Could you be with someone stupid?

[PlayDohOnTheWalls]

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish

1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

Some do suddenly develop new personalities! Or at least you discover personality that you didn't see before. This happened to me, so OP I can relate.

My DP isn't stupid, but he is a "free thinker". He believes the water thing you mentioned, and a load of other conspiracies, and gets obsessed about a very niche topic that I don't care about at all but it's all he'll talk about. I never would have said this pre-marriage, in fact I think it's a result of isolation during lockdown because he seemed reasonably normal before.

The period thing would be enough for me to leave, especially considering you have two daughters.

I was the only daughter - I had a younger and older brother - and both my parents believed periods were 'gross'. I wasn't ever allowed to even mention them when I started at 13, and had to hide sanitary protection in my bedroom...and I mean literally hide, in case one of my brothers decided to go into my bedroom for some reason. I wasn't allowed to have a lock of any type on the door, either.

I couldn't be with a conspiracy theorist, either. And the sex thing may not matter once you are past 50...but it may.

I'd be leaving. I doubt your opinion of him is going to recover/improve.

I could have written your post, OP, so no judgement from me. I did leave but actually his terrible side came out, triggered by the rejection. A side I'd never seen. He makes mine and the kids' life a misery to this day, 4 years down the line.

I'm going with yabu because you stayed with him knowing he was stupid and crap in bed

I'm a woman and I think periods are gross. And as long as no one gets hurt, sonetimes people falling over is funny. I think I could tolerate him of he knew he was thick but if he acted as though he was right and everyone else was wrong then no I couldn't be with him.
And the sex thing needs to be talked about. Does he know you find it unsatisfactory?

There is stupid, and there is really really stupid. He falls into the latter category, the Donald Trump category. Honestly, I don't know how you can stand it!

It doesn't sound that you're compatible in the long term. That's OK, as you say people grow and change. I don't envy you your position though, considering ending things with a man as kind and dependable isn't a decision I'd want to make.

You don't actually have to do anything anytime soon. I suspect though at some point you'll have had enough or your head will be turned elsewhere.

...what do you talk about? The weather?

What do your kids think the moon is? Are you going to have them growing up thinking periods are gross? That they’re gross as a result?

I get you’d had worse relationships before him but it’s never a good idea to marry someone who’s a crap shag. It’s a shame you didn’t want better for yourself.

Wow, lots of really nasty comments. You could leave and it sounds like do so I. A way that is healthy for everybody (you, dh, kids). Divorce is always hard though, and I would want to know that me and my kids would be better off ultimately.

it is also ok to stay in a less than ideal relationship- I think the ideal of being ‘in love’ with one person over decades is unattainable for many/most. I think it is okay for relationships to be a bit pragmatic- historically true love is not the norm! - and consider the economic and child rearing aspects with equal weight to romantic. Obviously don’t stay in something abusive, but sounds like that isn’t the case for you.

We're friends with another family and the dad is a massive conspiracy guy. Vaccines are mind control, clones are out there, moon landing was faked etc. When he gets going he becomes very tin hatty.
I still love him to bits but I couldn't be with him....

Can you have a conversation about well, anything?
As you say you were young when you got together, I think you've both matured in different ways and I'm not sure you'll ever be compatible

I think one of the joys of a relationship is when you’re on the same wavelength humour-wise and you look at each other and smile. It’s tedious (and feels lonely) when you have to explain why something is funny and it’s usually something so subtle they still don’t have a clue.

But…he really loves you and he’s a great dad. You could wreck your life and never find the type of man you’d like.

@yodayoga1 for some reason your reply made me feel tearful. I think I have that fear that may be true here too. I think he's desperately insecure as well as being immature. I feel likes he has clung to me. He doesnt care about or do anything other than being at home with me. I used to think that was what a good partner did but he's stuck to me because hes intimidated by the outside world. And if I reject him I feel he will go nuclear. He wont take kindly to the rejection at all. I'm so sorry you're going through what you're going through. Do you ever regret it? I hope things get easier for you and your kids..

@AnneLovesGilbert Yeah it is a shame. A real bloody shame.

I divorced my ex for this very reason. We met young then over the years, I matured and he didn't - still hasn't. I stayed as long as I could because, well, we were married and I didn't set out to get married only to end up divorced. But in the end, I wanted more from life, and came to realise I'd be happier alone than with him.

Apologies- First bit of above post a bit garbled. Basically you can probably leave in a healthy way if that is what you really want, but it is also rational to stay and enjoy the benefits of a single home.

personally I am in a relationship where the romantic side has faded, but we both benefit from the economic partnership and the kids are better cared for with us together. I have no desire for another relationship, so don’t feel like I am sacrificing. To each their own, though.

Molly- Mae is that you?

Just a point but you say how immature and thick he is, yet he's with you and you're with him so he's certainly played his meager hand well. Probably a tradie too earning a reasonable wage, few mates who think he's a diamond geezer and the kids adore him (animals and old grannies too I bet)
You know if you leave you'll break his heart and people will think you're a batch, but 2 years down the line he'll be with a like minded person who loves him. Hecdeserves that.
You love him, but not as you should. Shit sex and no intelltual stimulation? This is as goodcas it gets. It ain't gonna change. You need to change.

The sex is rubbish and he is immature, wildly impressionable and thick as mince? No. I couldn’t be in that relationship.

I married a man who I thought was intelligent.
I was so wrong.

Over the years I have realised he is intelligent in very narrow and specific areas and in general he's really bloody stupid, ignorant, rude and useless.

I'm now divorcing him (for lots of others reasons)
I wish I'd looked closer and not married the bastard

That's exactly what's happened to me.
He has the maturity and intelligence level of a gnat. But when he was a teenager/early 20's man he seemed so intelligent.

It sounds like you've just outgrown him... and that's okay.

@Labraradabrador your reply makes a lot of sense to me. Pragmatism I guess. So many of things are easier if we stay together. Like you, I also have absolutely no desire for another relationship. No thank you. Not ever.

Ultimately, the decision to stay in a relationship or leave should be based on whether the relationship is fulfilling and supportive for both partners and whether the relationship brings more joy and happiness than pain and frustration.

Only you know the answer to that.