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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you be with someone stupid?

237 replies

PlayDohOnTheWalls · 03/02/2023 22:06

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

  1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish
  1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 03/02/2023 22:08

If the sex is rubbish and you think he talks nonsense, why did you want to date him to start off with?

hidingbehindascreen · 03/02/2023 22:08

You married him? Surely this isn't how you have always felt?

Particularprick · 03/02/2023 22:09

Yanbu. He sounds really immature and thick. But has he always been like this?

Timesawastin · 03/02/2023 22:09

Absolutely not, but I'm not you. You have to decide

SarahAshley2 · 03/02/2023 22:11

How did you not know this before you married him?

VladmirsPoutine · 03/02/2023 22:12

Surely on the second point you knew that before marriage / when you were dating? People don't suddenly develop new personalities. On the former point sex does wane especially when still in the thick of it with young children but is it more that you don't fancy him, he gives you the ick?

Babdoc · 03/02/2023 22:12

Crap sex and being stupid would be deal breakers for me even separately, but both in the same man??!!! Why on earth did you marry him?!

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 22:12

God no there is better out there I promise!
An ex once did the film thing didn't have a clue what was going on even though he'd sat and watched it all gave me the massive ick

ZestFest · 03/02/2023 22:13

Oh God I couldn't be with a stupid person even if the sex was mind-blowing.

MissAmbrosia · 03/02/2023 22:13

No. But how did you not notice these things before?

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 03/02/2023 22:13

I mean...you decided to marry him and have two kids with him. Is it only bothering you now?

ThingsChristmasJumper · 03/02/2023 22:14

ignorance is so unattractive.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 22:15

I couldn't be with someone like this. Even if the sex was great, which you say it isn't.

Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2023 22:16

Unfortunately I would struggle being with someone stupid, although I know there are different types of intelligence.
I had a BF when I was younger and I adored him until we were watching a quiz show and he kept shouting out completely wrong answers. If he had said he didn’t know or kept quiet it would have been ok but he didn’t know he knew nothing if that makes sense?
If you feel you are incompatible for any reason it’s ok to spilt up

Oysterbabe · 03/02/2023 22:16

I couldn't be with someone thick.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 03/02/2023 22:16

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel like this, I have broken it off with people I thought weren't on my level.

However you are being unreasonable to set up a life with, and have children with, someone you had bad sex with and think is stupid.

(Unless he was charming and good in bed before you had kids?)

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 03/02/2023 22:17

sonjadog · 03/02/2023 22:08

If the sex is rubbish and you think he talks nonsense, why did you want to date him to start off with?

This
Why get together in the first place if you're so different?
Doesn't sound like you like him very much, let alone love him.

Original poster
PlayDohOnTheWalls · 03/02/2023 22:19

Why did I marry him??

We met when I was young. He is older. We had a lot of fun - drank a lot, partying, holidays. He was loyal, supportive, and he was 100% trustworthy. I was always his priority. This is still true. With a dad and ex boyfriends like mine, being trustworthy felt like a v rare quality. He was fun and I could trust him. That felt enough.

Now - No more booze. Steady life. And I've grown up a lot. He's got more and more into the Internet.

OP posts:
Saschka · 03/02/2023 22:19

I couldn’t be with somebody I didn’t respect, and I couldn’t respect somebody who thought the moon was secretly a disguised spaceship.

But presumably he was like this when you met, married and reproduced with him? If it didn’t bother you then, why does it bother you now? What has changed? Not saying you are wrong btw, just wondering what has triggered this if you were happy before?

Testina · 03/02/2023 22:21

Yeah, just here to find out why you dated him, let alone went on to marry him.

Moon is a spaceship 😭

I suppose there’s a part of me somewhere that could forgive an otherwise perfect man for thinking the moon was a projection from a satellite network or something… but a spaceship in disguise 🤣 Are the phases in the moon due to its orbit, or does the spaceship 🚀 just hanger left? 😭

So he’s thick, but you’re sounding a bit dim for marrying him so maybe you have it in common?

Can you think back and recapture what it was you liked about him? And get him to read a book about sex, there’s no excuse not to learn some basic manoeuvres that you like.

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 03/02/2023 22:22

the crap sex, and his not being very bright are bad enough but I really and truly could not be with someone who was falling down a Youtube conspiracy theory rabbit hole such as the example in your opening post: that the moon is in fact a spaceship (!). He'll be full on Qanon in a year's time.

Msgrieves · 03/02/2023 22:24

Fuck no

ShittyPeasantsFromHampshire · 03/02/2023 22:24

examples like yours are why I rarely think it's a good idea for people to settle down young. 15 years down the line you look around and realise you're stuck with someone you've nothing in common with.

Jdjdntbhh · 03/02/2023 22:24

take away the sex…is he someone you love and would be friends with?

i can’t imagine being in the same wavelength as the person you have described and would find them irritating beyond belief

Devoutspoken · 03/02/2023 22:26

There are different types of intelligence, kindness, humour and warmth are surely more attractive in the long run?