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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

287 replies

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
Simulacra · 03/02/2023 20:22

So she was smacked, three times. Used her words the second time, but was smacked a third time.

Then swung back?

Can’t say I’d be mad about that tbh.

PriOn1 · 03/02/2023 20:22

She was slapped three times and you think she was wrong to retaliate?

I’m with her dad.

IhateJan22 · 03/02/2023 20:22

I side with your DD, it’s the only way people like that stop, she won’t need to do it again as now people know she will retaliate and they’ll come off worse.

VariationsonaTheme · 03/02/2023 20:23

Shouldn’t be condoning punching anyone. It only takes one punch to kill someone.

sst1234 · 03/02/2023 20:23

He’s right. You are naive, if you think you can hug your way out of being bullied. Nicey nicey doesn’t work with bullies. She should have punched the other girl harder.

WhoWants2Know · 03/02/2023 20:24

In the same circumstances, I certainly wouldn't criticise DD for doing what she did. She let it go twice and it persisted, so I think it's fair enough.

Wdib78 · 03/02/2023 20:25

I wish I'd had your dd guts when I washer age! Good for her.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 03/02/2023 20:25

Good for your DD. I’m with your DH.

ladymacbeth · 03/02/2023 20:25

Jesus Christ no wonder kids are mouthy shits these days if parents are so happy for them to punch each other.

I'm with you OP

Original poster
Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:25

PriOn1 · 03/02/2023 20:22

She was slapped three times and you think she was wrong to retaliate?

I’m with her dad.

I wouldn’t say I thought she was in the wrong necessarily wrong I just know that these things aren’t always black and white when it come to repercussions and punishment and would worry what that might mean for my daughter.

She doesn’t know her own strength and I can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her.

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 03/02/2023 20:26

Am also with your DH and DD. Bullies need to be shown that their actions have consequences. Your daughter taught the bully the consequence of slapping someone x 3 is getting punched back.

Temporaryname158 · 03/02/2023 20:27

I’d be supporting my daughter if the same thing happens to her. You can guarantee she won’t be slapped again at school!

Twawmyarse2 · 03/02/2023 20:27

Well done to your dd! Bet that girl won't slap anyone again..

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2023 20:27

I grew up being bullied. Mum always told me to ignore. Dad always told me to hit back. I was always too afraid to hit back so I was continually bullied.

I just couldn't assert myself in any way. I wish I could go back and do what your daughter did.

GrumpyPanda · 03/02/2023 20:27

Good for your daughter. YABVVU.

Tangerinie · 03/02/2023 20:28

I don't condone violence at all and yes, one punch can kill etc, however I think your dd acted in self defence there. The other child was already hitting her so she stopped her by hitting back. I think that's understandable and I think your DH is right.

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:28

VariationsonaTheme · 03/02/2023 20:23

Shouldn’t be condoning punching anyone. It only takes one punch to kill someone.

This. A punch that resulted in this might be manslaughter, but could be murder if prosecution established intention to commit GBH.

A punch following a slap wd be unlikely to constitute self defence. It's disproportionate.

Smartiepants79 · 03/02/2023 20:28

In the real world punching someone in the face is probably not going to end well. The police are not going be ‘kind’ about it.
She was provoked and, yes, does have a right to defend herself but I wouldn’t be praising this as a great way to respond.
I wouldn’t be punishing either but a grown up chat about the possible consequences in real life and other ways of responding would be being had.

Craftybodger · 03/02/2023 20:29

Your daughter needs your support. She took the slap, then again, she tried talking, another slap and she retaliated. Good on her. I’m not one for violence, but she tried talking etc. Hopefully the other girl has learnt her lesson and won’t do the same to DD or anyone else.

turrrniiipz · 03/02/2023 20:29

Nah the silly girl deserves a slap back, I'd say well done to your daughter for standing up for herself.

lobeliasb · 03/02/2023 20:29

When I was 13 I was in almost the same scenario as your DD- a girl that bullied me relentlessly for the whole school year slapped me in the back of my head and kicked my leg, and I turned around and punched her. She never bothered me again, and I didn't turn into a criminal. Sometimes it's the only way to stop a bully.

FrenchBoule · 03/02/2023 20:30

With your DH here.
Your DD stood up for herself, gave the bully the benefit of doubt 1st time, asked her to not to do it 2nd time and retaliated at 3rd occurence.
Self defence.

Bully hopefully has learned that actions have consequences and slapping somebody might result in getting a hefty wallop back.

Hope the teacher spoke to attacker about managing her feelings and hands.

Bonheurdupasse · 03/02/2023 20:31

Toooldtoworry · 03/02/2023 20:26

Am also with your DH and DD. Bullies need to be shown that their actions have consequences. Your daughter taught the bully the consequence of slapping someone x 3 is getting punched back.

This OP.

Stopthebusplease · 03/02/2023 20:31

If as you say OP, you 'can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her', then hopefully that will teach the nasty little baggage who started it, not to push her luck in future. I agree with your DH, she was strong enough mentally to hold off, having been slapped twice, but no one should allow a third chance!

tootiredtospeak · 03/02/2023 20:31

She was physically attacked and you want her to defend herself with words. I am with DH.