Could you be with someone stupid?

[PlayDohOnTheWalls]

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish

1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

I was in your position and I left, a husband that made sense in my 20’s just didn’t make sense anymore in my 30’s.
Ultimately it comes down to a lack of respect, that was me to him! You cannot really be madly in love with someone and view them as stupid, if you want more then you have to make a change.
If you have a long loving relationship then I’d start by having a frank conversation about how you really feel, I’d always give someone the opportunity to make the changes you want

Xan I just clarify something. Intelligence isn't education. As someone noted above you can be educated but still as thick as a brick.

@Devoutspoken
Your view is very kind and thoughtful. You are a better person than me, I read the OP's post and thought her DH is as shallow as a puddle.

Hadn't finished my post I'll start again.

Can I just clarify something. Intelligence isn't education. As someone noted above you can be educated but still as thick as a brick. My dad was not reading and writing smart but my goodness he could build anything and fix anything. There's different types of intelligence outside of academia. Brilliant musicians, brilliant artists etc All very interesting people. Then there's people like OPs DH. Loved the Trump comparison above. That's exactly it. They think they're intelligent but lack the very basic skills of investigation, interrogation and independent thought. They're the people I think of as stupid.

Exh was stupid, thought he was intelligent but really wasn't. To be honest he was like Del boy in only fools & horses who speaks French but gets all the words the wrong way round. I only realised how thick he was after we got married & by that time I knew that it wouldn't be forever & it was only a matter of time before I left him. Thankfully ds didn't get the stupid gene & is bright & intelligent.

If you never want another relationship, in a way there's less push to leave. It's not like you're looking for something better, more just a case of whether you want to put up with this?

Maybe you could try to improve things first.

It sounds like his life is very insular, and that he mainly interacts with YouTube. Lots of people got more insist over lockdown. Its algorithms are probably pushing all kinds of crap at him. Does he see friends and family? Does he go out for work.

What happens if you challenge him on his views? Could you both go out and socialise more together? I think if you could get him to cut the YouTube addiction and get some other influences into his life, the range of conversation topics might improve. If in a year or two there's no change, then at least you can know you've tried.

I don’t know why you’ve been given a hard time on this thread OP.

It sounds like you’ve simply outgrown the relationship. It happens, especially when couples meet young. It’s ok to hope for better - perhaps a partner who is more suited, or just not to have the annoyances of your H.

YANBU but keep in mind you yourself are stupid to someone else.

I’m a firm believer in everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

it sounds as though your husband is exactly who you needed at one point in your life but that has now changed. The season has passed. There is nothing wrong with that and no reason to stay with him for your lifetime.

There seems to be a lot of positives and the negatives are things you could work on together - it sounds like he loves you enough to try living differently. He's watching a lot of youtube and getting sucked into odd beliefs, while you are doing other things - maybe doing more things or watching more things together, or maybe listening to audio books about how the moon is real while doing boring house jobs together! You don't get to watch youtube endlessly when you are busy.

Even getting him to read non-fiction books with the kids - yes, I know that seems trite, but it's just chipping away at a youtube mindset and changing the dynamic. I'd certainly be making sure menstruation came into the conversation in a very matter-of-fact way as often as possible.

I don't believe intelligence is static - it can stagnate or grow depending on use. And I do believe people are more credulous when they are missing something else in their lives - connection, deeper meaning, a sense of being useful and valued.

Life is too short go find someone that makes your tummy flutter 💓

Sorry, came back to add to my previous message - I'm not saying you are responsible for trying to change him, or that it is definitely possible, but if you do want to improve things, it sounds like it is worth trying.

Have you ever experienced any serious life problems together? Imo a stupid partner might be ok when life is smooth but they will be absolutely useless when you have to deal with problems.
Considering his views what would you do if he was against DC’s vaccination or given them antibiotics or anything else? He obviously listens you at the minute when you are taking parental decisions but it might change.

I think Gentleness is on to something. You don't have a moral obligation to change him, but it will probably work out better for you if you do. If you split up, he will still be your kids' father, and he will still be telling them the moon is a spaceship.

What about watching documentaries on TV that aren't youtube tosh?

He doesn't sound sweet. He sounds quite unpleasant. Laughing at people falling over and saying periods are gross is horrible.

This is a really great point. DH is super smart, and so he's great in a crisis or if you need advice on something

You've changed, grown up and outgrown him.

I couldn't stand to be with someone like your DH - sorry, very rude!

Personally I couldn’t be with someone like that. The theories would drive me insane. Of course people change over time, and like you’ve said the early years were different, fun, now you’re left with the monotony of day to day life and this. Yes I’d leave, but I know it’s not as simple as that. But you’ll no doubt be happier. I spent over a decade single after splitting with my ex and said I’d never date anyone again. But here I am in a new relationship and very happy. Not all men are the same, totally spend some time alone, you don’t need a man. I certainly didn’t need one, but now ones come along who ticks all my boxes I’m definitely enjoying seeing where it takes me

That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

Sorry OP but that really made me laugh. Yes - I think I would have a major problem if my partner believed that. Mine still rants on about Brexit - but has been trying to rein it in over the past couple of years.

Do you think your bloke would be mature enough to survive on his own?

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid

Hmm well that would explain his moon belief I suppose.
I wouldn't be able to be with someone who believed things like this, it sounds incredibly tedious.

No. But then I'm very intolerant. To many things, including stupidity. Dh is very bright indeed and I like that in him. What are you going to do now OP? Trot along, I guess?

Do you have a daughter? All the idiocy, conspiracy theories and lack of critical thinking aside, raising a daughter in a household with a man-child telling her her periods are ‘gross’, instilling shame in her body and it’s natural processes, causing her to hide herself and her san pro, is fucked.

My marriage was over years ago but we stayed married as there was no reason not to really.

We muddled on fine, each living our own lives. Financially and practically it worked as the DC were young.

Neither of us were happy though... and it was only when he met OW that we split. It was emotionally easy for me as l had stopped loving or even liking him year's ago.

YANBU as I have had the same thoughts re DH! It’s hard when many positives but depends what are your deal breakers. Mine isn’t thick but I think I’m smarter. What upsets me more is he has different priorities to me and he is not always attentive or as thoughtful as me. This didn’t come to light until we had kids. He is a good dad tho he plays so well and does his share of parenting, less so of housework/ domestic chores and being a good husband I’d say! And the sex has always been average but that doesn’t bother me that much!

Personally, I would only consider ending a marriage if I was completely miserable. If there were plus sides to the marriage and I felt my kids had a stable, happy home and there were aspects of the marriage that made me happy then I would stay. This will not be a popular opinion on Mumsnet but I personally would stay and make the most of the positive aspects unless being in the marriage made me very unhappy. It doesn't sound like you are, but moreso that you are just weighing up your options.