Could you be with someone stupid?

[PlayDohOnTheWalls]

DH is a good partner and a good father. And I do love him, I think. We have set up quite a good life together. I enjoy his company.

Two things

1. The sex is rubbish. Infrequent and totally rubbish

1. He is a bit stupid. Examples

When we are watching films - he never knows what is going on and often at the end its obvious he's understood v little

He believes random things he's seen on YouTube- examples include that drinking water is poisoned by the government to keep us stupid and this is common knowledge. That the moon isn't a moon and is actually a space ship in disguise.

He's also v immature - periods are "gross". I catch him laughing at his phone and it's a video of someone falling over really horribly. That kind of thing.

Despite thinking this about him- I enjoy his company and our home is loving and functional. The kids love him. Though they are 3 and 5!

AIBU to consider leaving based on my slightly arrogant feeling that I'm smarter than him? Does that make me up my own arse? I just feel like I'm constantly explaining stuff to him or when he starts talking I just think about something else because I know it will be a load of rubbish

Am I really mean?

"He's got more and more into the Internet."

Oh god. It's desired ignorance. Next thing he'll stumble across is Andrew Tate et al.

OP, I wonder if couples counselling might be something the pair of you could do. Reading just your posts, I get the impression that you’ve grown as time has passed but he hasn’t. That’s OK - people are different. He doesn’t sound a bad man in any way just that you’re in different pages.

Maybe have a chat with him about your relationship, see if he sees things have changed too. I don’t think your relationship sounds irreparable but I would suggest you both work on it now rather than leave to fester.

@MoggyMittens23 I find keeping a flannel at the side of the bed very handy when I have my period, as an extra precaution!
Sorry to go off topic OP. I would definitely not leave my DH for the reasons you describe. Surely you can do something about the sex thing? Talk to him? Let him know what you want? Etc.etc....? And maybe just let the conspiracy theories go over your head. I certainly wouldn't break up my family, with the damage that could cause, unless things were truly awful.

@SamanthaCaine I mean - mumsnet is literally FULL of people anonymously criticising or having issues with family/friends and asking for advice from strangers. If he could read what I've posted - he wouldn't be very happy - but don't worry - my name isn't PlayDohOnTheWalls and my DH hasn't even heard of mumsnet so I think we are OK

I do hope you're name isn't Samantha Caine.

Yes. Even about the video games bit. Why didn't she say that at the beginning? Fair enough on that but the rest. Poor bloke

Do you communicate how you feel @PlayDohOnTheWalls ? When he talks about bizarre things he has picked up from the Internet do you tell him what you think or say how his laughing at people hurting themselves makes you feel? When he said that it wasn't worth going in to visit his grandad did you tell him that isn't the point? I'm just wondering how aware he is of your feelings

I despair at the posters defending the OP’s husband. 😆 still, there’s a lid for every pot. Maybe Emma or Samantha can give the dopey conspiracy nut a good home.

Anyone else picturing him being kept in the shed with an Xbox, a la Ed at the end of Shaun of the Dead?

Why is the sex so bad, does he bang away and think that's enough? Does he know where your clitoris is?

That's actually a great idea!

When he will start spouting his rubbish conspiracy theories to the children, they will believe it because young children are gullible and to them their parents’ words are like the gospel to the religious fanatic. Mummy and daddy are saints.
And if the children believe what their father is saying, furthermore they air it in school and in front of their friends, they can potentially embarrass themselves to a great degree. They might be called stupid themselves by their mates. Nice!
It will create conflict between the parents when it comes to educating the children.
A loving father is very important though, so it’s a toughie..

I love the off-topic period catching tips @MoggyMittens23 @Notcreative

I can't say I've ever needed to catch anything or had to take extra precautions. I go to bed wearing tracksuit bottoms though when I'm on - and when my DH sees me wearing tracksuit bottoms he always says things like "urgh, gross" or "that's why you've been such a nightmare recently etc"

I know what I'm saying seems confused. But people are complicated aren't they? Otherwise relationships would be simple and mumsnet wouldn't be so popular with people trying to work things out.

He is loyal, sweet and funny. He can also be immature, selfish and thoughtless. And yes, a bit stupid.

All these things can be true.

I think @billy1966 @MrsTerryPratchett are right (as they often are) about me outgrowing him maybe.

Like others have said, it does sound like you've just outgrown him.

He suited you at the time.

You're not interested in meeting anyone else. What would change about your life if you were to divorce?

I never follow films and I have a maths degree… I am not sure being unable to follow films constitutes as being stupid

I bet you don’t think the moon is a spaceship in disguise, though.

It sounds like you’ve grown up and he hasn’t.

I always shudder when I hear about 17 y/odd getting married because we all change and you are not the same person at 17, as you are at 25, 30 etc.

I don’t think there is any shame in separating because you are a different person than you was a few years ago and I don’t think anyone should stay just because they were happy once.

I could not put up with the shit sex, thinking periods are gross or conspiracy theory shit.
Some of his behaviour wouldn’t bother me and it’s almost like you have the ick so anything he does annoys you.

However, you do speak quite highly of him in some ways and so for that reason I would try speaking to him about how you feel and even some couples therapy.

You can give it until a certain date say in 6 months time and if there’s been absolutely no improvement then it’s time to realise that it’s never going to improve and staying together is just a waste of time.

Have you tried discussing it with him?

I used to think I couldn't be with someone stupid but now I think I could? As long as they aren't too opinionated because I don't want to argue with an idiot 😆
It would be good if he could outgrow some of the immaturity though and learn to be a bit better at sex... do you try to guide him to what might work better for you?

Agree with this.

I go to bed wearing tracksuit bottoms though when I'm on - and when my DH sees me wearing tracksuit bottoms he always says things like "urgh, gross" or "that's why you've been such a nightmare recently etc"

This alone would be enough for me to leave, especially when there are kids in the mix and they will grow up thinking that this is acceptable.

He’s not showing many of the others either. “So what if Grandad is dying, what’s the point of visiting him if he won’t talk to me? Nah, I’d rather game. Also can you put those gross things away (san pro), I don’t want to see them. Yuuuuuuk.”

I’m not an intellectual heavyweight, neither is DH but we’re curious and not naive.

If my DH told me he’d watched a video on YouTube and believed the moon was a spaceship I’d think he’d had a breakdown.

Sadly OP you have outgrown him.

OP what sort of things do you get up to? Do you have a hobby? Do you meet up with friends? Your husband doesn’t sound very bright but he doesn’t sound that terrible as he’s kind, respectful and a good father. What steps have you taken to improve sex? How do you challenge his views?

disclaimer - my partner is very clever and very mature so my views might be skewed by not being able to imagine how it’d actually be like if he wasn’t

Getting together when you're young is always going to bring issues to a marriage if you mature at different rates.
It sounds like you are frustrated that he's not meeting a need of yours.
You sound like you want someone who can talk at your level and be inspired by. Fair enough.
I think that you calling him stupid is quite mean because maybe he was never taught properly. We don't know stuff unless we're told it.
I think that videos of people falling over are funny and farts too.
That's probably immature but it still makes me snigger.
Most marriages have a turning point, you just have to decide which way to go.

I think this is only going to increase as a reason for marriages ending. More and more people falling down a YouTube rabbithole until they become obsessed with their various conspiracy theories.

There are seven different types of intelligence, OP. Your husband may be 'stupid' in some ways but where are his clever areas?
Only you know if you can live with him or not.