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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you be with someone stupid?

237 replies

PlayDohOnTheWalls · 03/02/2023 22:06

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

  1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish
  1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

OP posts:
MoggyMittens23 · 04/02/2023 06:50

Males who think periods are gross/embarrassing vs men who (like my DH) will pick up my dirty period knickers with not a care in the world and put his hands under my privates while I run to the loo when it catches me off guard lest blood go on the carpet (I don't know if that makes any sense but it is funny every time) .... well that separates the real men from the boys IMO. I honestly could never, ever be with someone who felt that way about periods, for a start.

Faradalla · 04/02/2023 06:58

MoggyMittens23 · 04/02/2023 06:50

Males who think periods are gross/embarrassing vs men who (like my DH) will pick up my dirty period knickers with not a care in the world and put his hands under my privates while I run to the loo when it catches me off guard lest blood go on the carpet (I don't know if that makes any sense but it is funny every time) .... well that separates the real men from the boys IMO. I honestly could never, ever be with someone who felt that way about periods, for a start.

Out of interest, where do you leave your periody knickers and why does your husband need to catch your period? I'm confused!

MoggyMittens23 · 04/02/2023 07:10

@Faradalla I know I didn't explain it very well! But I have heavy period, and sometimes, BAM, they go heavy out of nowhere, so if I get out of bed for example and then it's in full flow, we have to make it to the loo without getting blood anywhere, sometimes it comes right through my period stuff leaking. Does that make sense? I don't leave them laying around all over the house, but say I call from the loo 'oh god, i need another pair, this one's done already' then he will bring me a new one, and wont hesitate to pick up the dirty one and put it in my bag where i keep my reusable one until they go in the wash. Theres no icky, gross etc etc, he just does it and doesn't care. I like that.

ShippingNews · 04/02/2023 07:13

I couldn't do it, no. But you see other things in him. Maybe his good qualities are enough.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/02/2023 07:19

PlayDohOnTheWalls · 03/02/2023 22:30

@Testina I've tried to explain my mindset when I married him in my earlier post. We didn't spend a huge amount of down time. Lots of fun, work, seeing friends. And he was/is so loyal. I am always his number one. I had a very abusive dad and earlier relationships so he seemed like magic to me.

Our lifestyle has changed. Slowed down. He didn't used to watch YouTube so much either

Do you think maybe he feels the same as you, that your relationship has ‘slowed down’ over the years ? If he doesn’t feel close to you maybe that’s why he’s spending more time online - it can be a sign of loneliness. He sounds a good man and you say you love him so could you try reconnecting and finding some shared interests ? It might not be so much an an intelligence problem as immaturity channelled into the wrong things. From what you say I think you might regret just ending the relationship without exploring a bit more to see if there’s a way to save it, but you may both have to accept that there wasn’t much of a basis for a long term relationship and that it’s just run its’ course.

Fullrecoveryispossible · 04/02/2023 07:21

I mean. I once dated someone who didn’t know what the census was…I had to end it there and then!

MoonCharged · 04/02/2023 07:31

I sympathise because my DH has become very obsessed lately with videos on Facebook and YouTube about American politics.... Lots of trash talk about Biden etc. He spends hours watching these American people talking about Biden.... Not even news channels, its just some grown men talking for hours about how Biden is a fraud... He rigged the votes etc. When Trump got put out the white House my DH was fuming. We live in the UK.... American news doesn't really factor in our life. But he spends ages watching it.... Then telling me! So I'm trying to cook dinner for 3 kids and 2 adults.... Deal with dishes and laundry etc and he's passionately telling me all about some conspiracy with the American voting system and naming politicians I've never even heard of. It is so so so frustrating. I just smile and nod. He was also sucked in to the anti vax / covid isn't real void which was hard for me to listen to when I was literally a ward based worker during the pandemic and could see it with my own eyes. My DH is lovely in many other ways but we have zero in common and that makes me sad. So I'm following this post in hopes someone has an answer on what to do!

Original poster
PlayDohOnTheWalls · 04/02/2023 07:31

I think maybe it's immature rather than stupid. Or thoughtless

Recent example: his grandad is in a home, very unwell, refusing to eat, delirious. Staff have moved to end of life care. All DH cousins and family have visited tis last week DH isn't bothering because "doesn't sound like there is much point. Not like grandad can have chat"

He hadn't considered it was about his grandad rather than him and what the right thing to do was.

He would rather play video games all weekend than go seeing his dying grandad so that's what he's going to do. He doesn't think about the right thing or the bigger picture.

Him not knowing stuff...like he didn't know what the House of Lords was or thought Thatcher was PM in the 1920s....I can deal with that because that's just stuff you can learn...but it's the lack of interest or thought that makes me lose respect for him

This man is 40 FYI

OP posts:
SuperSonicMonic · 04/02/2023 07:36

So with the partying & holidays over, he now sounds just as bored as you are. I assume you’ve discussed this with him? I don’t like the term stupid or thick as you can always learn from someone, but that’s MN for you.

Devoutspoken · 04/02/2023 07:40

The opposite are clever know it alls, don't know which is worse

Original poster
PlayDohOnTheWalls · 04/02/2023 07:41

I'm not bored at all @SuperSonicMonic I work full time, with 2 DC, trying to renovate house, friends, social life, love to read, trying to force myself to join a sports club! Not bored at all. Me and DH have a nice life and him being supportive means all those things are possible. We can have a giggle together. He makes me tea and gives good cuddles. I just think a lot of what he does and says is baffling to me.

OP posts:
pompomdaisy · 04/02/2023 07:42

My DH is constantly misplacing things and forgetting things but when it comes to conversation, discussions about books and films and humour we are both on the same page. I think it's a necessity to be honest. I'm not you though. You didn't spot his lack of cerebral cortex so are you that intelligent op?

Original poster
PlayDohOnTheWalls · 04/02/2023 07:45

I have explained my motivation for marrying him in several posts @pompomdaisy I have never claimed to be intelligent. Just that I feel out of sync with him on a lot of issues and topics. But thanks for the input.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 04/02/2023 07:48

In solidarity, in my 20s I wasted two years of my life with a man who was spectacularly thick. I'm no Einstein, but he was proud that he'd never read a book, had no idea who the prime minister was, and i'd hear the dopey "I don't know babe" 50 times a day.

He was also arrogant with it. He was absolutely insistent that he would easily beat me in an IQ test, but told me he might not do well on the geography and "litteretor" literature questions like it was some fucking pub quiz.

I dumped him for being a raging misogynist and violent gaming addict, but now I can laugh/cringe at how unbelievably stupid he is. Like you, I felt bad that I might make him feel bad.

Now a kick up the arse for you. Youre not compatible. Because of your past you placed huge value on loyalty and putting you first. This should be a non negotiable for you, but not at the expense of everything else. Roughly matching intellect, maturity and mutual respect must also be there as well as loyalty.

There are men out there who have all of these qualities. It's OK to realise you've outgrown him and start making plans to divorce,and you absolutely should.

daisychain01 · 04/02/2023 07:54

fossil24 · 03/02/2023 22:41

She's not in misery. The man is kind and loving . There is worse out there

Race to the bottom.

Dippyeggz · 04/02/2023 07:56

Nah. Well, not unless they were very, very funny

tuvamoodyson · 04/02/2023 07:57

How, just how could he think Margaret Thatcher was PM in the ‘20’s? Just how? That is taking stupidity to another level! No way could I live with this dimwit.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2023 08:03

No, I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Original poster
PlayDohOnTheWalls · 04/02/2023 08:10

Ha ha @tuvamoodyson he did say he was getting confused with that one! 🤣

OP posts:
Nightsonthetiles · 04/02/2023 08:13

Nope couldn't do it.

When he's nice in other ways and you have kids together though @PlayDohOnTheWalls maybe you could try to help him develop.

Buy him books to read on more interesting topics, find documentaries to watch together.

Point out it's fluoride that's in the water, not unknown nasties and that lots of things like cereals and breads are fortified with vitamins and minerals.

He makes a 'eww gross' comment about periods... You respond, don't be so immature/ it's a natural bodily function.

He's laughing at stupid videos, ask why do you like that, point out it's misogynistic and say that it's off-putting.

Or just come out and say to him that since having kids he needs to buck up his ideas and he's not a stupid teenager to sit around playing video games.

My funny story... We were young had been out to clubs and pubs a few times so no real "deep" conversations. He was in the military and soo handsome (younger self swoons...). We go out to this local restaurant, it's an Italian restaurant, and we are looking at the menu, and he quips that it's so difficult to understand (I'm thinking because the dishes have Italian names he's worried about pronunciation)... I look across and no, he's flicking between the French and German pages where the ingredients are listed in those language. There's literally a flag in every corner of that page which he then tells me he thought were just "decoration or someone coloured them in..." It got worse when he told me he joined the military to "play with guns and run about having fun and shit". 😳😳😳 And that was that!

Beezknees · 04/02/2023 08:16

I'd happily date someone that wasn't particularly academic, because I'm not academic myself. I don't know a huge amount about politics, history, things like that.

I wouldn't date somebody that believed conspiracy theories or thought periods were "gross". That's just man child behaviour.

Testina · 04/02/2023 08:16

MoggyMittens23 · 04/02/2023 06:50

Males who think periods are gross/embarrassing vs men who (like my DH) will pick up my dirty period knickers with not a care in the world and put his hands under my privates while I run to the loo when it catches me off guard lest blood go on the carpet (I don't know if that makes any sense but it is funny every time) .... well that separates the real men from the boys IMO. I honestly could never, ever be with someone who felt that way about periods, for a start.

OK that’s just weird.
Sounds more like a fetish than being at ease with periods 🤣
How does that even work?
Do you not have hands of your own?

Testina · 04/02/2023 08:18

@MoggyMittens23 and apart from it being weird - why doesn’t he just throw you over a pair of pants to nip to the loo in?

TheFretfulPorpentine · 04/02/2023 08:23

Devoutspoken · 03/02/2023 22:26

There are different types of intelligence, kindness, humour and warmth are surely more attractive in the long run?

No. The first requirement for a partner or any person you are going to be spending a lot of time with is something between the ears.

ClareBlue · 04/02/2023 08:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2023 22:42

I think with many age gap relationships the younger woman grows and matures and the old bloke stagnates and stays the same.

The men rely on younger women not noticing they're thick, crap in bed and immature at the beginning. Then they rely on kids to tie the woman to them.

OP contempt is a killer and that's what you feel. The relationship is over, you just haven't pulled the chain yet.

Yes, have seen this over and over again. The younger women mature's, wants to try new things, get an education and a career, travel and meet people and the older man stagnates. The women doesn't see the slight economic power the man had when they met or perceived maturity as important when they get a bit older. So much talent and life wasted by sens of loyalty by women to harmless but basically dead beat men.
I think you just have to leave when the realisation happens.