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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:37

@Justalittlebitduckling To be fair he did used to go the gym a lot. I know because I used to take him. And he has been complaining a lot about how unhealthy he feels and how overweight he is

OP posts:
Fedupofdiets · 03/02/2023 21:37

I would say don't confront him without evidence as he may lie and gaslight you. I know it is easier said than done though when you suspect something is wrong. I once worked with a colleague who hired a private detective to follow her H and it runs out she was right.

twoandcooplease · 03/02/2023 21:37

It doesn't sound good op and pp's are so right about the gut instinct - something has changed to make you worry

Wearingatshirt · 03/02/2023 21:39

Don't let on you're suspicious, he'll just deny it and then youll be no further on.

Just as he's leaving, grab your coat, just say you'll come with him as you could do with a change of scenery. It doesn't give him any time to refuse or call anyone to tell them he can't make it ( if that's what hes doing of course). If he makes an excuse and you usually drive because he doesnt then say Oh at least let me give you a lift then! (Esp as it's 2 buses then why would he refuse)

Cheshiremamalife · 03/02/2023 21:40

Wearingatshirt · 03/02/2023 21:39

Don't let on you're suspicious, he'll just deny it and then youll be no further on.

Just as he's leaving, grab your coat, just say you'll come with him as you could do with a change of scenery. It doesn't give him any time to refuse or call anyone to tell them he can't make it ( if that's what hes doing of course). If he makes an excuse and you usually drive because he doesnt then say Oh at least let me give you a lift then! (Esp as it's 2 buses then why would he refuse)

This!!!!!

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:40

I can't stand this feeling of it eating away at me. I really want to know but don't know how I'd find out

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 03/02/2023 21:46

@northstar19 I know this might sound extreme and people probably think they are really expensive but some actually aren't if you can't find out yourself , how about hiring a private detective ?

Wearingatshirt · 03/02/2023 21:50

I understand how you're feeling. Once I had a suspicion about my dh when I found a receipt for something but through my own detection, it was actually nothing as was a gift for his mum! He never knew that I suspected but I know that horrible sick feeling.
Could it be that he's withdrawn through being low though?
Either way, eventually, if you play it cool, it will become apparent. People usually give themselves away so don't alert him just in case. I wish that I had some useful advice as how to check his msgs just to ease your mind. I know lots on MN are against doing this but not so easy when you're in the situation.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:52

I feel I'm being stand offish with him and I'm sure he will eventually ask why. If he does, what do I say?

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 21:53

I'd ask straight out what's with all the sudden changes and coy behaviour.
But, failing that pop an airtag in the car.

Mirabai · 03/02/2023 21:54

Just invite yourself tomorrow. If he’s really going you’ll soon know.

LikeTearsInRain · 03/02/2023 21:58

Where could he have met someone? Lots of women at work? A hobby? A friend?

Cascais · 03/02/2023 21:59

Ask him

crazycatladyof6 · 03/02/2023 22:00

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 21:53

I'd ask straight out what's with all the sudden changes and coy behaviour.
But, failing that pop an airtag in the car.

It would have to be on him/his bag as he doesn’t drive

EL0ISE · 03/02/2023 22:00

Don’t confront him. Either he is innocent and you will hurt him. He will of course deny it and you won’t know whether or not to believe him.

Or he is guilty and he will lie to you. Then he will be more careful to cover his tracks.

Don’t put an AirTag in his car, it won’t work as it will alert him. They are designed to do this to stop then being used to stalk people.

You need to be more clever about it, watch and wait.

Does he have form for cheating?

Soakitup37 · 03/02/2023 22:00

It would drive right though me tbh op, I’d be straight up asking for his phone. No time to wrangle out of anything. I’d check WhatsApp and archived messages, photos and deleted items, recent calls and Facebook for recent people he’s looked up. If he’s on any other platform ditto that. Depending what phone he’s got (and settings) you can even see where he’s been recently (does the times he said the gym match up)

if he’s innocent he’ll want to reassure you and help you feel better, if he’s not then itll
be obvious with or without evidence.

crazycatladyof6 · 03/02/2023 22:00

I really feel for you op. I once had that gut instinct feeling. There was nothing I could particularly put my finger on but I just knew. Turns out he was messaging a lot of sec workers

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 22:02

crazycatladyof6 · 03/02/2023 22:00

It would have to be on him/his bag as he doesn’t drive

Show quote history

Yes, of course. 🤦‍♀️

redskydelight · 03/02/2023 22:02

I never understand these posts.

Either he's not having an affair, but now you have it in your head you won't believe him regardless = relationship over

or he's having an affair = relationship over.

So you may as well just leave now.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:02

Very tempted to just straight up ask him what's with the change in the behaviour. I really can't be bothered having this feeling and not knowing, it's driving me mad

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 22:03

Possible alternative explanation: Has he had a health scare he's not telling you about? That fits too.

FabFitFifties · 03/02/2023 22:04

I don't think it's cut and dried OP. I look on my ohone if I wake up too. I also suddenly start new routines like gym etc

AliceOlive · 03/02/2023 22:04

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:52

I feel I'm being stand offish with him and I'm sure he will eventually ask why. If he does, what do I say?

You could say, “I feel like you’ve been behaving oddly and it’s making me uncomfortable. On the phone late at night, suddenly running and going to the gym again, wanting to go someplace alone that we usually go together.”

Then see what he says.

Cheshiremamalife · 03/02/2023 22:06

I think you may find out a lot by just announcing tomorrow morning that you're joining him on his trip to see his grandparents... His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I really hope this is something and nothing OP xxxxx

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 03/02/2023 22:06

Either just confront him or do something like say you're going to his Nan and Granddads tomorrow... how he reacts will tell you everything.