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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a gut feeling about DH

283 replies

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
user467892 · 03/02/2023 22:51

Nothing about this would scream red flags to me. Health/fitness is very common starting the new year with these goals. And I regularly sit up on my phone if I can't sleep etc.

However I do believe in a gut instinct and it's so frustrating when you feel like you know something but you just can't pinpoint it.

The best advice I can give if is to watch very closely from now on. You have your suspicions and he will eventually slip up/get caught in a lie if he is hiding something.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2023 22:56

KAYMACK · 03/02/2023 22:44

"Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night."

A couple of weeks back was not long after New Year. Prime time for gym/running to start up.

It's also a time when quite a lot of men who are overweight and unfit choose to run, as it isn't only much cooler, there are fewer people around to see them struggling for breath and sweating like a pig. Somebody who is already self conscious of how unfit/much weight they've put on can feel far too exposed out in daylight - women might go to a gym for safety reasons, but many still feel really anxious about it, men can also be reluctant because they'll be around super fit men, too.

KAYMACK · 03/02/2023 22:58

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2023 22:56

It's also a time when quite a lot of men who are overweight and unfit choose to run, as it isn't only much cooler, there are fewer people around to see them struggling for breath and sweating like a pig. Somebody who is already self conscious of how unfit/much weight they've put on can feel far too exposed out in daylight - women might go to a gym for safety reasons, but many still feel really anxious about it, men can also be reluctant because they'll be around super fit men, too.

Show quote history

To be honest, that is exactly why I go out running at night! I am even worrying about the nights getting shorter... what am I going to do when summer comes around?!?

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 23:01

Come to think of it, a little while ago I looked up something on my phone or computer in the middle of the night. Completely out of character for me. Something was going around in my head, so I decided to just look up the info I needed and be able to sleep. Nothing sinister.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/02/2023 23:02

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:23

@Stopthebusplease Tempted to just straight up ask him as I can't be bothered being lied to. I'd rather know now than further do the line.

Think the grandparents do have a landline but no idea what the number is

Careful how you do it, don't give him the opportunity to gaslight you.

Whatifitallgoesright · 03/02/2023 23:04

I'm used to waking up in the middle of the night and stupidly reaching for my phone to take my mind off not being able to sleep. Youtube/FB video shorts and 45 minutes later. Although, is your other half familiar with insomnia? If so I'm sure he would have wanted to share that fact with you so maybe being on his phone at 3am is wierd. And the gym and all. Join the gym yourself. You have equal spare time yes?

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 23:05

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/02/2023 23:02

Careful how you do it, don't give him the opportunity to gaslight you.

Show quote history

And now, if the man who has decided to take up a new hobby getting fit and has once wanted to visit his family alone, denies having an affair he must be gaslighting you. Because of course he couldn’t just want to go to the gym and spend a Sunday at his grandparents.

WisteriaLodge · 03/02/2023 23:08

It's not the running that's the issue though is it? OP says he's being distant with her amongst other things.

Heyboooo · 03/02/2023 23:14

❤️❤️

60mins · 03/02/2023 23:17

Keep your eyes peeled and don’t make any big decisions until you’re certain one way or another…

samqueens · 03/02/2023 23:20

FWIW I think the way he denies it provides useful information. Someone who gives a shit about how you feel will at least want to offer some kind of reassurance. Someone who doesn't (whether cheating or not) will tell you you are crazy and launch into you about it (look up DARVO). They will also bring it up again unprompted just to underline their virtue and what a crackpot you are.

IME when you get that gut feeling you don't want to believe it. You therefore look for "proof" because you don't want to do anything based on just on a gut feeling - how ridiculous would that be after all?! So you rationalise, and you ask him about it, and you try and believe the shit he tells you, and sometimes he seems to care, and sometimes he says he loves you, and you work on yourself and you try not to feel things that you definitely do feel and on and on and on.

Eventually it turns out your gut was right and something was going on that you wouldn't have liked had you known. (Maybe cheating or maybe something akin to it). Years can pass stuck in this cycle of trying to believe the completely unbelievable and slowly losing your mind in the process.

Trusting your gut can be a very valuable thing. Talking can be useful (so people say). But if what he says doesn't really reassure you, and he isn't worried about your feelings, makes you feel worse and is focused on protecting himself from the get go, then it's probably better to trust your gut than to trust him.

I hope that's not true for you.

JudgeRudy · 03/02/2023 23:21

northstar19 · 03/02/2023 21:15

I think he's met somebody else/is speaking to somebody else. It's just a gut feeling and I can't seem to shake it off. Now I'm paranoid about everything he does and I don't know where to go from here.

Started a couple of weeks back. Seems distant, less talkative. Started the gym suddenly, and started going for runs late at night. Didn't think much of that then, but a couple of nights ago I woke up during the early hours (about 3am) and he was sat on his phone. He didn't know I'd woken so I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd just got up for the toilet and couldn't get back to sleep. Tomorrow he said he's going out for most of the day to see his grandparents, we usually go together as I drive but he's not asked this time.

I think I'm overthinking it but I have this feeling I cannot ignore.

AIBU here? How do I find out without asking him what's going on? I don't know the password to his phone and vice versa so not like I could check that way either. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

My advice would differ depending what outcome you want. If you intend to break up if he's cheating (and it sounds like he might me) I'd bide my time and get concrete evidence. Would finding out he's not at Nans necessarily mean he's cheating? Of course, it could prove him a liar.
Do you want to compete and get him to drop 'her' and choose you by your covert manipulation.
Do you want him to have a bit of a fright at nearly getting caught and stop....till next time
Or do you wanna have a hear to heaty and be up front.
I suspect you have no idea what you want and your main concern is one of just needing to know.

Don't rock the boat yet. Spend a day or 2 thinking about what outcome you want then act accordingly. Once you snoop, or follow him you've crossed a line, for yourself.

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 23:22

WisteriaLodge · 03/02/2023 23:08

It's not the running that's the issue though is it? OP says he's being distant with her amongst other things.

Maybe he's feeling anxious and being a bit introspective? Has someone close to him had a health scare, making him think about his vulnerablity? Has he had a health scare or discussion with his doctor that is making him worried and driving his change to get fit? Has he read an article that has triggered health anxiety?

Worst case, there could be something going on, not necessarily an affair but potentially an affair, but let's not jump to conclusions without better evidence.

All we have here is a man who has been a bit quiet for a couple of weeks, has decided to work on his health and fitness, and was once on the phone in the night, which is unusual. Too little to base any conclusions on.

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 23:23

BTW, I do believe in trusting your gut. Something is off, but it could be anything.

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 23:34

lifeinthehills · 03/02/2023 23:23

BTW, I do believe in trusting your gut. Something is off, but it could be anything.

You’re one of the few posters I’ve seen talking sense on this thread!

Of course if your gut is telling you something is not right, there usually is an underlying problem. But everyone assuming that going to the gym and wanting to go to his grandparents means he’s having an affair and advising the OP to go through phone records or follow him are projecting their own hurt.

PBandJs · 03/02/2023 23:55

when I first read the original post my brain went straight to maybe he is struggling mentally at the moment, and often common this time of year.

I know men around me who tend to withdraw somewhat when they’re struggling with something, and will often turn to fitness to try and find a way to physically manage feelings. Also could explain why he was wide awake in the middle of the night.

I believe in gut feelings but also feel like these behaviours could be down to something very different

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2023 00:23

I hope you get to the bottom of it, OP.

Wibblewibble1 · 04/02/2023 00:37

Front it and ask him outright. I couldn’t live with the mystery of it all.

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 00:38

Wibblewibble1 · 04/02/2023 00:37

Front it and ask him outright. I couldn’t live with the mystery of it all.

The mystery of my husband going to the gym and having a one-off visit to his grandparents would keep me up at night too

PeanutButterSmoothie · 04/02/2023 00:42

Sounds a bit suspicious I'm sorry to say. I hope I'm wrong of course.

CohenTree · 04/02/2023 00:45

Hire a PI to follow him the next time he goes to visit granny and grandpa.

billy1966 · 04/02/2023 00:48

blueshoes · 03/02/2023 22:31

You have tipped him off. Now you cannot even suddenly ask to go with him because he will see everything in the light of your spying on him and will throw it back at you. Shame.

You will have to find other ways to check - he will be covering his tracks - or maybe use a private detective. Either way, you now have to lie low, observe and see if anything changes.

This.

I think the amountbof men who straight up admit an affair after a couple of weeks is tiny.

Always bettet to listen to your gut, then watch, wait, and gather evidence so there isn't any denying it.

MeinKraft · 04/02/2023 00:48

Wibblewibble1 · 04/02/2023 00:37

Front it and ask him outright. I couldn’t live with the mystery of it all.

What's he going to say? 'Yes I'm having an affair' not likely.

Could be anything OP. He could be worrying that you are having an affair and trying to lose weight for you. He could be worried one of his grandparents is unwell but if he says it out loud that makes it real and he'd rather see them on his own. He could be struggling with mental health, or debt, or his job might be at risk. They're all situation where you might push your partner away.

Realistically he will only tell you when he's ready, and all you can do in the meantime is keep an eye, because if he hasn't told you the truth by now he's likely not going to when you just ask him.

PupInAPram · 04/02/2023 00:51

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 21:53

I'd ask straight out what's with all the sudden changes and coy behaviour.
But, failing that pop an airtag in the car.

He doesn't drive so what's the point.

Mari9999 · 04/02/2023 00:58

No one lives a satisfying life having to spend time sleuthing or playing Sherlock Holmes. If you think that he is cheating just confront him with your concerns and observations. Tell him truthfully (assuming that these are your feelings) that you would prefer that he leave the relationship rather than cheat. If he.no longer loves you then you no longer wish to be with him.

Divorces are in many places no fault divorces. Courts do not care if he cheated with one woman or with twenty woman. They do not care about emotional abuse, financial abuse, or many of the myriad of complaints that you may wish to document. The truth is that no one is legally obligated to remain in a marriage , and no one is penalized for wanting to end a marria

, , ,,,,, ,, ,,,, , , ,__ ,

Instead of trying to verify and document his infidelity, spend your time getting your financial documents in order. This is an issue that courts do care about, and this will matter significantly in the distribution of assets should it come to that.

I think that once you are reduced to sneaking and sleuthing there is very little dignity left in the relationsyhip.

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