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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 03/02/2023 22:16

What are you going to do now ? It’s such a worry.

Fedupofbeingcold · 03/02/2023 22:17

If he is having an affair his plans for tomorrow may change all of a sudden, because he’ll realise you’re suspicious of where he’s going and he won’t want to get caught out.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:17

He's completely denying it and thinks I'm being ridiculous 😂 he thinks he hasn't been behaving differently

OP posts:
Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:18

@Fedupofbeingcold yep I think if he suddenly turns round and says he isn't going then I will know

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 03/02/2023 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

GoodChat · 03/02/2023 22:19

@redskydelight they're strange when they're out of character, he's been acting distant and on his phone at 3am if he's not normally.

icelolly12 · 03/02/2023 22:20

Women's intuition is a real thing, don't ignore it

honeyytoast · 03/02/2023 22:20

To be fair I wouldn’t zone in too closely on the affair possibility. It could be anything he is worrying about/hiding, some possibilities much less serious than others. Keep an open mind while you investigate

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/02/2023 22:21

Just say you want to go with him and will drive and see how he reacts. However now you already made your concerns known it may be he is likely to remain calm and say ok so as not to ring any further alarms bells

redskydelight · 03/02/2023 22:21

GoodChat · 03/02/2023 22:19

@redskydelight they're strange when they're out of character, he's been acting distant and on his phone at 3am if he's not normally.

So he has something on his mind? Would tally with the being distant and the not sleeping.
I've certainly done all OP's DH's things and I've not been having an affair.

ReverseFerret · 03/02/2023 22:22

Has he been on his phone since your chat... deleting messages or warning a OW??

LikeTearsInRain · 03/02/2023 22:23

You’ve gone and fucked it. All evidence will be deleted now and he’ll be super careful if it continues

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 22:25

Has he been online on WhatsApp since you asked him??

WhatsitWiggle · 03/02/2023 22:25

I'd say trust your instincts but you need proof, most blokes will just lie when confronted.

If you can bear to, just sit tight whilst waiting for him to slip up. My ex got more outrageous the more he thought he was getting away with it. He left his tablet logged in and I saw messages between them and I had all the proof I needed.

Stopthebusplease · 03/02/2023 22:26

LikeTearsInRain · 03/02/2023 22:23

You’ve gone and fucked it. All evidence will be deleted now and he’ll be super careful if it continues

This!

Fedupofbeingcold · 03/02/2023 22:31

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2023 22:25

Has he been online on WhatsApp since you asked him??

Definitely check this!

blueshoes · 03/02/2023 22:31

You have tipped him off. Now you cannot even suddenly ask to go with him because he will see everything in the light of your spying on him and will throw it back at you. Shame.

You will have to find other ways to check - he will be covering his tracks - or maybe use a private detective. Either way, you now have to lie low, observe and see if anything changes.

Riri24 · 03/02/2023 22:31

I would definitely just announce that you are coming with him. There is no possible reason for him to say no. See what his reaction is and go from there.

Ob12 · 03/02/2023 22:34

Male here. I've been in the same position before, all denied and gaslighted to make me feel stupid. Was confirmed with carelessly discarded bar receipts so keep an eye out for them too

Seabreeze18 · 03/02/2023 22:36

I hope u get answers just don’t ignore your gut! Something has changed even if he isn’t cheating

Chaz5rascals · 03/02/2023 22:39

Ask to see his phone before he deletes any evidence (if there was any) I hope it’s nothing but honest changes.

WisteriaLodge · 03/02/2023 22:43

Sorry you're in this situation OP it must have been driving you nuts but trust your instinct, it's a shame you asked him really because he was never going to admit it was he? So now he knows you're possibly on to him (if indeed that's what he's doing) you're going to have to play the long game and bide your time, he's going to be super careful in covering his tracks from now on.

KAYMACK · 03/02/2023 22:44

"Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night."

A couple of weeks back was not long after New Year. Prime time for gym/running to start up.

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 22:44

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I think all of the suggestions to check phone bills, follow him tomorrow, guess his passwords for thing etc. are really off the mark! If a man had posted here saying he’d had suspicions about his wife so had been doing these things he’d be piled on for being insecure and controlling.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

He’s started going to the gym and running. That doesn’t automatically scream to me that he’s having an affair. An isolated incident where you’ve woke to him on his phone in the middle of the night doesn’t ring alarm bells for me either. I’d also think that if he was meeting another woman, surely using the excuse of a place you’d normally go together would be far too risky? Surely he’d worry about you mentioning his visit alone to his grandparents next time you are there?

I think there are a lot of scorned women replying to you with suggestions. I’ve been there myself! I know when you get those doubts they are hard to shake. Put the shoe on the other foot though, if you’d taken up a new hobby and then wanted to visit family alone one day and your parter jumped to the assumption you were having an affair, would you think their suspicions were outlandish? Because I would!

Logicalreasoning · 03/02/2023 22:51

Problem is now, if he was up to something he’s going to be extra careful now because you’ve questioned it. You should have compiled evidence so he can’t deny it...

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