your child might decide to find things out themselves when they're older. If they think you find it hurtful talking about their dad or like you're angry at their dad (even if rightly so) they might not want to go to you with questions when they're older and might try to form their own (wrong) conclusions, internalise their worries about it or seek him out online by themselves to avoid disappointing or hurting you. So I'd tread very carefully at this stage, I wouldn't lie but I definitely wouldn't be giving the full truth either until they're old enough to understand the context fully and where they fit.

For a child to know their father doesn't care for them or want them could cause issues with rejection. In this case I would find a way to sugar coat it because it's not about how you feel it's how your child will feel.

My ex dh is emotionally abusive, my 3 older children see it and have very little to do with him, just enough to be polite. Dd3 though has a lot to do with him as I don't drive and I'm sure the penny will drop eventually. I try not to be negative and accentuate anything positive but it's very difficult. He is their father and I made a big mistake having children with him but I wouldn't change them for a minute. Let your child make their own mind up.

@sleephelp2022

You've misread my post.

This is pretty much exactly what I tell my daughter who did have an on off relationship with her dad when he could be bothered. He hasn’t seen her since last June since CMS caught up with him and he threw his toys out the pram and refused to see her anymore (to punish me no doubt). She blames herself because in her little mind, if she hadn’t been born, he “wouldn’t have ditched her”. I’ve told her that he’s making some bad choices because he’s cross with mummy, not her, and that I’m really upset and cross with him for hurting her like this but he can contact us anytime he wants to and I’ll never stand in the way of her seeing him when he comes crawling back to her

I agree with the Santa comment! I teach Reception and i had one child this year who had been told Santa wasn’t real. You could tell the magic was missing for him - he didn’t have that same sparkle in his eyes and excitement the other children had. Santa is not a lie, it’s a story. Grown ups believe in things we can’t see - aliens, ghost, magic, God! Who is to say that none of these are real!

Only you can decide what to tell your youngest. Only bit if advice is my BIL has multiple children by different women, strained relationships and 3 of his 4 dc are messed up, man hater/ tried to commit suicide/serious self harmed. I’d say that the parents speaking bad of each other directly effected them. Both my BIL and multiple exSil’s have good professional jobs , well educated people yet speak Ill-of each other .

No. Just don't.

I would answer questions factually ,very factually, with no subjective comment at all

"Who is my daddy?" His name is ...
"Where does he live" In ... "Can I see him?" I will ask him. ...He says No!
"Why does he say No?" I don't know!
"Why does * see her Daddy?" Because both of them want to.
"Why doesn't my Daddy want to see me". I don't know!

By doing this you are keeping open the dialogue so that your child can ask questions but giving no judgement. As your child gets older you can continue the policy. If asked a specific opinion you can say "I would do this ..but we are all different. Your Daddy thinks differently"

I worked out for myself that my dad was a nobber. My mum never said a bad word about him. She also didn't claim he was a good father either. She was smart, because for a brief period I did think he was cool, and she never got in the middle of that by slagging him off. She didn't need to, he soon showed me what a colossal arse he was. So I think you should remain dignified. You won't win points or be a better parent with this kind of "speak as I find" honesty.....

I feel a constant guilt that I choose such a bad father for them… they are teens now but I haven’t specifically told them, they have on the other hand firsthand seen his mood swings etc

No. Until the child is old enough to understand that it’s not her fault that her dad is a deadbeat, don’t do it. Every absent parent is missed until they are old enough, don’t upset her unnecessarily.

There's a difference between sugar coating and giving a child age appropriate information.