Page 6 | To have a gut feeling about DH

northstar19 · 2023-02-03T21:15:09+00:00

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here. Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time. I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore. AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 04/02/2023 01:04

PupInAPram · 04/02/2023 00:51

He doesn't drive so what's the point.

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Already pointed out and responded to. But, good on you.

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:11

billy1966 · 04/02/2023 00:48

This.

I think the amountbof men who straight up admit an affair after a couple of weeks is tiny.

Always bettet to listen to your gut, then watch, wait, and gather evidence so there isn't any denying it.

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Well so far I’m gathering evidence of this suspected affair, we have:

*going to the gym
*visiting grandparents
*once being on his phone at night

What else might constitute as evidence?
Should she document any time he goes to the shops? Any time he gets a haircut? Any use of his phone other than to call her? Visiting any other relatives without her?

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:26

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:11

Well so far I’m gathering evidence of this suspected affair, we have:

*going to the gym
*visiting grandparents
*once being on his phone at night

What else might constitute as evidence?
Should she document any time he goes to the shops? Any time he gets a haircut? Any use of his phone other than to call her? Visiting any other relatives without her?

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Don't be absurd

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:29

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:26

Don't be absurd

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I think you didn’t detect the sarcasm in my post.

There’s dozens of people suggesting the OP follow her partner around, guess his passwords, trawl through his phone bill and other absolutely bonkers stuff about gathering evidence all because he’s started going to the gym and wants to spend a single Sunday at his grandparents without her.

Cornelious2011 · 04/02/2023 01:36

Tbf I don't think you had much evidence

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:38

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:29

I think you didn’t detect the sarcasm in my post.

There’s dozens of people suggesting the OP follow her partner around, guess his passwords, trawl through his phone bill and other absolutely bonkers stuff about gathering evidence all because he’s started going to the gym and wants to spend a single Sunday at his grandparents without her.

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I got what you were saying. You were using absurdity to suggest that the 'dozens of people' were going overboard. I disagree that it need to go as far as you suggest. It is perfectly possible and in fact reasonable to monitor without going bonkers.

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:40

Cornelious2011 · 04/02/2023 01:36

Tbf I don't think you had much evidence

I would always advise a woman to trust her gut. If nothing comes out of it, that is a good outcomes. Otherwise forewarned is forearmed.

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:40

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:38

I got what you were saying. You were using absurdity to suggest that the 'dozens of people' were going overboard. I disagree that it need to go as far as you suggest. It is perfectly possible and in fact reasonable to monitor without going bonkers.

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Do you think guessing passwords to access his phone bill, following him to his grandparents house or as someone suggested putting a tracking device in his car are ways of monitoring without going bonkers?

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:45

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:40

Do you think guessing passwords to access his phone bill, following him to his grandparents house or as someone suggested putting a tracking device in his car are ways of monitoring without going bonkers?

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Your methods are bonkers because they are a lot of effort for inconclusive results. Others are worth considering if the right opportunity presents as they are more likely to lead to an answer. If there is nothing going on, then great.

Mari9999 · 04/02/2023 01:47

What is the purpose of gathering and documenting evidence? The Courts have no interest in discussion or evidence of cheating. No fault divorce means that there is no fault or blame to be apportioned.

If they are not married, to whom would you even remotely expect to present all of the evidence and documentation?
It all sounds like immature game playing with no particular purpose. Why not just speak up an state your concerns? If he is evasive and does not wish to discuss, then you choose the course of action that works best for you, but the game playing is what one might expect from very young teenagers and not adults with some wisdom and life experience.

Sometimes the only thing that your gut is tell you is that your recent meals may not agree with you.

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:48

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:45

Your methods are bonkers because they are a lot of effort for inconclusive results. Others are worth considering if the right opportunity presents as they are more likely to lead to an answer. If there is nothing going on, then great.

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Ah ok, got ya.
So if I decided to renew my gym membership tomorrow and go to the gym every evening this week, it would be normal for my husband to presume I’m cheating and then to get an answer follow me in his car to the gym? Nothing wrong with that at all because it would lead to an answer for him, right?

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:54

Mari9999 · 04/02/2023 01:47

What is the purpose of gathering and documenting evidence? The Courts have no interest in discussion or evidence of cheating. No fault divorce means that there is no fault or blame to be apportioned.

If they are not married, to whom would you even remotely expect to present all of the evidence and documentation?
It all sounds like immature game playing with no particular purpose. Why not just speak up an state your concerns? If he is evasive and does not wish to discuss, then you choose the course of action that works best for you, but the game playing is what one might expect from very young teenagers and not adults with some wisdom and life experience.

Sometimes the only thing that your gut is tell you is that your recent meals may not agree with you.

How naive. The proof is not for the courts. It is so that the OP can make the right decision whether to break up a marriage when the partner, if he was cheating, would by definition not admit it to her.

I don't like to be lied to. If my gut instinct is telling me something, I listen to it but only act when I have enough information to make an informed decision.

blueshoes · 04/02/2023 01:56

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:48

Ah ok, got ya.
So if I decided to renew my gym membership tomorrow and go to the gym every evening this week, it would be normal for my husband to presume I’m cheating and then to get an answer follow me in his car to the gym? Nothing wrong with that at all because it would lead to an answer for him, right?

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This is tiresome, out of context and absurd.

Fraaahnces · 04/02/2023 02:00

I would wait until he was deeply asleep - maybe an hour before he usually wakes up and nick his phone. If you can get onto it I’d screenshot everything.

lifeinthehills · 04/02/2023 02:04

Fraaahnces · 04/02/2023 02:00

I would wait until he was deeply asleep - maybe an hour before he usually wakes up and nick his phone. If you can get onto it I’d screenshot everything.

I'd feel really violated if my partner did that. It's an invasion of privacy. Not that I hide my phone and he does know the pass code, it's the principle.

Everyonehasavoice · 04/02/2023 02:30

If you usually go to his grandparents with him why not just say you’ll go too.
Perfectly normal thing to do, I’d say it last minute but be ready to go.
See how he reacts.
Does he get on his phone quickly, are his grandparents surprised to see him etc
If he does both or tries to put you off….then I’d ask outright.

BertaHoon · 04/02/2023 03:13

I wish you hadn't asked him straight away. Of course he was going to deny it.

Okay so now look out for the gaslighting where he tells you, you are going mad...

Or maybe he's not having an affair. The longer wait would have been better here.

redbigbananafeet · 04/02/2023 03:15

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:27

@Changingplace Could do, but they don't live that locally so it's 2 bus journeys away

I thought you drove?

GoodChat · 04/02/2023 04:47

@redskydelight which is exactly what I had also suggested

Doingitforthedc · 04/02/2023 05:21

reesewithoutaspoon · 03/02/2023 21:27

If you don't know his grandparent's number phone him with an excuse then ask him to put nan/grandad on the line so you can say hello, if he flusters and makes an excuse why they cant then you know he isn't there.

This.

gonnabeok · 04/02/2023 05:58

My ex laughed at me when I mentioned it too.. 2 months later he got sloppy and I saw a reply from his affair partner pop up on his phone when be was asleep.

Roselilly36 · 04/02/2023 06:05

Always trust your instinct, it’s rarely wrong. You have noticed a change.

If you usually visited the GP together, it’s not unreasonable to expect you would be visiting them also, if I was in your shoes, I would say something like, It will be lovely to see them again, what time are we going? And see the reaction.

Sorry you are going through this stressful time OP.

SouperNoodle · 04/02/2023 06:10

Trust your gut. A woman's instincts are usually correct.
Does he have a laptop connected to his phone?

Dontevenstart · 04/02/2023 06:26

Mari9999 · 04/02/2023 00:58

No one lives a satisfying life having to spend time sleuthing or playing Sherlock Holmes. If you think that he is cheating just confront him with your concerns and observations. Tell him truthfully (assuming that these are your feelings) that you would prefer that he leave the relationship rather than cheat. If he.no longer loves you then you no longer wish to be with him.

Divorces are in many places no fault divorces. Courts do not care if he cheated with one woman or with twenty woman. They do not care about emotional abuse, financial abuse, or many of the myriad of complaints that you may wish to document. The truth is that no one is legally obligated to remain in a marriage , and no one is penalized for wanting to end a marria

, , ,,,,, ,, ,,,, , , ,__ ,

Instead of trying to verify and document his infidelity, spend your time getting your financial documents in order. This is an issue that courts do care about, and this will matter significantly in the distribution of assets should it come to that.

I think that once you are reduced to sneaking and sleuthing there is very little dignity left in the relationsyhip.

100% this.
Some of the absolutely ridiculous suggestions on here of putting an AirTag on him, phoning to check up on him, stealing his phone and checking through it, for example, are just crazy. Turn the argument round, and if it’s a man doing any of those things to a woman, it’s abusive - and rightly so, because it is.
Have faith with, and dignity in, yourself and have a calm adult conversation with him about what you are feeling and fearing. It’ll probably do you both good.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/02/2023 06:29

I listen to it but only act when I have enough information to make an informed decision.

So how would you feel if your partner had a gut feeling you were having an affair and began compiling evidence?