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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 03/02/2023 21:21

Oh dear! Sorry OP, but these do tend to be the classic signs of an affair. Do his grandparents have a landline? If so, could you phone them when he's supposed to be there, and say that you just wanted to say sorry you hadn't gone with him this time, or some such other excuse? That way they'll either drop him in the shit big time, or you will be able to put that particular worry behind you, but I'm afraid in your shoes, I'd be prepared for my life to start falling apart. I'm SO sorry if this proves to be the case.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:23

@Stopthebusplease Tempted to just straight up ask him as I can't be bothered being lied to. I'd rather know now than further do the line.

Think the grandparents do have a landline but no idea what the number is

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 21:23

Your gut is telling you that something is wrong. You need to try and find proof, but don't alert him that you're on to anything.

Phone bill? Bank account? credit card bill? access to a laptop?

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:24

@Badger1970 Ah, phone bill is a good idea.. does that show the numbers that are being texted/called?

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 03/02/2023 21:24

usually, gut feelings are for a reason. Subconsciously you are picking up on a change in his behaviour .
Echo what stopthebusplease said. Phone his grandparents tomorrow with an excuse like you can't find something does he know where it is, or you were going shopping and wondered whether he fancied anything particular for dinner, etc

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 21:24

Just announce to him your going with him to the grandparents what his reaction carefully

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 21:25

*watch

Changingplace · 03/02/2023 21:25

Yeah great suggestion from @Stopthebusplease - say nothing but think of a reason to call his grandparents tomorrow when he should be there.

Then, if he isn’t, when he gets back don’t tell him up front you know he wasn’t there - ask how they were, let him dig a hole, but if he then outright lies you have something you can confront him with.

Changingplace · 03/02/2023 21:26

Or, might seem extreme but could you follow him when he leaves tomorrow & see where he goes?

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:26

I don't have their number unfortunately Sad and it would be really out of character for me to ring them up. I'm not particularly close to them. If I needed anything, he knows I would just contact him on his phone

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 03/02/2023 21:27

If you don't know his grandparent's number phone him with an excuse then ask him to put nan/grandad on the line so you can say hello, if he flusters and makes an excuse why they cant then you know he isn't there.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:27

@Changingplace Could do, but they don't live that locally so it's 2 bus journeys away

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2023 21:27

There's no way he's going to visit them if you usually drive him.

I'm so sorry, I'd put money on him lying.

Wilma55 · 03/02/2023 21:28

Drive there and wait near by to see if he arrives?

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:29

@determinedtomakethiswork Yeah it seemed odd to me too. Might just tell him im coming tomorrow and see what he says

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 03/02/2023 21:30

Even better pop round there to give him a lift home and save him the bus journey back.

You are only being kind after all. Grin

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/02/2023 21:31

I'd just say to him that you'll go with him tomorrow. If he shows any to that then you'll know somethings not right as you say you usually go with him so it's not out of the ordinary.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:32

Is anybody here with o2 and knows how to view the bill so you can see the phone numbers etc?

OP posts:
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/02/2023 21:32

Shows any resistance to that*

spinachmonster · 03/02/2023 21:32

I hate this feeling ☹️
I hope either you're mistaken, or it's early enough that he decides to stop it.

Really feel for you. FlowersCakeBrew

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 03/02/2023 21:33

FairyBatman · 03/02/2023 21:30

Even better pop round there to give him a lift home and save him the bus journey back.

You are only being kind after all. Grin

Genius idea!
Or just wait it out. In my experience they get less careful....like leaving fb logged in on a second account on a computer I used.

Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 21:33

Usually you just need a log in to your phone provider - usually your email address and a password.

DH has the same password for absolutely everything - is yours the same?

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2023 21:34

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/02/2023 21:31

I'd just say to him that you'll go with him tomorrow. If he shows any to that then you'll know somethings not right as you say you usually go with him so it's not out of the ordinary.

That gives him his date, though.

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/02/2023 21:36

Tell him you were thinking and you’d like to come with him to see the grandparents tomorrow and see how he reacts.

The sudden gym thing is such a cliche ☹️

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:36

I've viewed the bill but it doesn't show anything out of the ordinary. But then it wouldn't show if he was messaging somebody on another app anyway, e.g. WhatsApp, Instagram etc

OP posts: