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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 03/02/2023 22:06

I would ask him.
Tell him all the behaviours that made you suspicious and if there's something he needs to tell you then it's better for everyone if he just does it now rather than drag it out.

He might be upset with you for something or just wanting to feel fit again - or he might be cheating or want to end the relationship.

Try to do it as matter of fact as you can and let him speak if he starts to open up.

Tandora · 03/02/2023 22:08

Personally I’d talk to him rather than hiring a private detective but maybe that’s just me 🥴

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:08

F*ck it I'm going to ask him. Here goes 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Endlesslaundry123 · 03/02/2023 22:09

If he IS cheating, he will lie to you if you confront him.... I would aim to gather evidence (offer him a ride to grandparents, see what he says etc.), and give it a bit of time. Don't top your hand. Write it all down and if you remain concerned after a couple of weeks, have the conversation. If he asks why you're standoffish, say you aren't feeling well.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/02/2023 22:09

Don't confront him with nothing concrete as that will only make him extremely cautious and lead to gaslighting which will invariably drive you insane.

figmaofmyimagination · 03/02/2023 22:09

Wait till the morning, get ready then say you’d like to come with him at the last minute.

Endlesslaundry123 · 03/02/2023 22:10

Don't tip* your hand.

Cheshiremamalife · 03/02/2023 22:10

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:08

F*ck it I'm going to ask him. Here goes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sending positive thoughts and a hand hold if needed 💐

Tandora · 03/02/2023 22:10

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:08

F*ck it I'm going to ask him. Here goes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good luck Op. let us know how it goes x

squidgybits · 03/02/2023 22:10

Always trust your gut instinct

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2023 22:10

Good luck

HumphreysCorner · 03/02/2023 22:11

Thinking of you x

Fedupofbeingcold · 03/02/2023 22:11

I’m really sorry OP but this happened to me and it didn’t end well. Almost exactly the same behaviour, plus I noticed whenever he put his phone down it was face down. He walked out on me and 2 little kids and gaslit me for months, in some ways he’s still doing so. He’d been having an affair, I know for sure but even years later he still denies it.

Grincheynewyear · 03/02/2023 22:11

He will likely deny it.

Original poster
northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:12

Yep he denied it. Said I was being daft.

OP posts:
QueenWenceslas · 03/02/2023 22:12

Good luck. Trust your gut.

Spookysparkles · 03/02/2023 22:12

Oh no I’m so sorry, sending hugs.
just to say your not alone- this happened to me a Fred years ago with an ex. There was something in the air that I just couldn’t pin point, a gut feeling if you will.
it turned out I was right- we split 4 weeks after I first felt it. Xx

DarkNurseries · 03/02/2023 22:13

FabFitFifties · 03/02/2023 22:04

I don't think it's cut and dried OP. I look on my ohone if I wake up too. I also suddenly start new routines like gym etc

Absolutely. If we exclude the grandparental trip, none of the behaviour the OP’s husband is displaying would be out of the ordinary for me to start doing. I have periods of high energy, often when other things are crap, so sudden gym mania and late night runs could absolutely coincide with being withdrawn. I definitely will message friends in other time zones at 3 am if I cant sleep.

Obviously, this is no proof of anything. I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be an affair.

Cheshiremamalife · 03/02/2023 22:13

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:12

Yep he denied it. Said I was being daft.

Do you believe him? X

GoodChat · 03/02/2023 22:13

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:12

Yep he denied it. Said I was being daft.

So what's his explanation for his strange behaviours?

Smineusername · 03/02/2023 22:13

Ask to go with him to visit gps

Tandora · 03/02/2023 22:14

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 22:12

Yep he denied it. Said I was being daft.

You don’t sound reassured…?

paradyning · 03/02/2023 22:15

There used to be directory enquiries you could phone to get numbers. Haven't done it in years though and the GPS could be ex-directory

redskydelight · 03/02/2023 22:16

GoodChat · 03/02/2023 22:13

So what's his explanation for his strange behaviours?

Show quote history

Not really that strange are they? He's made a new year's resolution to get fitter; he wants to see his grandparents without OP (they may even have asked to see him without OP). Hardly conclusive of anything.

Stopthebusplease · 03/02/2023 22:16

Please don't ask him outright OP, as he'll only lie if he's seeing someone else, and you'll be no further forward, but will have put him on his guard. If you really want to know, then either chance telling him you'll go with him to his grandparents at the last minute, and see what his reaction is, although you'll have to watch him like a hawk so he doesn't get an opportunity to text anyone, or my preference would be turn up at the grandparents house, and either wait for him to arrive, and then drive away if he turns up. If he doesn't, then knock grandparents door to see if he's there, (you may not have seen him arrive) or they are expecting him, if they say no, just say 'oh, sorry I could have sworn he said he was visiting today, and as I was passing I thought I'd pop in and join him'. Fact is, if you REALLY want to know, you'll have to catch him out in a lie, otherwise he's likely to try and talk you round, tell you you're imagining things, etc. and you'll carry on on the merry go round of mistrust for weeks or months to come.