To have a gut feeling about DH

[northstar19]

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

I think asking him is totally pointless and serves no purpose. If he is the type to cheat then he is obviously going to lie, why would he tell the truth?? He knows what would happen. It's quite easy to find out the truth but not once he knows you are suspicious.

Except nothing in the OPs posts have indicated he’s the type to cheat. He’s been to the gym and to his grandparents! Christ almighty.

Try Renie. If that doesn't work, anti psychotics.

We've never had problems in the past re cheating/texting anybody else. This is why this feeling is so weird to me.

The fact she has a gut feeling, the fact he is always on his phone, that he's on it at 3am whilst in bed, that he is suddenly interested in getting in shape.
A gut feeling is a powerful thing, when you know someone really well, when you're married to them and live with them, you know when something isn't right.

He’s given you absolutely no reason to believe he is dishonest or would do anything like this. He’s started the gym and wanted to visit family alone and you’ve accused him of seeing someone else. It’s not helped that people on this thread have encouraged your thinking but seriously, have you heard yourself? Do you realise how absolutely over the top, controlling and insecure you sound?!

The OP has never said he is always on his phone, she said once that he’d been on it in the night.
He’s not “suddenly interested in getting in shape”, the OP said he used to go to the gym a lot, he’s just picked back up an old hobby.
You and other posters have whipped her up into a frenzy. If she’d posted saying she’d started going to the gym again and once used her phone during the night and now her other half was accusing her of being unfaithful you’d all be telling her he was insecure and controlling and she should LTB.
This thread is absolutely astounding to me.

This thread really throws a (not very favourable) light on that favourite Mumsnet motto - trust your gut!

What was his reason for wanting to visit his GPs alone if you usually go together?

@Idontliketea I've been unwell recently (a lot better now though) and he didn't want to bother me by asking

I'm going to be honest and say I think that you're being unreasonable, OP.

I do believe in trusting your gut instincts, however, you also have to look and consider the evidence. At the minute, from what I've read, he's started going to the gym and taken up running. This is following comments where he's complained about feeling unhealthy and overweight. So, it makes sense and isn't out of the blue that he would suddenly start working out.

He woke up in the middle of the night and played on his phone as he was struggling to sleep. I do this all of the time. For some reason, a bit of screen time helps me sleep.

He's going to see his family alone when you'd normally go together. Is this really a big deal? Maybe he genuinely is going there-and maybe he just wants some alone time with them or wants to tell them something in private.

Unless he's got form for cheating-or lying, I wouldn't be considering any of this particularly worrying at all. Yes, there's such a thing as trusting your gut and quite often, our gut instincts can be proved correct-but you still have to be able to look at the "evidence" and suss things from that, too.

I know if my DP did all of those things, because I trust him and he has no form for cheating or lying to me, I wouldn't remotely think "cheating."

Maybe you do need to sit down with him and talk about things. If he is indeed cheating, and I hope he's not, you need to find out, and if he's not, you need to work on your trust issues.

Trust him, but keep your wits about you and look out for anything else suspicious, its all you can do really with no real proof.

I will say though, and obviously not everyone is the same but when I just knew my ex was cheating if I ever mentioned it or straight out asked him he would hit the roof, cause a massive argument and use it as a excuse storm out. Not once did he genuinely comfort me and tell me I was wrong.

He's uploaded a pic of himself at the gym 😂 wow couldn't be more obvious he's trying to prove himself

Could you be projecting maybe? Has someone caught your eye and it's making you feel guilty?

Haven't a lot of people started going to the gym in January i.e. new years resolutions?

Or, he’s uploading the photo to avoid confrontation and unfounded accusations from his insecure partner waiting at home who is monitoring his every move.

Just be careful. If he starts to feel he needs to prove where he is to his paranoid partner it might turn out you're the problem

Never ignore your instincts,they are there to protect you.💐

Have you not mentioned you've been 'off' because he's been 'off'?

You said his mood was a contributing factor to your concerns.

So is anxiety (fight or flight) but our receptors and cues are so off kilter these days with all the over stimulation of modern life that we don’t have a clue anymore what our ‘instincts’ are in this respect & we certainly don’t have instincts around cheating partners. There’s nothing physiological in your brain that can tell you when a partner is cheating.

Bottom line is, in a healthy relationship, if the friend had called or text to say ‘oh I saw John at the shopping centre with some woman’ the OP would laugh, say ‘well he said he’s at golf so I’d be surprised if it was him and not a doppelgänger’ and then ask her husband about it when he gets in.

Op.i think from here.if your leaving it you need to do so.and apologise and talk to him about how to make things between you brighter again.if he's not done this it will have made him heart broken. You need to now sit and talk about how to make each other feel safe and trusted again.you cannot accuse someone of having an affair then just carry on.would you if it was the other way round?
So whatever you need to nake some ground up.together.

What exactly does he do at this point to make you ignore your feeling? If he proves he's gone to the gym you think he's doing it to make a point. If he didn't prove it, you'd no doubt wonder if he actually had.

You either decide to trust him or you don't.

Thank you! Makes sense.

What a delight . MN at its worst.

If English isn't your first language it would be very easy to not understand 'sat on his phone' ffs. it could mean being secretive on the phone, it could be slang for hiding his phone, its not clear at all. People can be so rude.